Thirty Day Challenge

I found something different to do for the next thirty days. I think it'll be fun. It probably won't be too exciting to read but it should get me in the habit of writing more often. Blogging every day might not be feasible but a couple of times a week is certainly doable. My friend, Tasha, started this challenge last week and it's been fun to follow. Thanks Tasha for sharing your idea.

This is how the challenge works. Each day, I'll write about a different topic. Hopefully at the end of the 30 days, you will have learned something new about me and I'll be writing more regularly.

This list of topics was developed by someone else:
Day 01- Introduce yourself
Day 02 – Your first love
Day 03 – Your parents
Day 04 – What you ate today
Day 05 – Your definition of love
Day 06 – Your day
Day 07 – Your best friend
Day 08 – A moment
Day 09 – Your beliefs
Day 10 – What you wore today
Day 11 – Your siblings
Day 12 – What’s in your bag
Day 13 – This week
Day 14 – What you wore today
Day 15 – Your dreams
Day 16 – Your first kiss
Day 17 – Your favorite memory
Day 18 – Your favorite birthday
Day 19 – Something you regret
Day 20 – This month
Day 21 – Another moment
Day 22 – Something that upsets you
Day 23 – Something that makes you feel better
Day 24 – Something that makes you cry
Day 25 – A first
Day 26 – Your fears
Day 27 – Your favorite place
Day 28 – Something that you miss
Day 29 – Your aspirations
Day 30 – One last moment

Happy Reading :)

"Superman"

This entry isn't what I had in mind when I thought about my last blog post for the year. However, I'm dedicated to writing what is on my heart.

It is with sadness and a heavy heart that I sit here. I've mentioned before that I have been following the journey of a young father, my age, battling cancer while his beautiful wife stands by his side with their two young children. They call him "Superman." His wife updated their blog site this morning to report that David is "coming home." David is being released from Northside Hospital where he has been for several weeks undergoing strenuous treatment, away from his family who reside in Athens, GA. David is being sent home with hospice care.

I'm not really sure what to say. This I know; putting faith into practice is hard work sometimes, for me, anyway. Our human desire to understand the things that happen in our lives and those around us is even more puzzling when we can't make sense of certain circumstances. I sat down beside Hagie as I got out the laptop to blog and made the comment to him that I don't understand why bad things happen to good people. I think I've always struggled with this. I've heard sermon after sermon on this exact topic but it doesn't make it any easier to wrap my head around when I see tragedy in the life of good. Hagie looked at me and commented "God has a way of choosing." He's right. And I suppose no other explanation is needed. I just need to have faith that in all things, good and bad, God has a perfect plan and purpose.

As one of God's children, I am called to love with an open heart, show compassion and empathy and pray without ceasing. I have been reminded that I can do all of these things for people that I know and those who I've never met. I thank "Superman" for this lesson. I imagine David will never know the full extent to which he has touched and influenced so many people. I sit in tears for someone I do not know but this is what makes me real. This is what makes me human. My heart breaks because I know there is a family in Athens, GA that is about to face the most difficult part of their loved one's journey.

As the year 2011 comes to an end, I'll continue to pray for David Boyd A.K.A "Superman" and his family. I'll continue to believe that it's never to late for a miracle, that God is the ultimate comforter and HE is the master of all plans.
I'll toast to David's strength, courage and amazing faith.

David's journey: weloveteamboyd.blogspot.com

"A 2011 Recap"

As I sit her sipping on a little spiked eggnog and enjoying the lights of the Christmas tree, I am aware that another year is going and another one is around the bend. It seems that as I get older, the years go by faster and my desire to stop time becomes more and more present. Instead of a narrative, I'd like to make list of memories/experiences, lessons and thoughts that I associate with 2011. A narrative would just be way too long!

~Samantha Caelyn Cook entered the world on July 10. She came quick, fast and in hurry. She shares her daddy's birthday.
~I experienced natural childbirth. I wouldn't trade the experience for anything though I'm sure that was not my opinion at the time!
~My hubby got a local job in his field and got to "come off the road" in August. Praise God!
~My precious son Connor started Kindergarten in August. He has my heart!
~Life lesson reminder: Life is a journey and I'm not promised tomorrow.
~A friend was diagnosed with Stage 4 Liver Melanoma in December. My heart aches.
~Victor's mom died in August. There are no words to comfort the loss of a mother.
~I realized I really do enjoy cooking.
~Mr. Cook (my father in law) was diagnosed with prostate cancer and had surgery. He is now cancer free!
~I met a lady who has my "dream" job. An undercover vice cop/detective for the Atlanta Police Department. I could listen to her stories all day long!
~Connor lost his first tooth in December.
~Victor graduated from high school in May. So proud of him!!
~Hagie and I experienced the loss of his mentor, David Koontz, to cancer.
~I've learned there aren't many differences between store brand and name brand.
~No Disney trip in 2011 but will definitely make sure one is in the plan for 2012.
~My Goddaughter, Elza, turned ONE in October. I keep telling her that I have not given her permission to grow up!
~Life lesson reminder: I NEED the Lord, my family and my friends!
~I continue to LOVE my job and feel fortunate to have a job that I enjoy going to every week.
~I have a new level of empathy for those who suffer with diabetes after experiencing gestational diabetes during my pregnancy. I like my carbs!
~My love for the in-prison population continues to grow and I have found that the population of in-prisoned persons is one that I am passionate about.
~A friend, JG, had a healthy baby boy in November after enduring significant losses. Welcome to the world Baby Jacob!! God is good!
~My cousin Christopher and his wife, Sarah, welcomed Miss Ellis Anne on October 31. Another blessing. I'm excited for Sammie to have a "cousin" close in age!

