Part of the reason I chose to begin a blog was so that I can document every day moments that no one else sees and also moments that I never want to forget.
Enjoying a lazy day after Christmas in our pj's, all playing and resting in our own way, I decided to have a DVR marathon, most of which included multiple episodes of Grey's Anatomy that have gone unwatched while the days have come and gone with the stress of daily life.
To set the scene, I was laying on the couch in my new pj's, Hagie was asleep on the other couch and Connor was busy playing with many new toys that include a giant fire truck, a dump truck named "Rocky," and a really loud race track. As usual, the tears started flowing as I watched episode after episode of one of the most emotional shows on television, Grey's. My sweet, observant boy came up to me and this is an account of our conversation:
Connor: "Mommy, what's wrong, are you sad?
Me: "Mommy's not sad because of you, mommy's watching a sad show on tv."
Connor: "Mommy I'll give you a hug and you won't be sad anymore and I'll clean you up."
Me: "Connor, mommy is ok and mommy always likes hugs from you!"
Connor: "I'll be right back....(Connor runs down the hall and comes back with tissue.)
Connor: "Here mommy, I wipe your eyes and clean you up and you'll feel better."
How precious is my little guy! I love that he has such a sweet spirit about him and I love that he loves hugs!!
Note to self: Don't watch emotional shows in front of Connor so not to confuse him as to why mommy is sitting on the couch crying.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Lifetime Achievement
Just a quick update on my weight loss journey. Back in November, I met my goal weight and maintained it long enough to earn "lifetime" membership to Weight Watchers. I feel great about myself for this achievement. Not only do I like my body again :), but I feel better and exercise does wonders for my emotional and physical health.
So the next step is this: weigh in once a month, stay within 2 pounds either way of my set goal weight and I don't have to pay. Fantastic!!
The best part is that I am healthier, no more blood pressure medication and I get to wear cuter, sexier clothes. What's so bad about that!
So the next step is this: weigh in once a month, stay within 2 pounds either way of my set goal weight and I don't have to pay. Fantastic!!
The best part is that I am healthier, no more blood pressure medication and I get to wear cuter, sexier clothes. What's so bad about that!
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
A Celebration of Two Lives
Last Wednesday, November 25, 2009, was a day of sadness and joy. Sad because I attended the funeral of Page Walden. Joyous because I got to spend time with my family celebrating the 21st birthday of my most favorite cousin (shhh, don't tell), Caelyn Elizabeth Brady.
After battling cancer off and on since 1990, Page Walden was finally called home. Her family did such a beautiful job planning her Celebration of Life ceremony. It was a tribute to the woman, mother,grandmother, survivor, mentor, teacher, wife, and friend Page was to so many. Although I have already written some about Page, because she meant so much to me, I feel inclined to share just why she was so awesome and important to me over the years. Page was the type of woman I would love to be. She lived life in the moment, never fearful or anxious about what the next corner would bring. She was an amazing woman who was so grounded in her faith that she never questioned her diagnosis, which she knew would eventually take her life. To quote Page when I visited with her at Emory only a short three weeks ago, "well, I guess I don't have a choice but to keep on fighting." This was in response to my statement "it shouldn't be you." Page's Celebration of Life ceremony focused on two key points:
Page fought the good fight and a quote that Page had written down in her address book some time during her journey..."Life might not be the party we hoped for...
But while we are here, we might as well dance!" I appreciate Dan Walden sharing this quote with so many of us that loved Page. It sums her view of life up perfectly. It is my goal for 2010 to live my life the way Page did. Not worrying about tomorrow or next week, but enjoying today, live in the moment, and trust that my heavenly father has a plan for me that will be revealed as he sees fit! Thanks Page for being such a role model and amazing woman in so many ways.
Now on to the more happy part of November 25th. My little cousin Caelyn turned 21! Talk about feeling old. Caelyn turning 21 definitely made me feel ancient as I used to keep her while my aunt and uncle traveled(getting snowed in during the "blizzard" of 1994), often picked her up from school or spent weekend nights with her while her parents were out. I can remember even taking her to holiday carnivals and having a blast. Caelyn at her young age also represents strength and courage as she too has had to fight cancer. What a pleasure it was to get to celebrate with her friends and family and toast to many more years of health and happiness. God has a plan for this young lady and I cannot wait to see what it is! Caelyn is a beautiful young lady with intelligence,style,class, and a spirit like no other 21 year old I've met! Can you tell I just love her!?!
