"Pixie Dust"

Okay, let me first say that I do not like Tinkerbell, she rubs me the wrong way. But I do believe in her pixie dust because Walt Disney World truly is magical. Those that know me are aware that over the past three years I have become quite a Disney fanatic. And so has Connor. I feel so fortunate to have had the opportunities to take Connor to Disney as much as he has gone. Connor's probably been to Disney more than most people go in a lifetime. But we love it.

I have to be honest. At first, when I met my friend Elantrice, and knew she was absolutely crazy over Disney, I thought it was a little weird. I thought "why would a grown woman want to spend so much time at Disney?" When Connor was 18 months old she convinced me to give it a try (I had gone has a child) and see if I "experience the magic." Reluctantly, I agreed. I wasn't convinced that taking an eighteen month-old to Disney was the smartest idea but we went. I remember my mom and Hagie expressing concern about why I would even think about doing such a thing. Well, we all know how stubborn and strong-willed I can be, so Connor and I packed up and headed to Disney for the annual Food and Wine Festival. I'm so glad we went. Connor loved it and was well behaved. He, too, experienced the magic!

Since being introduced to the Disney magic, Connor and I go at least once a year, sometimes up to three times a year. We bought annual passes (just made sense financially...they paid for themselves with one trip) and try to go every chance we get. Hagie has gone with us twice....we love for Daddy to go but sometimes Daddy's work schedule gets in the way. I am fortunate that Hagie sees how much Connor and I enjoy it and it doesn't give me TOO hard of a time.

We just got back from our third trip this year. This trip we went with Auntie Elantrice and her parents. The best part...we rolled out in the larger than life RV and stayed at Fort Wilderness on Disney property. What a beautiful place. I was a little worried about space in the RV but space was not an issue and Connor now thinks RV's are the best thing since sliced pizza. LOL.

There are several things/places that are just "must do's" for us each time we go. They are:
Earl of Sandwich for the best Tuna Melt ever made
Downtown Disney to shop and scope out the "must haves"
Rainforest Cafe or T-Rex restaurant for Connor
A ride on Dumbo
Goofy's Barnstormer roller coaster
Splash Mountain
Thunder Mountain Railroad
Peter Pan
Test TrackThis is the short list!

Each year we plan one trip around the annual Food and Wine Festival at Epcot. What a nice treat! Pretty much..you eat and drink yourself "around the world." Each year the menu for the different countries changes a tad and they keep some items the same. It's a nice leisurely stroll around the countries, picking and choosing what to eat and drink. Over the past three years, I have found that I do have some favorites and they are must haves:
the lamb slider
cheddar cheese soup from Canada
Cosmo slushie from France
Grey Goose slushie from France
Anything at the Italian booth

To make the Food and Wine Festival fun for Connor, we always get "fast passes" for Test Track so we can ride more than once. Connor loves it. His auntie has taught him to "hold onto the yellow strap." Connor's favorite Disney saying..."big boys hold on." In addition to Test Track, we take a ride on the Finding Nemo adventure, the Viking boat ride in the country of Norway and once or twice we've gotten on Soaring. Not my favorite!

After a day at Epcot, the next day was spent getting up at 3:45am to get in line for a Benefit Sale (Elantrice's idea...okay so I agreed) at Downtown Disney in which the proceeds of the tickets went to United Way. Anything for a cause, right!?! The Benefit sale was pure madness but Connor was a trooper, as always at Disney, and then we all headed back to the RV for a much needed nap. I"m pretty sure Connor played with his Silly Bandz while we napped.

For me, all the magic is in Magic Kingdom. Not only do I love the rides and atomsphere there, but the pure happiness on Connor's face when he sees the castle is priceless. Because Connor is quite the experienced Disney goer, he is always quick to tell me and his Auntie exactly what rides he wants to ride and in what order. At which time, its time to pick up the pace and head for fast passes! Yes, we have a system. I have to give credit to Elantrice for the system. But I must say, even when my family went without her in June, I was able to implement the system perfectly:).

Connor has learned from Auntie how to put his hands up on certain rides. He feels so proud after he does this. My boy has no fear. Definitely doesn't get that from his momma!

Sure,Disney can be expensive but for me the fact that I can provide my son with opportunities to go and experience the Magic at such a young age is something I am extremely grateful for. I must add though, we do Disney fairly cheaply and we have figured out ways to minimize cost, thanks to Elantrice!

For this trip:
Cost to stay in the RV: $67 in gas and a bottle of Crown Royal for Mr. Hughley
Park passes: $280 (yep we get auntie's discount)
Food: $100
Happiness and joy for Connor: Priceless!

*will add pics when can

Awaiting the next "magical" trip....

"A New Role: Godmother"

Two weeks ago, Hagie and I went to dinner with our dear friends, Amy and Ray. I met Amy in graduate school in 2000 and we've been friends ever since. I treasure our friendship and have enjoyed the journey of our friendship growing into something so special that words don't do it justice. The purpose of dinner: Amy wanted to eat the eggplant parmesan at a well known restaurant in hopes of getting her labor started. It was a down day for me. Although I always enjoy a night out with my husband and friends, I was upset and anxious this particular day about Victor. So anxious I couldn't even eat my fettuccine alfredo...now that's saying something.

Amy is good at reading me. She feels when I'm anxious, she senses when I'm sad, she shares in my joys and she listens when I need an ear. She must have known I needed a "pick me up" because it was this night she asked me to officially be Elza's Godmother. Tears started flowing and a hug was in order.