I am certain that I have left out many things that belong on this list. As a memory pops up or an experience comes to mind, I'll come back to this post and add to my list. Until then, I encourage all my followers to reflect on your own memories, experiences and life lessons of 2011.

"Hello..Time...Where Did You Go?!?"

Sammie Sam will be five months old on December 10th. I feel like time is going by so fast. I don't like it. Every day I am very aware that she is my last baby by choice (unless God has other plans) and it makes me sad on occasion. After Sammie, there will be no more "firsts." No more first smiles, first laughs, first roll-overs or first sitting up. I have experienced my last pregnancy which feels bitter sweet. I'm not a great pregnant person but I sure miss my "baby bump." I miss her kicks, her hiccups and her somersaults. I should add that I don't miss the heartburn, nausea and gestational diabetes. Although I don't miss those things, they all seem so irrelevant when I look into the eyes of my precious baby girl. I continue to breastfeed Sammie Sam and enjoy that special bonding time that we have. I know that in just a few short months, she'll likely have no interest in nursing and will continue to grow and develop into a little girl. My mom keeps telling me to move Sammie to her crib from her co-sleeper before she realizes she doesn't want to be in her own room. I know she's right but it's hard. I just wish time would slow down a bit.

It's frightening how fast time escapes. I feel like just yesterday I delivered Sammie and here it is five months later. I find myself concentrating on the details of her birth because I don't want to forget. I look at her and I am amazed that Hagie and I created such an amazingly wonderful baby girl, with God's help of course. I look at Connor the same way. More and more I realize that parenting a child is a privilege. It's a privilege that should not be taken lightly. I have been entrusted to love, teach, parent and discipline these two precious little people so that they may grow up to be filled with faith in their heavenly father, know that hard work pays off and most importantly that they are worthy of all good things including unconditional love. That's a lot of pressure but I'm so filled with joy that God picked me for this job with Sammie Sam and Connor.I have to throw Vic in here too. No, I'm not his Momma but I love him just as much as my two and I take my role in his life seriously too!! If I could just freeze time for "my three" for just a little bit...

"More to Life"

The Thanksgiving holiday has come and gone and with that, "Black Friday" has also passed. In recent years, Hagie and I have geared up and joined the masses. Not so much for the retail sales but more for the fun of rushing around and officially starting the Christmas season. This year was different and it feels different. There was no discussion about what stores to go to first or what was on the Christmas list that we had to score before it was sold out. Rather this year, "Black Friday" and the rest of the Thanksgiving weekend was spent enjoying family and appreciating a few days of simplicity. College football, long days in our pj's, our favorite shows on the DVR and decorating our home as we prepare to celebrate Christmas. Simplicity is a foreign concept to so many of us, myself included, but I am learning to enjoy the simple things. And it's not so bad.

As I think about Thanksgiving and the upcoming Christmas holiday, I am actually looking forward to keeping things simple and easy and spending time with those I cherish so much. As he always does, the God I serve has reminded me, yet again, that he is in control and life is to be lived without the promise of tomorrow. Everyday should be Thanksgiving.

I've been following the story of a guy my age from Rockdale County that is in the fight of his life, battling cancer with a grim prognosis. I've never met this individual but was drawn to his story because of his unwavering faith and endurance to keep fighting despite what his doctors say. David is a father to two small children and has chosen to believe that his miracle will come. Along with following David's story, a friend was recently diagnosed with cancer of the rectum. She has just undergone surgery to remove the tumor along with her entire rectum to give her the best chance at survival and beating the rare cancer that attacked her body. She, too, is choosing to believe in her own future despite comments from her doctors. She has her life but will live each day with a colostomy bag. Not fun I'm sure but as she has said "it's better than being dead."

These two stories of cancer and the spirit and faith of these two individuals has really stopped me in my tracks. Why should I concern myself with "Black Friday" sales or whether or not Santa will fulfill Christmas wishes? It's not about any of that. This holiday season I want to be deliberate with my time and thoughts. I want to pay attention to all the gifts in my life and take the time to pray for those that are struggling and fighting for the opportunity to simply live.

It's amazing the lessons we can all learn if we sit back and take the time to watch the journey of others. We all have our own journey. We all have peaks and valleys along the way. It's how we decide to handle our peaks and valleys that really counts. More importantly, it's whether or not we choose to believe, that, even in the darkest, toughest valley there is hope and joy through gratitude, prayer and support.

I am thankful for David and my friend for allowing me to follow their journey. This holiday season I am reminded that very little in life matters beyond my relationship with my family and friends, my heavenly father and my children. This year I will raise my glass and toast to simplicity, health and the opportunity to live life with family and friends that I adore!

July 10, 2011: Baby Girl's Birthday

It's has been quite a while since I have blogged. It will take me several entries to catch up to the present.

Samantha Caelyn Cook entered the world on her daddy's birthday, July 10, 2011. If the way she entered this world says anything about her personality and will, I'm already proud of her and convinced that she will live up to her name.

The weekend of July 10, I started having contractions Friday night, the 8th. I wasn't in any pain, just a little uncomfortable and went about running errands and had dinner out with Hagie and Connor.

Saturday was much of the same scenario. Hagie, Connor and I did our usual Saturday stuff and eventually the contractions got a little closer and a little more uncomfortable. I made a call to the doctor on call, who happened to be my favorite in the practice, and he told me they weren't close enough (8 minutes a part) and to call back when they were five minutes a part. I didn't really like his answer but also knew that if the contractions weren't close enough together and if I had not progressed that I'd be sent home. So I read my book and went to bed.