The birthday celebration consisted of a champagne toast, dinner at Ecco, and bar hopping with the youngsters. Yes...us older members of the group hung in there til 1am!! Did I mention we rode in style down Peachtree in an 18 person red Hummer limousine! I loved every minute of it!
What a memorable day November 25th, 2009 was for me. The celebration of two lives, two strong females...one who fought the good fight and danced until she was called to be an angel and the other the life of a youngster who also means so much to so many of us and we celebrate her good health and the genuine young lady she is and look forward to seeing what the future holds for her! Thanks Caelyn for allowing me to be a part of your day!
After battling cancer off and on since 1990, Page Walden was finally called home. Her family did such a beautiful job planning her Celebration of Life ceremony. It was a tribute to the woman, mother,grandmother, survivor, mentor, teacher, wife, and friend Page was to so many. Although I have already written some about Page, because she meant so much to me, I feel inclined to share just why she was so awesome and important to me over the years. Page was the type of woman I would love to be. She lived life in the moment, never fearful or anxious about what the next corner would bring. She was an amazing woman who was so grounded in her faith that she never questioned her diagnosis, which she knew would eventually take her life. To quote Page when I visited with her at Emory only a short three weeks ago, "well, I guess I don't have a choice but to keep on fighting." This was in response to my statement "it shouldn't be you." Page's Celebration of Life ceremony focused on two key points:
Page fought the good fight and a quote that Page had written down in her address book some time during her journey..."Life might not be the party we hoped for...
But while we are here, we might as well dance!" I appreciate Dan Walden sharing this quote with so many of us that loved Page. It sums her view of life up perfectly. It is my goal for 2010 to live my life the way Page did. Not worrying about tomorrow or next week, but enjoying today, live in the moment, and trust that my heavenly father has a plan for me that will be revealed as he sees fit! Thanks Page for being such a role model and amazing woman in so many ways.
Now on to the more happy part of November 25th. My little cousin Caelyn turned 21! Talk about feeling old. Caelyn turning 21 definitely made me feel ancient as I used to keep her while my aunt and uncle traveled(getting snowed in during the "blizzard" of 1994), often picked her up from school or spent weekend nights with her while her parents were out. I can remember even taking her to holiday carnivals and having a blast. Caelyn at her young age also represents strength and courage as she too has had to fight cancer. What a pleasure it was to get to celebrate with her friends and family and toast to many more years of health and happiness. God has a plan for this young lady and I cannot wait to see what it is! Caelyn is a beautiful young lady with intelligence,style,class, and a spirit like no other 21 year old I've met! Can you tell I just love her!?!
The birthday celebration consisted of a champagne toast, dinner at Ecco, and bar hopping with the youngsters. Yes...us older members of the group hung in there til 1am!! Did I mention we rode in style down Peachtree in an 18 person red Hummer limousine! I loved every minute of it!
What a memorable day November 25th, 2009 was for me. The celebration of two lives, two strong females...one who fought the good fight and danced until she was called to be an angel and the other the life of a youngster who also means so much to so many of us and we celebrate her good health and the genuine young lady she is and look forward to seeing what the future holds for her! Thanks Caelyn for allowing me to be a part of your day!
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Just an Update
First to my readers that I talk to daily and for those that I only get to talk to every once in a while, thanks for all the emotional support lately.
My friend Page Walden is now at Atlanta Hospice, resting comfortably and will likely meet her heavenly father within the next few days. Her family has such strength and faith and they are an inspiration to me. They are doing as well as can be expected knowing that Page will live on after her time here with us. Her footprints will forever be seen!