What a privilege! I've always loved the idea of "Godparents." What a special gift Amy and Ray have given me. I pledge to take on my new role with honor and complete joy. I get to spoil her, talk to her about "girl" stuff as she gets older, take her shopping, be a role model, and be there to support Amy and Ray along their parenting journey. I am sure my role as Godmother will come with much more but I'll learn as I go. I will love her as my own. I already do!

Amy had Baby Elza on October 28, 2010. I anxiously awaited word that both mommy and baby were doing well. I'm pretty sure I checked my phone every hour looking for an email or text that Elza had made her debut. I'm so happy for my dear friends and look forward to being a part of their journey ahead. I was Miss Elza's first visitor this morning. Pure sweetness. A gift from God. My heart melted when I laid my eyes on her and thought about the incredible life she has entered into being the daughter of Amy and Ray. I introduced myself to her, held her and gave her kisses. I look forward to sharing the story when she is old enough.

Here's a couple of photos of my Goddaughter. Elza your Godmother loves you!

"Roles Reversed"

I feel pretty fortunate to have grown up with all four grandparents in my life up until my early adult years. They have all been special and unique in their own way and all have enriched my life in some way. At age 34, I have one grandmother left. My mom's mom. This grandmother has always been the vibrant one. Never worrying about her health, living on the beach, taking trips to Mississippi to go gambling, and maintaining her real estate property.

Just recently my grandmother has started to show signs of her age. It's sad to think of her as not feeling well, not remembering and not being able to do all those things she used to love. I am reminded that as a kid I never thought my grandparents or my parents would "age." My grandmother has been living between my parent's house and my uncle's house for the past month or so and they've had the unfortunate experience of watching her not be able to take care of herself. She is now the child and they are the parents.

My grandmother will be moving into an assisted living facility, likely this weekend, and this likely will not go over well. I have watched my mom agonize over what to do, how to handle my grandmother's living situation while trying to keep her happy and at the same time keep her own sanity. My mom is hesitant. I get it. She doesn't want to upset or anger her own mom. But as I told my mom earlier, my grandmother has reached a point in her own life where she is incapable of making good decisions for herself. I guess being elderly and losing our independence is likely something we will all go through if the Lord keeps us on earth long enough.

My heart aches for my mother. What a tough decision! I keep reminding my mom that the decisions she makes regarding Grandmother are based out of love and a duty to keep her safe. I'm not sure this makes it any easier for my mom but I think it helps keep things in perspective.

Praying for my mom and grandmother. My grandmother has reached a different stage in her life and so has my mom...although still a daughter, my mom has now taken over the role of parent.

Praying for a smooth transition.

"Our First Humble Abode"

Hagie and I have lived in our home almost seven years! I cannot believe its been that long. We were so excited as a young couple buying our first house and eager to start making the house our home. We thought the house was "so much bigger" than both of our apartments at the time. I am sure it is but it's just not room enough. We both joke that we out grew our home the day we moved in. We have emjoyed our humble abode, putting love and cosmetic updates into it, making it ours. It's hard to imagine living somewhere else. I imagine it will feel strange. On the flip side, it's exciting to get to move into a bigger home, decorate all over again and enjoy the perks of living in the Oakhurst District of Decatur.

We are preparing for a transition. We'll be moving into a bigger house than what we have and the thought of the space we'll have makes me want to jump up and down. Literally! Time to plan a social gathering :)

Over the past couple weeks, Hagie and I have been cleaning up, throwing out, filling bags to donate and putting things in boxes. As if Hagie and I don't have enough "stuff" of our own, add a kiddo to that mix and you've got double. Connor is having a good time helping pack his room, ensuring that I do not decide to give away something that he finds valuable. Proud of my little buddy for wanting to help. He's excited about "the new house." I think he'll be even more excited when he realizes he will have a playroom that he can spread out in and make his own....well, I'll help with the decor of course.

"You Can Do Anything"

I love sharing about special moments and conversations I have with Connor. It's these special moments, when no one else is around to hear our conversations that I treasure the most. They are intimate.

As Connor continues to grow and grow, he amazes me with his communication skills, his ability to carry on a conversation like you are talking to someone much older than four and he amuses me with using his vocabulary in the right context the majority of the time.

This morning, getting into the car to go to school, this was our conversation:

Connor: "Mommy, did you know I can get in on this side of the car and climb over to my seat while holding my book bag?"

Me: "Yes I did...you want to know why...because Mommy thinks you can do anything you want to do."

Connor: As he turns to look at me and cuts me a smile..."Mommy I think you can do anything too."

Insert melting heart here!

What a great way to start a Friday. I am the parent to this precious little boy who thinks his Mommy can do anything. I love that my kiddo has such faith in me...little does he know that sometimes Mommy doubts herself.

Thanks Connor for reminding Mommy everyday that my most important job is being a Mommy! You are a gift from God.

"Missing Piece"

It's been a rough few days. I've officially decided that being a step-parent is more difficult than being a biological parent. My emotions over the past few days have ranged from anxious, angry, sad, and relieved.

Vic made the decision to go reside with some members of his maternal family. He has decided to return to the exact environment that we worked so hard to get him out of. It's hard not to feel that all our time, energy and money have been spent in vain. I imagine the happenings of the past weekend have long been coming but perhaps my forgiving nature, my desire to help, and the overwhelming love I feel for Victor have kept us from making a decision regarding Victor that should have been made months ago.