Helllooo 3:30am! I woke up in severe pain, having to really concentrate during the contractions. I decided that it was a good idea to get in a hot bath and see if that helped with the pain and THEN call the doctor. I called the doctor about 4:45am and he said to "go ahead and come in, let us take a look." At this point, contractions were consistently coming every six minutes with very little time in between. Wowza!! I definitely should have called the doctor first. Lesson learned.

My sister arrived on the scene at 5:30am to keep Connor and off to DeKalb Medical we went. We arrived at the hospital at 5:45am. I didn't call my mom and dad yet because in my mind, I had plenty of time to call them once they admitted me. WRONG! Obviously the contractions were interfering with my decision making :). I hate it because I robbed my mom the experience of being in the room when Samantha was born.

It all went so quickly. I remember being balled over in the waiting area while they processed my paperwork. I sent Hagie to the reception window to tell them I couldn't sit there anymore and to please call me back. I WANTED DRUGS! After what seemed like hours, they finally came and put me in a triage room. In tears, barely able to talk, and begging for medication, the nurse wouldn't give me anything until they "checked" me and did blood work. I was about 7cm dilated when she checked me and thought I had plenty of time for an epidural. WRONG AGAIN!

The rest is a real blur but I do remember pushing in the triage room even when I was told not to which caused my water break. Sounded like a water balloon busted!! I recall begging the nurse for any drug she could give me. I specifically remember telling her she could put crack cocaine in my bag, I didn't care, just give me something!! I overheard them page my doctor for the second time as they rushed me to a labor and delivery room all while telling me not to push. I recall having to slide from one bed to the next, I recall practically climbing over the bed rail to try and control the pain and I absolutely did a lot of screaming and crying. During all of this, the nurses told somebody to get an OB in the room, that they didn't care if it was my doctor or not, but to get a doctor.

My doctor got to the room just in time. I screamed at him that I was going to push. Quite frankly, I didn't care at this point if they were ready or not, I was ready and apparently so was Samantha Caelyn. Two pushes later and a lot of screaming and our precious, healthy baby girl was here. ALL WITH NO DRUGS! Holy Cow! Time of birth 7:05am...less than two hours after leaving my house. Close call!!

Words cannot express the experience. It was surreal. It was painful. It was worth every tear I cried and every word I screamed! Did I choose a natural childbirth? Ummm, that would be a negative. Did I survive a natural childbirth? Absolutely and I feel stronger in so many ways because of it! I was also reminded that even in the most difficult and painful of times, I am not alone. One of my besties, Amy, came to see me that day at the hospital. She commented that I did not seem myself and seemed a bit out of it. After talking to her, I was able to recognize that what I had just gone through was absolutely an amazing experience, one that did not go as I had planned but one that I will never forget. The experience of natural childbirth left me in a daze as I ran over all the details in my mind.I hope I never forget!

Samantha Caelyn Cook entered this world determined and strong. I pray she keeps these attributes. Samantha Caelyn Cook weighed in at 6 pounds 6 ounces, 18.25 inches long and unaffected by the gestational diabetes. Thank God. She is truly a gift from God and I cannot get enough of her. I can't wait to share more about her in upcoming posts.

Meaning: "Told by God," "Listener"

Baby Girl Cook's due date is approaching faster than ever. We are at ten weeks and counting...the nursery isn't done and her clothes haven't been washed but she HAS a name.

Samantha Caelyn Cook: To be called "Sam" or "Sammie," whichever sticks. The story behind her first name isn't near as sentimental as that of her middle name. But nonetheless, it has a story too. Not to mention, she will have the same initials as mommy!

I'm a child of the 80s. And that means I grew up on great sitcoms, sitcoms that put to shame what is offered on current television. One of my favorites has always been "Who's the Boss." Those that grew up on 80s sitcoms, probably remember "Sam," played by Alyssa Milano. The daughter of Tony Danza on the show. I remember being drawn to Sam's character. The beautiful tomboy who had an admirable relationship with her father and was well-rounded in life. Even more so, I loved her name. I've always loved female names that when shortened are what most would consider "boy" names. Whoever was going to be sent my way to marry would HAVE to like the name...

Fast forward 20 or so years (yep, feeling old) and enter Hagie Cook into the picture. Like most couples, in the beginning Hagie and I had the "what if" discussions that included marriage and kids (how many, names we liked, gender we preferred, etc). To put a year to the story, it's fair to say that Hagie and I have had Baby Girl Cook's name picked out since about 2002-2003. It is a name we both agreed on from the beginning and one that we both liked shortened to "Sam." Now, to be fair to Hagie, I should probably say that him liking Samantha has nothing to do with "Who's the Boss," but it is a name that he loves.

Once Hagie and I were married and began discussing when to begin a family, "Sam" was the only option for a little girl. We didn't need to have a discussion. When God blessed us with Connor, we were thrilled and the name "Samantha" was put on a shelf in case we were to be blessed with a little girl in the future.

Interestingly, when I was about 12 weeks pregnant with Samantha, the ultrasound tech guessed boy but told me it was only a guess and that at 12 weeks gestation it's difficult to observe differences. I went home and called Hagie who happily accepted the idea of another son but didn't give up on the idea of adding a Samantha to our family. At my 18 week ultrasound, the ultrasound tech stated "y'all do want to know the sex right?" Well, in my head I was thinking I already knew but she could confirm. When she began typing a "g" on the ultrasound screen, I thought I would fall off the table, meanwhile, Hagie sat in his chair grinning from ear to ear. God had given us our Samantha. We both looked at her on the screen and knew she already had a name:). No debate needed.