Secondly, after talking to my mom and my aunt, I have taken steps towards my "big picture." It's hard for me to let go of control but I am going on faith with this one and pray that I can find peace knowing that all will be taken care of, even if it's not "Stacie's" way. So, I have sent an email to the head doctor here at the practice letting him know that as of January 1, 2010, I will go back to working only three full days a week, no Saturdays. I have made this decision for several reasons. One, taking care of a almost 4yr old and an 18yr old is no joke. Add working full-time to the mix and Hagie not being home and you have a very stressed out, anxious Stacie. That is not what I want for my life. I also made the decision because Hagie and I look forward to expanding our family one day soon and to add a baby to the mix will require good health, patience and as little stress as possible. I have to begin minimizing now!
A direct quote from my aunt yesterday, or as direct as I can remember while I was in my sad mode, "you can't get back the time with your kids, you'll have time to work later." So I am trying to embrace this and remind myself that at the age of 33 I don't have to be therapist of the year, nor do I have to bring in an astronomical income and as much as I'd LOVE a bigger house, God will provide the means to do so when it's time.
So I am leaping, slowly, but leaping. And holding on to the faith I have to understand that the decisions I make today will work themselves out in the future.
I am looking forward to seeing what 2010 brings and looking forward to a lot less stress....and I suppose fewer trips to Target :)
My friend Page Walden is now at Atlanta Hospice, resting comfortably and will likely meet her heavenly father within the next few days. Her family has such strength and faith and they are an inspiration to me. They are doing as well as can be expected knowing that Page will live on after her time here with us. Her footprints will forever be seen!
Secondly, after talking to my mom and my aunt, I have taken steps towards my "big picture." It's hard for me to let go of control but I am going on faith with this one and pray that I can find peace knowing that all will be taken care of, even if it's not "Stacie's" way. So, I have sent an email to the head doctor here at the practice letting him know that as of January 1, 2010, I will go back to working only three full days a week, no Saturdays. I have made this decision for several reasons. One, taking care of a almost 4yr old and an 18yr old is no joke. Add working full-time to the mix and Hagie not being home and you have a very stressed out, anxious Stacie. That is not what I want for my life. I also made the decision because Hagie and I look forward to expanding our family one day soon and to add a baby to the mix will require good health, patience and as little stress as possible. I have to begin minimizing now!
A direct quote from my aunt yesterday, or as direct as I can remember while I was in my sad mode, "you can't get back the time with your kids, you'll have time to work later." So I am trying to embrace this and remind myself that at the age of 33 I don't have to be therapist of the year, nor do I have to bring in an astronomical income and as much as I'd LOVE a bigger house, God will provide the means to do so when it's time.
So I am leaping, slowly, but leaping. And holding on to the faith I have to understand that the decisions I make today will work themselves out in the future.
I am looking forward to seeing what 2010 brings and looking forward to a lot less stress....and I suppose fewer trips to Target :)
Saturday, November 14, 2009
A Celebration for Victor P
Today is Victor's 18th birthday! I haven't been around for the entirety of his 18 years but the seven that I have been around I wouldn't trade them in for anything. Well...maybe just a little less stress! But he's worth it. I can do it!
Hagie and I planned a surprise celebration for him at Dave and Busters. I sincerely think this was the first year of his life that anyone made a big deal about his birthday. Sad. Poor guy, knew he was in for something when I walked in his room this morning and told him that he had an hour to get ready and that he'd be riding blindfolded. His response: "You can't be serious!"
Waiting for him at D&B were the Cook's and the Chisolm's to celebrate him! Fun was had by all and Victor always enjoys spending time with his cousins, after many years of not getting to see them very regularly. Vic racked up on cash and gift cards and walked out of there a happy camper.
I salute Vic. He has had to endure a lot in his short life, none of it his fault and nothing a child should have to go through. Over the past couple of months I have been able to watch him set goals for himself, show his "big brother" skills, and enjoy being a part of a functioning family.
My prayer for Victor P during the next year is that he will fully understand that he is loved unconditionally, that he has a team of parents that will emotionally support him until the end and that it's OK to be him.
So Cheers (with a Sprite of course...Vic's favorite) to my most favorite step-son!
Hagie and I planned a surprise celebration for him at Dave and Busters. I sincerely think this was the first year of his life that anyone made a big deal about his birthday. Sad. Poor guy, knew he was in for something when I walked in his room this morning and told him that he had an hour to get ready and that he'd be riding blindfolded. His response: "You can't be serious!"