After leaving home over the weekend without permission and being told he will have consequences to deal with when he returns, Vic came home last night and picked up his belongings. Sitting, with a feeling like my hands were tied behind my back, because of his age (19 in a month), I could do nothing. Nothing but watch and cry as Victor walked out the door without saying a word to me or Hagie, only giving Connor a hug and telling him "keep eating your green beans buddy so you'll be big and strong." Connor and Victor developed a special relationship over the past year and Connor is asking questions about where brother is and why he isn't home. Heartbreaking best describes it.

Today I had to withdraw Victor from school. Trying to hold back the tears as his counselor and the registrar told me how intelligent they think he is and how they wish him all the best. This Momma wishes him all the best too.

When Victor walked out the door he took a piece of me with him. A piece that cannot be replaced by anyone else. A place in my heart that is marked "reserved for Vic" until he decides that he wants to be a part of this family again. My prayer is that he realizes sooner than later that he is making mistakes and will reach out for help. My arms remain open as does my heart despite my own pain and anger.

Victor you are loved beyond measure. Your "second mom" believes in you Buddy!

Untitled Hurt

*Disclaimer: If you are easily offended by offensive language, expression of strong emotion and think you will feel the need to lecture...you should probably skip this post and wait on the next one! This one is raw. I admit it's reactive. These are just my thoughts. I must also say, this entry will come off as judgemental and well...it is. I'm human and I'm not proud of feeling judgemental but this is all I've got for today!

The past two days have by far been the most difficult days for me as a stepparent. Oh let me list the emotions that I felt the past 36 hours:

pissed off
betrayed
unappreciated
hurt
sad
infuriated
misunderstood
taken advantage of
anxious
distracted
alone
hate

I am sure there are more to add to that list but I'll stop there. My emotions are directed at Victor and the piece of crap female who gave birth to him who calls herself a mother. A "mother" that has been full of broken promises, neglect, drug abuse, lies, selfishness, and an unacceptable example to name a few. In my opinion, the title "mom" or "mother" is earned and not one that is automatic because you have managed to carry a child and give birth. Me, however, the "stepmother" who has done everything for this child except push him out of my own body is the one that gets hurt, taken advantage of and left to feel feelings that in my opinion no one can understand unless you've been a step-parent and loved another child as your own.

Victor's behaviors and lack of motivation are infuriating to me. I have worked since I was 14. That's already 20 years I've put into the work force and we can't seem to get Victor to freaking apply for a part-time job! I blame his mother for this....always looking for a handout and "woe is me." I digress....

Today has pushed me to the edge. After discovering that Victor decided it was a good plan to skip three classes yesterday, three that he is currently failing, he seemed to think that "a weekend of freedom was deserved." Wow...really, cause I could of sworn you chose your freedom yesterday when you skipped school to smoke weed! The information of Victor skipping school started a downward spiral that continues. After being told he could not spend the weekend with relatives in Forsyth...the environment that we worked so hard to get him out of....he in turn gets a ride without permission and sent me a text to say "I just got a ride to Justin's. So, I will be home Sunday. I hope you understand. Love, Victor." WHAT...ARE YOU KIDDING ME! No I don't understand and now I feel completely betrayed and like my hands are tied behind my back watching a child I love make all the wrong decisions.

More of the lovely text messages I had the privilege of receiving from him today include:
"Thanks for ruining my weekend."
"Nah forget it, I'm going up there on my own."
"Thanks for making everything shit. Might see you later tonight probably not."

The last one did me in. I am the most consistent, available, hands on parent he has had his entire life and "I made everything shit." This comes after I took him and his "girlfriend" to dinner on my dime, bought him new fall clothes two weeks ago so he could feel good about himself, spend countless hours sitting on the front steps talking to him about his depression because he doesn't feel like he can talk to anyone else, take him to handle things like dental work that his own mother never took the time to do, and "I have made everything shit." I don't sit around and get high in front of him, I don't take his child support and spend it on myself (not that SHE pays a dime), I don't neglect his feelings, I don't pick men and relationships over him, I'm not selfish and I sacrifice everyday for him and I keep my word. His words today have been a dagger to my heart.

I am tired of people telling me to let it go. I'm tired of hearing there's nothing I can do. I'm a smart girl...I know I cannot control an 18yr old who is determined to make every possible bad decision he can make despite the current positive, loving environment he is in. I love this kid. Nine years ago I made the decision to love him as if he is mine. Did he ask me to do that...no, I made that decision. And now I'm paying for it with all the raw emotions as if my own biological child has betrayed my love and kindness.

I've cried, packed up the new clothes I bought him, have plans to remove the television and all extras out of his room and had his cell phone cut off immediately. He's evidently grown so he should probably get a JOB to pay for his own damn phone and clothes. Yep, I am reactive. Tomorrow is likely to be a very different post. But I sure feel better just getting all of this out. We shall see if he returns home on Sunday or if he yet again makes another detrimental decision and decides to stay in Forsyth and quit his senior year. Until then, I will worry, be angry, be sad, and continue to fester in my emotions.

Just let me be....

"Mommy Pains"

Yesterday I experienced something with Connor that left my heart hurting and me feeling like an absolute failure as a mommy. Three days a week my lil guy attends the afterschool program at his Pre-K program. I finish up my last client on those days at 5:30pm and Connor HAS to be picked up by 6pm.