If you combine the meaning of Samantha's first and middle names it means "listener loved forever." Samantha was loved before she was ever conceived and we cannot wait to meet her.

Samantha Caelyn Cook we await your arrival! "Sam" or "Sammie" to be determined.

"Pouty Sundays"

Well, Sunday evening has come again. I dread Sunday afternoons because lately what this means is that Hagie has to hit the road. We always have such a lovely Sunday morning grabbing our weekly Starbucks, attending church and eating at a new restaurant for lunch...courtesy of Scoutmob. We are expanding our lists of favorites!

You can feel the energy level at the Cook's shifts a bit come about 5pm. Hagie is usually packing his suitcase after taking a power nap; gearing up for his weekly drive to Jacksonville or wherever he is needed. Although Connor and I, sadly, have become used to "daddy" traveling it never gets easier watching him pull away for the week. We miss him. Our time with him consists of late Friday evenings to Sundays at 6pm. Hag doesn't like it anymore than we do. But Hagie, being the person/husband/daddy that he is,sacrifices so that his family is provided for.

I often wonder what it must be like for him week in and week out to be in a hotel room, away from his family. At least here at home, I have Connor and family and friends to call on when I need to be entertained or just need some emotional support. Hagie has paperwork, browsing the Internet and television to keep him company. Not quite the same.

September will be three years since Hagie has had this job which requires that he be gone each week Monday through Friday. He hangs on, we hang on and we cherish the moments we do get to spend together. Even when our weekends are spent running errands and taking care of things around the house its okay because we do them together.

I pray diligently that the right opportunity for Hagie will come sooner than later. The building industry is difficult right now, even when you have twenty something years experience. There's a lesson here somewhere and I'm keeping my eyes open so I am sure to learn it the first time. Maybe the lesson is patience, maybe it's making our marriage stronger, maybe it's truly understanding that things don't happen on our time clock but when God sees fit, or maybe this job is lining up Hagie for an amazing opportunity in which he can be home with us more. Time will tell.

While I patiently wait, late Sunday afternoons will be dreaded and Connor and I (soon along with Baby Girl) will "do what we do" each week. But we'll continue to miss Hagie and pray for his safety and well-being until he comes home on Friday.

We love you Hag and miss you when you're gone.

"It's All in Her Name"

Hagie and I are thrilled that in about 11 weeks our little girl will make her debut. We are so eager to meet her, see what she looks like and incorporate her right into our madness.

We have spend a lot of time pondering the perfect name. We have had her first name picked out since, oh, about 2004. The middle name has been the challenge. As Hagie and I dated and talked about marriage and kids, it became even more evident to me that I wanted to give all of my children middle names, after someone who is special, irreplaceable and someone that my children could be proud to be named after.

For baby girl Cook, I am so excited to give her a middle name that is as beautiful as the person she will be named after. Baby girl's middle name is Caelyn. Caelyn is my first cousin.

It's difficult to even know where to begin in my story about why Caelyn is so special to me, Hagie and Connor. Caelyn and I's story begins when she was just a wee little tot and I had the pleasure of babysitting her and eventually spending several days at a time with her when her parents were out of town. She was such a beautiful little girl; full of joy and excitment to play and try new things, easy-going, and just plain loveable. She hasn't changed. I remember Caelyn and I getting stuck at her house when the big snow/ice storm of the early 90s hit the Atlanta area. It was just me and Caelyn and a house full of movies, toys, and food. She loved the television show "Saved By the Bell" and had every Disney movie ever recorded. That kept us busy. I kept a fire in the fireplace for us and we sat on a cozy couch right in front of it. That seems like ages ago.

I continued to babysit Caelyn regularly and even as she got older, I'd spent the night with her to keep her company if her parents were going to be out of town. As Caelyn got older, our outings consisted of a meal at a good restaurant, mall trips, and visits to see our Memaw. Memaw would be so proud of Caelyn. It seems like time flew and before I knew it, Caelyn was in high school, playing sports and making plans for college. I still cannot look at Caelyn and not see an image of that little girl that used to let me help her get dressed (always best dressed) and put her hair in a ponytail. She didn't always like her hair being brushed and pulled up, but we managed.

I'll never forget the day Caelyn, my aunt, and my other cousin came to visit me and Connor a couple of days after Connor was born. It was March of 2006. Upon them leaving, my aunt told me that Caelyn had been having some severe back pain that wouldn't let up and that after tests, the doctors had found a cyst type mass and she had been scheduled for back surgery. Not "my little Caelyn," was my first thought. Long story short, after the doctor's removed the mass, Caelyn was diagnosed with Ewing Sarcoma cancer. At the young age of 17 and on March 17, 2006. A rare form of cancer that only 150-200 people are diagnosed with every year. What lied ahead of Caelyn would test my own faith and the faith of all those who love her. Caelyn endured both chemotherapy and radiation, lost her hair, pushed through the horrific side effects of chemotherapy and still managed to graduate from the Marist School on time. If you know Caelyn, you'd know to expect nothing less! Caelyn's senior year at Marist she was nominated and won Homecoming Queen, bald head and all! Caelyn is an amazing person in so many ways but how she dealt with losing her hair at age 17 is worth writing about. Caelyn and her mom had gone to the best wig shop in town, bought a wig made of real hair and one that would resemble her real hair as close as possible. What I love is that Caelyn decided she didn't want to be bothered with the wig and she shaved what was left of her hair and sported the bald look. She pulled it off beautifully!