Waiting for him at D&B were the Cook's and the Chisolm's to celebrate him! Fun was had by all and Victor always enjoys spending time with his cousins, after many years of not getting to see them very regularly. Vic racked up on cash and gift cards and walked out of there a happy camper.
I salute Vic. He has had to endure a lot in his short life, none of it his fault and nothing a child should have to go through. Over the past couple of months I have been able to watch him set goals for himself, show his "big brother" skills, and enjoy being a part of a functioning family.
My prayer for Victor P during the next year is that he will fully understand that he is loved unconditionally, that he has a team of parents that will emotionally support him until the end and that it's OK to be him.
So Cheers (with a Sprite of course...Vic's favorite) to my most favorite step-son!
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
My Hurting Heart
Please excuse this post as it is likely to be somewhat depressing but I am "journaling" as if I would in my own private journal. My heart is heavy and I want to just allow my stream of consciousness to flow so that I may gain understanding and peace.
For many of you that read my posts, the name Page Walden won't ring a bell. For others, those of you who have known me many, many years, Page is the mother of Zack. Zack was my first love.
Many years ago, 17 to be exact, Page and Dan welcomed me into their home and family as if I was one of their own. I have so many fond memories of Page and Dan that include Dan cooking Sunday dinners, looking through the Sunday AJC with the family, going to movies and plays with Page without Zach and Dan,or tender moments with Dan as we discussed old cars and discussed our mutual worries about Zack. I was even a hostess at their daughter, Katy's wedding. Even after Zach and I called it quits off and on, I continued to enjoy a glass of chardonnay with Page when we could meet for dinner. The relationship I had with the Walden's is one that will never be repeated and is so hard to explain even through examples.
Page has always been such a tender, spunky spirit. Any time spent with Page is sure to be fun and exciting. Her love and empathy for others is amazing and she continues to touch so many through her volunteer work and cancer survivor support groups.
My heart is heavy as I sit here in tears. Page has battled cancer off and on since 1990. I met her in 1992. She is such a fighter and has beaten cancer in the past against odds. God has truly held her in his hand and I know that he continues to hold her. Tears flow as I have learned this week that they have found tumors on her brain. My heart aches as I pray for her as well as her amazing family. How difficult this must be for them. Page is currently at Emory Hospital while the doctors run more tests and develop a treatment strategy. I get to visit with her this week and I am so eager to hug her neck! And Dan's too!
I try and control my tears but they flow so I let them. I cry because it just doesn't seem fair. I cry because I continue to see the impact cancer makes on people I love and people that I work with in therapy. Cancer sucks! I cry because I worry about how Zack is dealing with his mom's illness. I cry because Dan is a strong christian man who has stood by his wife for so many years and how his own heart is broken at the thought and reality of Page having to undergo more treatment. I cry because in the past years when Page and I have been out of touch we shouldn't have been. I cry because cancer is real and it impacts families every day and unless we are one of them, we have no idea how it feels to be them. I can imagine though that it is terrifying, creates anger and sadness and leaves the family of someone battling cancer feeling absolutely helpless.
I close knowing that God is holding Page in the palm of his hand and that he will continue to be in control of her body...as he has been since 1990. I pray Page continues to fight and that her family feels a blanket of comfort that can only come from someone far greater than any of us.
For many of you that read my posts, the name Page Walden won't ring a bell. For others, those of you who have known me many, many years, Page is the mother of Zack. Zack was my first love.
Many years ago, 17 to be exact, Page and Dan welcomed me into their home and family as if I was one of their own. I have so many fond memories of Page and Dan that include Dan cooking Sunday dinners, looking through the Sunday AJC with the family, going to movies and plays with Page without Zach and Dan,or tender moments with Dan as we discussed old cars and discussed our mutual worries about Zack. I was even a hostess at their daughter, Katy's wedding. Even after Zach and I called it quits off and on, I continued to enjoy a glass of chardonnay with Page when we could meet for dinner. The relationship I had with the Walden's is one that will never be repeated and is so hard to explain even through examples.