My session ran over by about ten minutes yesterday which left me hauling butt to the school to make it to Connor by 6. Yep, I was flying. I pulled into the school parking lot at 5:58pm....geez two minutes to spare. I open the school door and there sits my little buddy, bookbag on his back and his eyes lit up when he saw me walk through the door. He was the last one to be picked up. As I signed him out, his afterschool leader, walked up to me and whispered that Connor had been upset because he thought "Mommy wasn't coming." My heart fell on the floor I think! Walking to the car,carrying him as he laid his head on my shoulder, I told Connor over and over that Mommy and Daddy would never leave him. I'm not sure this helped. Connor continued to tell me that I didn't come for him and that he was the last one. Heartbreaking. I never want him to feel that way again. And the feelings I feel surrounding this linger. Connor is my world. I knew I was going to pick him up but in his four year old mind all he knew was that all his friends had already left.

So starting today, I vow to leave my last sessions on those three days ON TIME no matter what and I vow to reassure Connor as much as it takes that Mommy will always come for him.

Fall...A Time for Change

As I sit here writing, I see the beginning of fall colors outside my window. I sit with anticipation of what is to come for me and my family. I'm excited, nervous, and scared all at the same time.

The Cook's will be making a physical move in just three short weeks. We are thrilled. We will be moving to the Oakhurst District of Decatur. A four bedroom, two and half bath with a playroom and formal dining room. What's a girl to do....SCREAM for joy at all the space!! Hagie and I love our home but we outgrew it...ohhhh about six years ago! My cousin, Carrie, is in real estate and helped us through the process of finding our new abode. She's fantastic and I cannot say enough great things about her (and not just because she's family). We have a lot of packing to do to prepare but we can do it! We are a team!

You guessed it! That fourth bedroom will hopefully be occupied by another Baby Cook if God blesses us with the opportunity to parent another precious child of his. There's no baby yet but Hagie and I both look forward to an expansion. Am I crazy...maybe? But I've finally accepted there is no perfect situation or time for a second. I am trusting God with the details. After all, isn't that what he wants us to do?

Connor talks a lot these days about having a baby sister and a baby brother. I don't argue that Mommy is only up for one or the other. His excitement is too cute to crush. Especially when Connor believes having a baby sister or brother is as easy as "just go to the neighbors house and get one." Oh if it were that easy :)

Of course I still have all the worries that I've had for the past two years: How will I parent a teenager soon to be young adult, busy bee Connor and an infant with a husband who travels; how will I work out a way to work; how do I preserve enough of myself so I have the energy to be the best mommy I can be, the best stepmom I can be, the best wife I can be, the best friend I can be and the best therapist to my clients that I can be? I read a quote recently that I love and its reads " there are two days a week that you don't have to worry about...yesterday and tomorrow." Isn't that true but so hard to do. I am trying.

Changes are coming and I'm preparing the best I know how!

A New Chapter

The Cook's have had a busy summer so I'll use that as my excuse as to why I haven't blogged in quite a while. A quick catch up: Hagie and I went on a long weekend trip to San Fran which was absolutely delightful; we took a family vacation to the beach for a week; attended two weddings and Connor played his second season of T-Ball. That's right, his second season, you might as well say he's pro!



Summer winded down for the Cook's three weeks ago when my boys started school. Vic is now a senior. I am proud of him for sticking with it. He seems to feel right at home, his second year at Decatur High School. He has plenty of friends and has his own routine in place. Now mind you...this momma thinks his routine could use some tweeking! We are working on that.

Connor has started Pre-K. Wow! My baby goes to school. Connor has had the same sitter since he was 12 months old so we were a little worried about the transition. Evidently Connor was not. My little guy amazes me with his enthusiasm for his "new school" as he calls it and the look of joy he has on his face is a momma's dream come true. He has transitioned into his new school, has already won over the heart of his teacher and takes pride in telling me that he can get to his classroom "all by myself."

I have to say that the new routine that has come with school being in session is a welcome relief. I do better with routine and our routine makes for a much smoother day to day process.

The Cook household is awake and moving by 6:20am. This leaves plenty of time for breakfast, a cup of coffee, a little bit of cartoons and a few minutes for this mommy to sit and embrace my game plan for the day. Getting up at 6:20 makes for a long day for all of us. C-man is ready for bed by 7pm which means time is limited on the days I work. So on Mon, Wed, and Friday Connor stays at the after school program until I finish up at work and he is more than ready to be picked up by the time I get there. After pick up,it's dinner time (most of us know what a challenge that can be), bath time, story time and snuggle time. Snuggle time is my favorite part of the day.

Monday through Fridays are completely structured and this is working for all of us. The best part: I have managed to schedule exercise time 3-4x a week. Ahhhh, the feeling of a good workout!

Hagie continues to travel each week. This is hard on all of us. We miss him when he is gone. Cute story: This past Saturday Connor pounced out of bed and asked if he was going to his new school. I explained to him that it was the weekend and he would go back on Monday. His response "you mean when daddy goes back to work." Me: "yes baby when daddy goes back to work." Connor then turn to his daddy and says "Daddy you can go ahead and go back to work now then." My boy loves his new school.

So there you have it....a quick summary of the Cook household.