Caelyn will reach her five year cancer free anniversary, post chemo, on January 8, 2012. Thank you God for doing what you say you do and healing Caelyn's body!On behalf of Hagie and me, there's another reason why Caelyn is so special to us. When I first started dating Hagie, I didn't tell my family. I feared their reaction and judgement. However, I did tell Caelyn about Hagie. Looking back, this wasn't fair of me to do to Caelyn (be the only family member to know besides my sister)but I had to tell her...she was my sidekick. Caelyn's initial reaction was different than other family members. She passed no judgement and accepted Hagie from the first time she met him. Their first meeting...a meal at Loco's in Buckhead, where he met us for dinner. Caelyn you will never know how much your support and love has meant to us over the years.
I can't write this post without writing about Connor and Caelyn's relationship. Caelyn, despite being busy at UGA, has always made time to get to know Connor and build a special relationship with him. In all honesty, Connor melts when Caelyn is around. His initial name for her was "Cay Cay." As he has gotten older he refers to her as Caelyn. He's even requested that "baby sister's first name should be Caelyn because I love her." Simply precious. Caelyn has found her place in Connor's heart and it's always such a joy to watch the two of them together.


So, why is Caelyn so special to us? She lives her life and stands for all that we want our own little girl to believe in and demonstrate in her own life. Caelyn's faith, even when dealing with cancer, is strong and unwavering. She takes life in stride and recognizes that there is someone greater than herself at work. She's as beautiful on the inside as she is the outside. Caelyn's love and dedication for her family takes precedence over all things. She maintains her priorities and lives her life nonjudgemental of others. Caelyn is a girl's girl when the situation calls for it and she can hang with the guys like the best of them. Sincere, beautiful, athletic, fun, easy-going, and lives life to the fullest.

Caelyn, as you read this, know that it is with purpose and love that Baby Girl Cook will have your name. We love you and are so excited that Baby Cook will have you in her life. You are a blessing to us all and we thank God for you every day.

"Vito"

In school, US and World history were never something I was interested in knowing more about. That's not to say that I don't love my country or that I don't respect those that have fought in the past or those currently fighting. It's just that the details of war, who did what and when, never really kept my attention.

About three weeks ago, Andy Stanley preached a sermon on forgiveness. He recommended that we read "Unbroken," by Laura Hillenbrand (A World War II Story of Survival, Resilience, and Redemption). The WWII vet that the book is written about actually made a visit to Buckhead church. It was an honor. The book was described to us as an account of his experience in war (Army Air Forces), being a POW who was horrifically abused and tortured. It's his account of how he came to forgive the very men that hurt him. Now, those of you who know me well, will immediately recognize that it's not the story of war that caught my interest rather this man's experience of abuse. Once a social worker, always a social worker.

This week I dove into the book, eager to read of his experience and learn a thing or two about forgiveness in the meantime. This book is beyond anything I could have imagined and it's a page turner for sure. I have to force myself to put it down. My definition of a good book! What is shocking is that I've enjoyed reading the first-hand account of war, especially since this hero (Louis Zamperini) was heavily involved in the happenings surrounding Pearl Harbor. The book details some staggering facts that completely blew my mind. I want to share:
~In less than 2 hours over Pearl Harbor, Japan badly wounded the American Navy and killed more than 2400 people.
~In the AAF, there were 52,651 stateside aircraft accidents over the course of war, killing 14,903 personnel (Zamperini referred to the plane he began flying in as "The Flying Coffin").
~In WWII, 35,933 AAF planes were lost in combat and accidents.
~35,946 personnel died in nonbattle situations, the vast majority of them in accidental crashes.
~A report issued by the AAF surgeon general reported that between November 1, 1943 and May 25, 1945, 70% of men listed as killed in action died in operational aircraft accidents, not as a result of enemy action. The problem, in most cases, were the planes.
~WWII has been referred to "a war without funerals."

I'm not just rambling about this book for nothing. The bottom line is that this book has left me thinking about my deceased grandfather,Vito Rappa, who was a WWII Navy vet. This book continues to make me think about my grandfather and what he must have endured during war, on a ship at sea with bombers flying all around and an ocean filled with swarming sharks. Vito was an Italian charmer. He was handsome, proud of the US Navy, and loved his family. Vito had his issues too though. I am convinced that my grandfather suffered with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) every day of his life after returning from war. Like many PTSD sufferers and war vets, Vito came to rely on alcohol, likely his way of self-medicating the memories and anxiety that he was left with after his experiences in war.

Vito never talked a lot about war. In fact, I only have one memory of what he told me about his experience. He told me the hardest part of being in the Navy during the war was that one of his "duties" was to discard the bodies of his deceased mates. He explained that this consisted of throwing the dead bodies overboard into the shark infested Pacific Ocean. The bodies of men that had come to be his compadres and his buddies. I cannot even imagine what that must have been like for him. That's not something you ever forget and he didn't.

In reading "Unbroken," I have come to regret not sitting down with Vito and listening to his stories. What a brave man he was and his experiences shaped the person he was. I should have taken the time to listen, to understand what life was like on that Navy ship, and I didn't. Vito died several years ago and buried with him are his memories of World War II. Memories and experiences that cannot be dug up - perhaps that's the way he wanted it.

Thinking of you Granddad.....

Oh So Delicate

I don't remember worrying about something going wrong during my pregnancy with Connor. Maybe it's because at that time not everyone around me was trying to conceive or already pregnant. Over the past few years, I've been reminded that the beginning of human life is extremely delicate and sometimes God has a plan we don't necessarily understand.