Page has always been such a tender, spunky spirit. Any time spent with Page is sure to be fun and exciting. Her love and empathy for others is amazing and she continues to touch so many through her volunteer work and cancer survivor support groups.
My heart is heavy as I sit here in tears. Page has battled cancer off and on since 1990. I met her in 1992. She is such a fighter and has beaten cancer in the past against odds. God has truly held her in his hand and I know that he continues to hold her. Tears flow as I have learned this week that they have found tumors on her brain. My heart aches as I pray for her as well as her amazing family. How difficult this must be for them. Page is currently at Emory Hospital while the doctors run more tests and develop a treatment strategy. I get to visit with her this week and I am so eager to hug her neck! And Dan's too!
I try and control my tears but they flow so I let them. I cry because it just doesn't seem fair. I cry because I continue to see the impact cancer makes on people I love and people that I work with in therapy. Cancer sucks! I cry because I worry about how Zack is dealing with his mom's illness. I cry because Dan is a strong christian man who has stood by his wife for so many years and how his own heart is broken at the thought and reality of Page having to undergo more treatment. I cry because in the past years when Page and I have been out of touch we shouldn't have been. I cry because cancer is real and it impacts families every day and unless we are one of them, we have no idea how it feels to be them. I can imagine though that it is terrifying, creates anger and sadness and leaves the family of someone battling cancer feeling absolutely helpless.
I close knowing that God is holding Page in the palm of his hand and that he will continue to be in control of her body...as he has been since 1990. I pray Page continues to fight and that her family feels a blanket of comfort that can only come from someone far greater than any of us.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Pouting for Nothing....
I was just talking to Hagie about how I seldom get feedback from my "favorite" people on my blog and he says..."are you sure, I send something to you every time you post?" So I did some looking around on gmail and realized that some of you do offer feedback and I just wasn't getting it because your comments were going straight to my gmail email acct which I don't use. I only have the gmail account because I had to create it for the blog.
All that being said, I just read many comments made by my hubby, Amy and my aunt...and I have to say tears came to my eyes. For one, I felt bad because I immediately thought all of you must think I am ignoring your comments and secondly because I realized how much I value feedback from the people I love the most.
Interestingly, I was just reading a comment my favorite aunt made in relation to my post about Connor wanting me to "build him a baby." I became tearful. Tears came to my eyes because I know that I want another baby and tears because I know there are no circumstances in this world that would make me regret having another child. My aunt commented "you'll never regret having children, but you will regret waiting." Thank you Aunt Donna for giving me a reality check. I totally agree with you. Connor has added so much to my life and the lives of those that are lucky enough to know my little crew member. I cannot think about my life without him. And what I realized is that while I sit around and worry and try to plan for perfect timing I am reminded that there will never be a perfect time and the world goes on. So what in the heck am I doing??? I know without a doubt that I am meant to be a mother and my God continues to speak to me in ways that only whisper...Stacie look at the big picture...or as my father would say...Boo keep your eye on the prize. Stated simply, the big picture is that I do want another child, I do want Connor to have a younger brother or sister and I'd love for Vic to have the opportunity to be around to watch another younger sibling grow and look up to him.
All this being said, I am one step closer to surrendering to my "big picture" and accepting that if I continue to wait til the perfect time I will never move forward.
Thanks Hagie, Amy, Elantrice and Aunt Donna for your feedback. I love you all!
All that being said, I just read many comments made by my hubby, Amy and my aunt...and I have to say tears came to my eyes. For one, I felt bad because I immediately thought all of you must think I am ignoring your comments and secondly because I realized how much I value feedback from the people I love the most.
Interestingly, I was just reading a comment my favorite aunt made in relation to my post about Connor wanting me to "build him a baby." I became tearful. Tears came to my eyes because I know that I want another baby and tears because I know there are no circumstances in this world that would make me regret having another child. My aunt commented "you'll never regret having children, but you will regret waiting." Thank you Aunt Donna for giving me a reality check. I totally agree with you. Connor has added so much to my life and the lives of those that are lucky enough to know my little crew member. I cannot think about my life without him. And what I realized is that while I sit around and worry and try to plan for perfect timing I am reminded that there will never be a perfect time and the world goes on. So what in the heck am I doing??? I know without a doubt that I am meant to be a mother and my God continues to speak to me in ways that only whisper...Stacie look at the big picture...or as my father would say...Boo keep your eye on the prize. Stated simply, the big picture is that I do want another child, I do want Connor to have a younger brother or sister and I'd love for Vic to have the opportunity to be around to watch another younger sibling grow and look up to him.