Another Year

Thirty-four is approaching quickly. And it comes with stress, decisions, and hope that the upcoming year will bring some changes and happiness with it. That's not to say that 33 has been bad but it's definitely been a challenging year for me. Within the past year, my private practice has grown steady and busy, I've become a full-time stepmom to a 18 yr old who has a mind of his own and Hagie continues to travel every week. And let me not forget that busy little four-year old that lights up my life each and every day :)

I am fully aware that I'm not getting any younger and that a sibling for Connor would be ideal. But many days and nights I find myself questioning for WHO??? Would I like another child...absolutely....do I think its the best time in my life to be making that decision....not really. This creates quite a sense of internal conflict. Maybe part of my internal conflict is knowing what I can and cannot handle.

There's an internal conflict brewing between my faith that all works out the way it should and my logic that tells me to try and control everything that I can. I'm not sure those two things fit together. I mean, if I'm going to have faith, then shouldn't I trust it all the time???? And where does logic fit in? At what point do you take decision making into your own hands and pray for the best?? And is there a time when this is just plain irrational?

"Ouch"

I have been in private practice for two years now and working in the clinical field for over 12 years. One main trend I see regularly is that shame, guilt, disappointment and embarrassment are emotions that the majority of people are not equipped to deal with. Myself included.

When I see clients that are dealing with the above emotions, it usually seems appropriate to begin the process of self-forgiveness. The process of self-forgiveness can be added to the category of ...."ouch, this is not fun."

I work clients through this process every week. I sit with them in their pain, when appropriate I encourage them to use their faith to aide them, and I encourage them to be gentle with themselves through the process. As a clinician, it is a privilege to work with clients through this process and see the outcome on the other end.

The lesson is the same whether you are helping someone or going through it yourself: negative feelings turned inwards are not easy. They are confusing and even when you have faith, sometimes reaching out to that "faith" is not as easy as it sounds. The "fix" is a struggle and there is a lesson to be learned from of all negative feelings we feel.

Underlying the emotions of shame, embarrassment, guilt,disappointment, etc there is usually an initial feeling that starts it all. Before you can learn the lesson of self-forgiveness, one must understand the reasons for their own behaviors and that too doesn't come at the end of a magic wand.

I'm rambling but what I am trying to express is simply this: emotions....the good, bad, and the ugly are all present to teach us lessons if we are willing to pay attention to them and learn from them as we go along.

Signing off... and practicing the importance of paying attention to the wide range of emotions that all of us encounter at some point in our lives.

Big Things Poppin

This past week has been a FANTASTIC one at the Cook household. My four year old has actually eaten some decent food. For the first time EVER, my child ate Chick fil A nuggets. It took two hours to get him to eat TWO nuggets but it was worth the two hours and the two glasses of wine it took me to get through it:)

I don't want to go on and on but I do want to document what my kiddo has eaten this week because it truly is an answered prayer. Not a day goes by that this momma doesn't pray that my baby will eat "normal" food. God has been listening :)

On Connor's menu this week was:
Four Cheese Ravioli
Chicken nuggets
Mac n Cheese
Garlic Cheese bread
Pot Roast
Mashed Potatoes
Apple Jacks with milk

May not seem like a big deal to some but this is a HUGE deal for us!

Hooray for Eating!!

Breaking news at the Cook household: Connor is on a good eating streak. Day 3 here we come. For the past two nights, I have been able to get him to eat his dinner, which was no different than anyone else's in the house. Finally, I think he is able to understand fully how actions and consequences work together...and he doesn't want Mommy to eat his most prized possession: his Easter Reese's Peanut Butter eggs.

So for the past two nights, he has enjoyed yummy Mac n Cheese from Trader Joes and garlic cheese toast. Both of these are small miracles. He tried it and liked it! This means a lot at our household.

This morning, Connor joined me at the table for a bowl of cereal, with milk. And liked it :).

Since my sidekick is eating well and trying new things, I did what any mother would do and went and bought out Target's leftover stock of the Easter Peanut Butter eggs to use as a reward :). Gotta do what you gotta do.

Fine Lines

Okay, so I've written about parenting in past blogs but over the past nine months I have to come to realize that I could probably blog about parenting every day. There is ALWAYS something. Good and bad.

Today I am struggling with the fine line between hovering too much or letting go and watching "my" oldest make poor decisions that will eventually lead to consequences; some of which already have. It's doesn't help my confusion, frustration and worry when he says to me "you shouldn't care so much."

Can a parent ever care "too much?". Once they reach a certain age, do you sit on the sidelines and not be an active participant in helping them make good decisions in their journey called "life?" When does providing guidance and nurturance become overbearing to an eighteen year-old? Are natural consequences better than any consequences I can dish out? How do I protect my heart when I so desperately want the best for him? And is it even fair to expect as a mother that I have the right to protect my heart?

Seems I have a lot of questions and very few answers. Attempting to parent my teenager makes parenting my four year old feel as stressful as a game of Go Fish. You just cannot compare Go Fish to a game of strategic Chess!

I was hoping that the process of writing this would give me some clarity. It didn't. Well, maybe I do have one clear thought. I do believe in the power of natural consequences. I also believe that natural consequences can be good and bad. Good decisions lead to positive natural consequences and bad decisions lead to negative natural consequences. As a parent, it's the natural consequences of the poor decisions that are difficult to observe and accept. I suppose I was also reminded within the past few minutes that I don't have to like or support all of my teenager's decisions or his attitude for that matter; but I do have an obligation to provide him with a positive, loving environment that will hopefully make a lasting difference one day. It's the "in the meantime" that is both nerve-racking and frustrating.