In 2006, I was oblivious to how common miscarriages are, how difficult it is for some couples to conceive and just how precious every week of pregnancy is. I had the experience in 2009-2010 of witnessing one of my best friends go through the emotional toll of trying to conceive. Standing by her side, emotionally, what strength and courage she showed on her long journey that led to fertility treatments. I saw first hand the worry about whether or not she and her husband were even capable of creating and then the anxiety, hope and upset associated with fertility treatments. I couldn't relate but her pain was my pain and her experience was one of two happenings "around" me that reminded me just how little control we have when it comes to conception. I was also humbly reminded of just how fortunate I am to have had an easy time conceiving. I am thankful for being witness to her experience.

A second event occured to someone who is an acquaintance but the experience affected someone dear and close to my heart. This acquaintance miscarried at about 22 weeks gestation. How devastating for her and her family. Yet again, something before hearing of her experience, had not been something within my scope. For the majority of people walking around, it isn't even a thought that there are women every day dealing with the loss of a child either in the womb or shortly after delivery. For me, it's on my radar and has altered my own thinking regarding pregnancy and loss.

Because of the experiences of people around me, throughout my current pregnancy, I continue to be very aware that being able to conceive and carry a child is indeed a blessing and one not to be taken lightly. After each appointment to check on Baby Girl Cook, I breathe a sigh of relief and thank God for a healthy baby and a pregnancy that is being protected by someone far greater than me. None of us are meant to understand the why and why nots of life but we can learn from our own experiences and the experiences of others. It's the experiences like I have mentioned that force us to look beyond ourselves and attempt to accept that in all actuality, at the end of the day we have very little control over most things in our lives. That's a difficult one. I guess that's why I spend a lot of time with my clients teaching them the importance of using their energy to work on the things they can control and accept those things in life that are simply out of their realm of power.

So, in moving forward, with each kick I feel and heartbeat I hear, I am full of gratitude. Grateful for a process that is completely out of my control and one that cannot be explained.

*Pic taken from internet.

Settling Hormones

Ok, so I must give credit where credit is due. A few posts ago I wrote about my mood being far less than "normal." One of my doctors attempted to reassure me weeks ago that what I was feeling was "most likely" hormonal and around 24-26 weeks I should start to notice a change...for the better. Well, I do believe he is right.

I just hit the 24 week mark (holy cow only 16 weeks to go). And I do feel better. I feel motivated, have had several days of cleaning sprees, felt like cooking and all together feel more like myself. Thank Goodness!

As I mentioned in an earlier post, feeling depressed was a new one for me. Fortunately, depression is not something I have had to battle in my past. Now that I've experienced it for a couple of months during this pregnancy, I have an even greater level of empathy for my clients that suffer from chronic depression. It is my hope that this new experience follows suit with my perception that my own life experiences only add to my clinical abilities and serve to enhance my clinical practice. For this, I am grateful.

"FIVE...when did that happen?!?"

I'm a couple weeks late but my baby boy turned 5 on March 3! I feel like just yesterday my precious sidekick was born. Since day 1, he has been my baby, my teacher, my sidekick, and my challenger. There's not a day that goes by that my love for Connor doesn't grow stronger and there's not a day that goes by that he doesn't try my patience in one form or another. I can hear my mother saying "PAYBACK!" Even with the challenges of parenthood, I would not trade one moment spent with my lil guy.

In 2006, I had not started blogging yet, so I want to take a few minutes and document my memories of March 3, 2006. The day my life and heart were changed forever.

Very briefly, my water broke at about 5:45am. I was 39 weeks. As I rolled over, the sheets soaked, I told Hagie that I thought my water had just broke. His classic response "Are you sure you didn't just wet the bed?" I called the Emory midwives who told me I could take my time but that I should be at Emory Crawford Long by 9am or so. I surprised myself at just how calm I was. Having no discomfort or pain, I proceeded to take a shower, call my parents and sister, and make sure everything was in place for when Connor would come home. Even had time to ride through the Chick-fil-A drive thru.

Not surprisingly, Hagie and I had waited until the last minute to install the infant car seat. Sooo...a stop by the Virginia Highlands fire station was in order. The only thing I really remember about this part was the fireman asking me when I was due. I chuckled as I told him "now!"

Hagie and I arrived at Crawford Long about 9am and the nurse got me set up with an IV port and I waited to see a midwife. I knew they were going to admit me because my water had broke but I certainly didn't feel like I was in active labor. Still no pain..the only pain I had endured so far was the nurse stabbing my vein and blood spewing all over her and the floor. That was pretty!

I was admitted and checked and I had barely dilated. I was encouraged to walk and walk and walk. There's only so many times I could walk in the same circle. After a few hours, the midwife agreed to induce contractions/labor with pitocin. This was at about 2:30-3pm. It sure didn't take long after being hooked up to the pitocin that my contractions began and my body began to dilate. I remember laying in the bed, mom and dad and my sister Kelli in the room. Hagie sat beside me looking at comic books online. Now that I write that, it's kinda funny. I ended up asking for the epidural as my pain became more and more intense.

It wasn't long before my body began progressing quickly. Dad and Kelli left the room and Hagie and Mom stayed by my side. With my blood pressure getting higher than they wanted, it was a good thing that Connor decided "let's do this!" I recall as my sister left the room, telling her to get the midwife ASAP because I HAD to push! About 4 pushes and 15 minutes later, Connor arrived in the world at 8:58pm. Hagie swears that Connor arrived with his head turned looking towards Daddy. What a great memory! Connor arrived weighing in at 6 pounds, 5 ounces and was 19 inches long. Completely bald and a little jaundice.