I found this quote and it seems fitting:

The hardest part of raising a child is teaching them to ride bicycles. A shaky child on a bicycle for the first time needs both support and freedom. The realization that this is what the child will always need can hit hard. ~Sloan Wilson

Guess I am dealing with the mixed feelings of loosening the rope and giving him room to learn from his own decisions when all I really want to do is tie him to the rope.

"This thing is of Me"

I enjoyed another Monday with my small group. Having small group on Monday nights starts my week off in such a positive way. I gain so much!

I love the ability to use my blog as a forum for sharing what I learn each week and what I am working on accepting on this journey called life. T\his week the chapter in "Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World" spoke of many things but there is one thing that stands out the most. Quoted from the book, "This thing is from me." Does this mean that ALL things are gifts?? I had to read this sentence over and over again. The bottom line: whether good or bad, elating or devastating, positive or negative, happy or sad, all things are from my heavenly father.

Like most people, it is extremely easy to accept the good things in our lives as being from him, a gift. The spouse/partner of our dreams, healthy children, beautiful homes, stable jobs, good health, supportive friends, "God Winks" when we least expect them and travel opportunities. When these things among many others occur, I am quick to thank God for my blessings and accept them as being a gift from him.

The flip side is that, for me, when something unexpected occurs such as an unexpected bill, a sick child, a parenting hurtle, death or illness, emotional disappointments, and life struggles in general, its not as easy to thank God and its certainly even more difficult to think of these things as gifts.

However, this week I am learning to find comfort in the statement "All things are from me." The good and the bad. Wow...this one is hard. But it makes sense to me. Being human, I don't believe that I am meant to understand all things as they occur. Rather the big picture is revealed to me on his time not mine. That's is where I often get stuck. In my mind, I want things to happen on "Stacie time" and well that just isn't going to happen. Something interesting that tied all this together for me in this book is that God's logic is not my logic. His logic is perfect. Mine is not.

So...I'm going to keep concentrating on the idea that "All things are from him," and that his logic is far better than mine even when I don't understand it. I suppose that's a pretty good definition of faith. Faith for me means believing and trusting even when I can't see the entire picture and even when I don't understand "the bad."

I got to share this with a close girlfriend that is having an emotionally and physically challenging week. She amazes me. She has faith and works hard on letting go of situations that she has no control over. It's admirable. I want to be like her when I grow up :)

Til then, I going to work on accepting my gifts even when I don't think the wrapping paper is very pretty :)

Hula Hoops

I am fortunate enough to be a part of a "small group" on Monday nights with a group of fabulous ladies. Tonight's discussion centered around the fact that most women juggle more than one hula hoop at at time. I identified my many hula hoops as:

Mother
Stepmother
Wife
Therapist
Taxi-driver
Cook
Cleaning lady
Sister
Daughter
Friend

Juggling my many hula hoops is no easy task. And undoubtedly I cannot keep every hoop afloat perfectly all the time. This is frustrating to me. I want to be the best at everything I do all the time. But I have also learned during time spent with my small group ladies that its okay to set priorities and that I don't have to be perfect at any of it. I just have to do my best.

All that being said, life has a funny way of picking for us sometimes which hula hoop needs to take priority. For me, this week it's my hula hoop with "stepmom" written on it. My heart is heavy with worry for my stepson, who many of you know, I really don't even like to refer to as a stepson because in my heart he's my son! Victor has not had an easy life. His beginning years are confusing to him and their are people in his life that haven't been truthful to him. So at the age of 18, I sit and watch my "son" try to develop an identity for himself and I provide guidance and a listening ear when he asks. This past week I had an experience with Vic that will not be easily forgotten. As I sat on our front porch, enjoying the beautiful sunshine, Vic came outside and sat with me, tears in his eyes. All of the details of that private conversation aren't appropriate to put here, what is important is that I have a "son" that is hurting and I want to take it all away. I want to take all of the emotional pain that he has carried for the majority of his life and throw it away so he doesn't have to hurt anymore. But I cant do that. What I can do is be the best "mom" I can be for him and make myself available to him so that we can share more "porch moments." As we both sat in tears on the front porch, I was reminded that there is a love and trust between him and I that no one may understand and I want to continue to be there for him. Parenting is hard, step-parenting is even harder.

Praying for sunny days ahead for my son Vic and praying that he knows he is loved beyond measure by a stepmother who will always love him as my own.

Praying that the God I serve will provide Vic with peace and comfort. Praying that Vic will come to believe in himself as much as I do and praying that my God keeps him safe in the meantime.

My Boy is Growing up

This week has been a usual week at the Cook household. Hagie flew off to his second home in Tampa, Vic had school,Connor went to Super Cooper's and I worked. But one thing was different. I registered my baby boy for Pre-K. Wow!

Sitting at the school, filling out the paperwork, all I could think was "oh my where has time gone." Connor will be four in just a few short weeks. Four years old! It has been so much fun watching him grow into this little boy that will soon go to school everyday like a big boy. Of course I am biased, but he is most definitely prepared for what Pre-K has in store. He amazes me everyday with something he says, something he knows, or an observation or story he shares.

I will treasure my days off with him for the next few months. Just as time has flown by from my pregnancy with Connor til now, so will the time between today and his first day of Pre-K. Every moment is cherished.

Initimate Encounters

I have said it before and I'll say it again, I love my career. The only down side to being a therapist is that on occasion, I feel the same emotional pain for what my clients may be going through that they do. Some days are easier than others at leaving "it" in my office and going home.

One of the reasons I love my job so much is that once trust is established, my clients invite me into their personal space and share some of their most intimate encounters with me. I am thankful to each and every client who invites me "in."

Yesterday, a client that I've been working with for about a year, asked that I come visit her for a "little while" at Emory Hospital. She's been at Emory since January 2, watching her husband slowly decline, end up in pulmonary ICU, and now has been told the end is near. I've worked with her since her husband initially went through chemo and other treatment for esophagus cancer. I showed up at the Emory ICU unit, expecting that she definitely needed some support that was different from what her family and friends could offer but not expecting that she would invite me to sit with her at her dying husband's bedside. At that point, I swallowed my own anxiety for hospitals and beeping machines, and accepted her invite with my own understanding that there was a reason for her request.

My heart broke as I sat, offering comforting words and also making some recommendations as to how she could try to decrease her own anxiety about the situation, all while she sat and held his hand. My poor client was doing what most people do in these situations; she sat, eyes glued to the machine that tracks his heart rate, blood pressure, oxygen etc. It was painful to watch. Nurses would come in and out, offering little direct information and telling my client that she would need to talk to the doctors when they came through for rounds the next day. If any of you have been in her shoes, tomorrow's rounds isn't good enough! Part of being a true social worker/therapist is advocating for your clients and this was my opportunity to do so for her. I grabbed the nurse with my client's permission, and told the nurse that I was her therapist and was there to offer support and help her through an extremely difficult process but that I needed some information in order to do that. Much to my surprise, the nurse was accommodating and revealed that her husband was nearing the end and that the doctors were prepared to talk with my client the next morning about "letting go" and decreasing the support that is keeping her husband alive. For a moment, I had to stand against the wall and work out in my own head exactly what I was going to say to my client, especially since she had asked me to talk to the nurse and get any information that they would give me.

Long story shortened, I sat with my client as she wept over her husband's struggling body and conveyed that maybe it was time to start the "letting go" process and enjoy the moments with her husband. She took my advice and had the monitoring system turned around and silenced and continues to spend each moment with him, moment to moment and she will continue to do this until his body cannot do it anymore.

I am so grateful for this client. She invited me into what will turn out to be her most intimate and painful memories with her husband as he laid there on life support, his body showing signs of deterioration. She soothed him through touch and by telling him it will all be okay; all while on the inside feeling terrified. Her greatest fear was becoming her reality. She would lose her husband at a young age and would be left to parent her 11 yr old son and 16 yr old daughter without him.

Why am I grateful? I am grateful because all though it was her intimate encounter, I was also impacted and was reminded of a valuable lesson. The reminder: live in each moment of every day, treasuring the moments with the people I love every chance I get, not taking any days for granted. Life is delicate, our own mortality not promised from one day to the next.

Thanks to TG for inviting me into her "space" and for allowing me to share her experience with her. TG you have taught me a lesson about life, love, strength and endurance!

A Mighty Fortress

Hagie and I actually made it to the 9am service before volunteering at our usual hour at 11. We've been saying that we needed to "get it together" and get up early enough to go to service before our time in one of the baby rooms.

So we made the commitment to go this morning and I'm so glad we did! Andy Stanley started a new series entitled "Taking Responsibility for Your Own Life." The entire message was good and I look forward to hearing the rest. At our church, the music is often as powerful as the sermon and I'm often left speechless. I usually view it as whatever stands out and sticks with me is exactly what I needed to hear at the time.

Right before the sermon, one of the singers sang a song about God being a mighty fortress. She had looked up the meaning of a fortress and in one place it was described as "a place of exceptional security." Wow...I liked that. I've never thought of my God that way but it has stuck with me all day and I really want to concentrate on this concept. Thinking of my God as a mighty fortress comes at a perfect time for me. It is comforting for me to think of him this way; especially in the stressful times that are today and when my anxiety feels so overwhelming at times that I often feel stuck. I can rest in the security of my mighty fortress. Now I just have to figure out how :)

So here we are about to start a new week. Hagie will be gone until Friday (which means finding a sitter for late Friday afternoon so I can see my clients), I am working six days this week to make up for not seeing clients on Friday and Saturday due to the snow-ice of 2010, and I'm already feeling anxious about an outpatient surgery that I am having next week. So yes, I think I will lean on my mighty fortress and trust that he is a place of exceptional security and I'll keep trudging along. I look forward to some days where life isn't so stressful and Hagie is home more. I like to rest in the security/safety that Hagie provides me too!

In preparation for the busy week ahead, I'm so proud! I've done some things differently today. Dinner will be on the table by 7, my outfits are picked out and ironed for the week, our bedroom is organized, and I'll be able to rest after dinner is served. This all feels really good!

Signing off, with a positive attitude and outlook!

I get it!!

Growing up, I remember all the important females in my life (my mom, memaw, my aunt, my grandmother) being extremely protective of the "nice things" in their homes. I can remember getting in trouble if mom didn't think I was treating the nice things in our home the way she wanted me too. For instance, only certain pillows could go on the floor, eating on her new couches was a no-no and even now she is protective of her furniture and her carpet. Boy, mom, I get you!! As a child, I definitely didn't get it and as a teenager I really wasn't busy thinking about the money my mom and dad spent on the things in our home or the sacrifices they made to make our home look the way it did. BUT now I totally get it.