After not being able to eat while in active labor, I was absolutely starving. My sweet and gracious Dad went to both Burger King and Krispy Kreme because I HAD to have a whopper and donuts:). Thanks Dad in case I never told you.

Well, that's the short version of my baby boy's entrance to this world. I will continue to love him, protect him, discipline him, and teach him so that he grows up to be a young man that can hold his head high. Praying for guidance and strength as Hagie and I have been entrusted with his precious life. We won't let him down!

It's a Girl

Well, time is passing quickly and Hagie and I found out last week that Baby Cook is a girl. I've had three ultrasounds thus far. At my 12 week ultrasound, they "guessed" boy but said it was really too early to be certain. So for about 7 weeks, I was convinced it was a boy. Hagie wasn't so sure :). So when the tech told us girl last week, I literally thought I was going to fall off the table. Good thing they took my blood pressure before the ultrasound!

Hagie and I are both thrilled. At almost 20 weeks, Baby Girl is healthy and growing on schedule. What a relief for any parent to see and hear. Her profile pictures look like Connor...can't wait to meet her and of course I wonder what she will look like. I'm going to go ahead and guess that she'll favor her father, just like Connor. But that's okay, I happen to think he's handsome.

Baby Girl has a first name...but it's top secret :). I'm just not ready to put it out there. Her name came easily. Back when Hagie and I were dating, we had many conversations about children and names. We've had this baby's name picked out for about 8 years. We are in love with her and her name. Now if the next 20 weeks will pass as quickly as the first half~!

At almost 20 weeks, I can FINALLY feel more than flutters. Last night, I felt my first real movement. It wasn't a kick but more like she just bumped into me. I envisioned her doing gymnastics and accidentally bumping into the side of my uterus. She bumped around for about 20 minutes and then she must have decided to take a little nap. It's strange how I've forgotten some of the physical feelings associated with pregnancy. When she bumped me, it was the strangest feeling; one that seemed brand new! It definitely took a few minutes to get used to. But the movement is so reassuring.

Now it's time to start preparing her nursery. I have a feeling July will be here before we know it! Oh...and shopping, oh the cute girl clothes!

Mind and Body

Ask me how it feels to live with anxiety and I can talk all day. Ask me how it feels to have "the blues" or "the blahs" and I'd tell you I am learning. And I don't like it.

Anxiety has been present in my life for as long as I can remember. But the way I have been feeling lately is VERY NEW. My doctor says its likely related to a change in my progesterone and estrogen levels. Normal for a pregnant person. I've been given the encouragement that by week 26 or so, my levels should even out and I should feel the "blahs" start to lift.

It's become so real to me just how linked our body and minds are. I'll give hormones some of the credit for my recent mood but I can't discount how not feeling physically well affects me too. I have definitely noticed that when my body feels yucky, my mind follows suit. Well this stinks! I am hanging in here, with constant reminders to myself that this too shall pass and in the end, I'll have a precious gift from God to hold in my hands. Some days that's enough, some days it isn't. The days that I struggle tend to be the days that I don't answer the phone, don't call friends to chat, don't respond quickly, if at all, to text messages and it takes all my energy to just "handle business."

I feel fortunate to have a group of girlfriends that pay attention and recognize when I am having one of my days. My husband also falls into this category. Hagie is quick to pick up on if I am being too quiet or I am just not acting like myself. The hard part is it's difficult to explain to others when I really don't quite understand it myself. I guess what's nice is that to my husband and to my "girls" I don't have to explain, they just know. There lies the comfort.

A shout out to my hubby and my girls for recognizing when I'm not myself and for reaching out when I won't.

Good Riddance 1st Trimester

I'm about a month out of the first trimester of pregnancy and am starting to have some good days. I wanted to take a minute and document how the first 14 weeks went for me. I have to say, out of the 14 weeks, I'd say the only "good" weeks were the first 4.5 weeks, of which I didn't know I was pregnant and my body had not started all the wonderful (insert sarcasm here) hormonal changes. My list is not pleasant but it's real.

Let's see, for about ten and half weeks, I experienced all of the following, alone or in combination daily:
-All day nausea
-Dry heaving (I may or may not have peed on myself during my dry heaving moments)
-"other" digestive issues
-Absolutely no energy...walking to the mailbox felt like I'd run a marathon, not to mention keeping up with my clients and my active, happy big boy
-Feeling irritable and annoyed about 100% of the time
-Food aversions of all kinds...food was definitely NOT my friend.
-Not caring what my house looked like
-Not wanting to be bothered by anyone...the couch or the bed was where I wanted to be
-Taking short naps on my office couch just to attempt to settle my stomach and gain a little energy
-My weekly menu really just consisted of Ginger Ale, Spaghetti O's with hot sauce, Poptarts, Chicken flavored Ramen Noodles, and Cinnamon Rolls. Thank God for prenatal vitamins!
-Thoughts of "how am I going to do this?"

Now that I am 17 weeks pregnant, I can say that the days are getting better. My biggest complaint are the pregnancy migraines that seem to make an appearance about every three days or so. I have a new found level of empathy for all those that suffer from migraines regularly. Many a day I want to put my head on a chopping block and just knock it off! My energy is slowly coming back and the food aversions are getting better. Baby Cook still seems to have his/her favorites but at least the thought of food no longer makes me want to vomit.

I recognize this post won't be interesting to anyone else but me. However; my blog is my journey and the highs and lows of pregnancy are a part of my world.

17 weeks and counting....

My First Experience with a Forgotten Population

A write up from an experience I had about a month ago. I encourage all my followers to check out Satellite180.org for more information.