Hagie and I work hard every day to provide for and create a home environment that is both cozy and inviting for company. One of the things I truly enjoy is buying new things for our home, pieces of furniture, pictures, and other accessories to make our home complete. So I sit here in complete frustration because while I was busy cooking my family dinner, Connor was busying drawing on my dining room table with an ink pen. He's four, yes he is young, but he also knows that drawing on the table is a no-no, he doesn't have to understand why yet. But I'm also upset because there were two others at home that, had they been paying any attention, would have realized that Connor was being a little too quiet. I'm sure something will be said about this blog, but that's okay, its my blog and I'm expressing how it feels to me to know that my table now has marks that cannot be removed!

Yep, I'm angry too! My table that I haven't even had a year yet, spent my own earned money to purchase, now has nice ink pen drawings on it. Not what I would consider a nice accessory to my dining room table!

Now that I've vented, I am going to let it go. But not before apologizing to my mom for the many times, I'm sure, for not showing appreciation for the nice things in our home growing up. And I'm sorry for not understanding why your nice things were important to you. I'm sorry mom.

Feelings

We all have feelings for a reason. Feelings are signals. Sometimes we act on them, sometimes we don't. Life gets tricky when we feel things that we don't know what to do with. It's hard to decide if, when and how to act on certain emotions. And whether or not our feelings are reactive to something or someone or if they are our little inner voice. What I do know is that not all feelings are intended to be acted on!

I guess this is all a part of maturity and being an adult. But it sure isn't fun sometimes. Today I'd like to be four. A child with no worries,lots of toys and no understanding of the stress that comes along with getting older. Today is a day of many emotions. For today,I am going to sit with them. I am going to pray because that is all I know to do.

The Beginning of a New Year, the Good and Bad so far....

My thoughtful hubby mentioned a couple of months ago that he wanted to stay somewhere nice for New Year's Eve, and leave the boys behind. What busy wife, mommy and therapist can pass that up! So we booked a room at the Ritz Carlton Atlanta, club level, made dinner reservations, enlisted our good friends,The Renes, and off we went!

Staying on the club level, you HAVE to take advantage of the appetizers, open bar, and light snacks they provide throughout the day so we checked in at 4 and didn't meet up with our friends til 7pm. That meant plenty of time for the club level lounge.

Connor stayed with Nana and Pawpaw and Vic went to a cousin's house. About 5pm, we got a call from my mom that Connor was reacting to what seemed like an ant bite but that all was under control. Medication given, bath taken, temperature down and breathing normal. Of course, this didn't keep this momma from worrying about my lil man but I knew he was in good hands with my parents and that they would call if anything changed.

So the night went on....dinner at the midtown Melting Pot...bring on the cheese!! That's my favorite part. After an intimate dinner with great conversation and laughs, we headed back to the Ritz for a dance celebration. Now yes, I admit, any dance party that happens at a hotel is sure to be cheezy but it was free, they played good music and I just can't pass up an opportunity to boogy! We rang in the New Year on the dance floor, toasting to an exciting and hopeful 2010! And Nana had called to say Connor was playing and feeling better so all was good in our world!

New Year's Day we went to pick up our little Connor but not before enjoying our club level breakfast and buying new living room furniture. When we arrived, we noticed that one of Connor's ant bites had swollen up and his appetite wasn't great. His temp was down, he played but we could tell he just didn't feel well. Well....by 11:30pm, Connor was running a temperature of 103, his navel was red and swollen shut and he obviously just didn't feel good. Off to the ER we went :(. Fortunately, there was no initial wait and Connor was put in a room immediately. After an IV of antibiotics, a suppository of Tylenol and a lot of examination, the doctor believes that he reacted to the ant bite and also developed a secondary infection from the scratching.

I tell you, the worse part about being a parent is watching your child be stuck and prodded and not being able to protect them. As the nurse laid across Connor to hold him down so the other nurse could set up an IV port in his hand, my eyes filled with tears, if only I could have been the one to go through it, not Connor. Blood was drawn and labs were done. Scary..."Mr. and Mrs. Cook we will want to keep him in the hospital if his white blood cell count is too high." Not what we wanted to hear at 2am! The labs took an hour but returned good results. His blood counts were good and we could go home but not without ten days, 3x a day of antibiotic and directions to keep his fever down and monitor the bite sight for growth.

Anytime Connor is sick or has been taken to the ER, I would trade places with him if I could. At his age, they seem so helpless. Although it wasn't an ideal way to spend the early morning hours of January 2nd of the new year, I feel reassured that God is in control and Connor was provided with the care and courage he needed to get through some not so fun medical tests....for that I am thankful. I am thankful that I have a God I can pray to when I am scared, anxious or upset.

So as January 2nd continues, I am practicing my mindfulness skills and living in the moment. Laying in my pj's with Connor and Hagie, watching all the movies we can stand. I wouldn't be anywhere else!

Thank you God for giving me the absolute best parents ever, for giving Connor the greatest Nana and Pawpaw any child could ever have and for providing comfort during a scary situation! Continuing to pray that Connor gets a little better every hour that passes and that he takes his antibiotic willingly so that IV antibiotics don't become necessary.

Here's hoping and praying that 2010 brings no more ER visits, maybe we got our visit out of the way early in 2010 to make room for bigger and better experiences!