When Mr. Greg Rose, Executive Director, of Satellite Re-entry Inc offered me an invitation to join the Board of Directors, I was thrilled. It was an easy decision to make. Satellite Re-entry serves and supports a population that I have been passionate about for years. I knew by joining this non-profit, that I could use my skills and knowledge to help a group of young men that are desperate for genuine advocates. Little did I consider just how much these same young men would bless and enhance my own life.

After accepting the Board of Directors invitation to join the Board, I was elected to hold the role as Program Committee Chair. My role on the Board has given me an opportunity to meet the young men we support in Burrus Prison as well as meet their H.E.A.D.S. UP teacher and mentor, who happens to be a prisoner himself. H.E.A.D.S. UP is a program supported by the efforts of Satellite Re-entry Inc. and offers the SB440 inmates a chance at learning new life skills and new ways of understanding themselves and others while serving out their sentences. My first trip to Burrus Prison was one of specific purpose. I was to meet with the teacher/mentor that is delivering the H.E.A.D.S UP curriculum on the inside and offer clinical feedback regarding its content and whether or not the curriculum is age appropriate given the experiences of these young men. That being said, I began the process of providing feedback but the day consisted of so much more. It provided me with an experience that will not soon be forgotten.

During my visit, I had the opportunity to sit in on the H.E.A.D.S. UP class and meet the young men that Satellite Re-entry Inc is currently supporting. Walking into the classroom, I didn’t know what to expect nor did I know how my presence in the class would be received. I stood in front of the classroom as a group of about 20 SB440 prisoners walked in, anticipating their Friday afternoon class. I had already been warned that the group would need to see that I was genuine and that I could relate to them in some way. I am certain that this group of 18 African American young men, one Hispanic and one Caucasian had their doubts as to how I could relate or why I would even care about their existence. After all, for most of them, they are the “forgotten” population as they grow up in adult prison, most of them between the ages of 15-18. The group of young men were polite, shaking my hand and allowing me to introduce myself to them casually as they took their seats. Their teacher/mentor gave me an opportunity to answer any questions the group had for me and encouraged me to share with the group my background and why I was there to meet them. I was not surprised when the group didn’t have any questions for me. Having worked in similar populations in the past, I knew that they were waiting on me to “explain” myself and “sell” myself to them in such a way that they could slowly let down their guards and feel safe that I was in their space. After giving the group my unrehearsed version of my professional background and allowing them to see a glimpse of who I am, I felt as if I had been accepted. It is now my mission to ensure that they feel accepted too.
I interacted in the classroom only as cued by the teacher. For me, it was more about looking at each individual and looking into their eyes; where their souls lie and their stories remain untold. As I sat and allowed my eyes to circle the room, the emotions that tugged at my heart where often overwhelming. Deep breathes got me through it as well as the hope that I can help rally more people to listen to their stories and advocate for this group that has no voice. Their pain is evident if you take the time to look and listen. These are adolescents being raised in an adult prison where the majority of the staff ignore their emotional pain and seem to have forgotten that they are adolescents, not adults. They are filled with fear and uncertainty as many of them still have many years to serve in their mandatory sentences. However, despite their pain and fear, my heart sang as the H.E.A.D.S. UP program offers these young men hope for a brighter future despite their past. The excitement and eagerness to create a future that is vastly different from their past could be heard and seen in the classroom. They are passionate about the program they have chosen to be a part of and cling to every word of hope. This is likely what gets many of them through the dark and lonely nights behind bars with others who don’t have their best interest at hand.

Not many of us can even come close to imagining what these adolescents go through on a daily basis. Many of them don’t have consistent family support, they don’t receive encouraging mail, they feel misunderstood and labeled and most of all, they feel forgotten. It is my hope that through my active participation with Satellite Re-entry Inc., I can be a voice for the “forgotten” and find new ways for them to feel accepted and important to those of us who are taking steps towards providing them with opportunities to make their future different from their past.

The Blur that was November and December

Well,I'm back after not blogging for some time. Not because I didn't want to but because life took over and I found myself with little time or energy to write.

The first weekend of November we moved into a bigger house in Decatur near the Oakhurst Village. We were in desperate need of more space and I needed piece of mind that Connor would be attending a good school system. I cannot say enough positive things about how supportive my husband was of my constant nagging and push to get us out of our small home and into one that we could grow into. He listened, understood and began to recognize just how important it was for us to have more room.

We moved in one weekend and Connor and I went out of town the next. Hagie went back out of town for work and we left with boxes and boxes to unpack. We've just now gotten settled. That brings us to just about mid November.

After months of praying and seeking guidance about if and when we should expand our family, God answered our prayers in only a way that he could: a positive pregnancy test! I'm still not sure the reality has set in. I'd be lying to say I don't have anxiety and fear associated with a second child but at the same time I am trusting that this is what God has in store for us. It's part of our big picture.

I worry about being a mommy to a newborn with Hagie out of town each week. I worry about being able to give enough time and attention to Connor as he continues to grow into his own little personality that is ever so precious! I worry about finances. I worry about how to deal with being in private practice and how to ensure that my clients needs are met while I'm taking care of my own and my family's. My solution to the worries is I try and practice mindfulness each day. Living for today, trusting that God is going to provide a way for the rest. He always does.

November and December have come and gone and I feel like I was barely "in the game" for it. My first trimester has been a doozy (more on this later) and I feel like I have literally let two months pass me by. But to be honest, I'm not sure I could have done anything differently. I got through Christmas, doing all of our "normal" activities because Connor was so excited this year. I wish I could have mustered up more Christmas spirit.

That's the quick catch up on the last two months...I look forward to writing about the next leg of the journey!