All this being said, I am one step closer to surrendering to my "big picture" and accepting that if I continue to wait til the perfect time I will never move forward.
Thanks Hagie, Amy, Elantrice and Aunt Donna for your feedback. I love you all!
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Hooray for Small Group
I just joined a group of fabulous women for Bible study and fellowship (which often turns into five women sharing the stressors of our lives as it relates to what we are studying) on Monday nights and I love it! Hagie and I were members of a small group for couples but that doesn't work too well for us considering my other half isn't home during the week to participate. Soooo, I stepped outside of my comfort zone and joined a group of women that I didn't know, only knowing one of them and just barely at that, and its been great. I am really focusing on self care these days and deliberately trying to do things to enrich my life and keep me focused on the "big" picture. The "big" picture for me is my family, my spirituality, my friends and how to keep all crew members afloat during a stressful time at the Cook household, and continue to enjoy my job which I love!
My small group is studying the book "Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World" and boy does it hit home. Last night we reviewed a chapter dedicated to anxiety/fear vs. concerns. For those who know and love me definitely understand why while reading this I felt like the author was speaking directly to me. One of the exercises related to the reading encouraged us to recognize the difference between a worry (something we have no control over) and a concern (a legit worry that we can take steps to feel more comfortable about.) I admit, this was tough for me. I am a definite worrier, I'm convinced it is a "Chisolm" gene....handed straight down from my precious Memaw. Boy I miss her! Anyhew, here's my list of concerns and worries. I share them because I am still struggling with which ones belong in what column and I continuously struggle with giving up control...helllooooo anxiety!
Concerns: Need a bigger house within the City of Decatur preferably, my need and desire to return to part-time work, my husband's travel schedule and wondering when will it slow down a bit, and Connor's continued poor eating habits.
Worries: Having a second baby and the timing associated with this (and the space to put a little one), my high level of anxiety, being able to handle an additional crew member with a husband who is on the road more than he is home and the health of my family, both immediate and extended.
There are plenty more that could be added to this list but the above are the big ones for me. So I am practicing what we are learning in small group which is to do what I can about my concerns and hand over my worries...easier said than done...but I continue to be a work in progress. I am trying.
My small group is studying the book "Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World" and boy does it hit home. Last night we reviewed a chapter dedicated to anxiety/fear vs. concerns. For those who know and love me definitely understand why while reading this I felt like the author was speaking directly to me. One of the exercises related to the reading encouraged us to recognize the difference between a worry (something we have no control over) and a concern (a legit worry that we can take steps to feel more comfortable about.) I admit, this was tough for me. I am a definite worrier, I'm convinced it is a "Chisolm" gene....handed straight down from my precious Memaw. Boy I miss her! Anyhew, here's my list of concerns and worries. I share them because I am still struggling with which ones belong in what column and I continuously struggle with giving up control...helllooooo anxiety!
Concerns: Need a bigger house within the City of Decatur preferably, my need and desire to return to part-time work, my husband's travel schedule and wondering when will it slow down a bit, and Connor's continued poor eating habits.
Worries: Having a second baby and the timing associated with this (and the space to put a little one), my high level of anxiety, being able to handle an additional crew member with a husband who is on the road more than he is home and the health of my family, both immediate and extended.
There are plenty more that could be added to this list but the above are the big ones for me. So I am practicing what we are learning in small group which is to do what I can about my concerns and hand over my worries...easier said than done...but I continue to be a work in progress. I am trying.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Weight Loss Journey Update
Just a quick little update of my weight loss adventure. I have one more weigh in...on November 7th and I'll officially be a Weight Watchers Lifetime member. I am thrilled. I've lost 18 to 20 pounds and have been maintaining below my set goal weight...Wahoooo for me! I do have to say that having Vic in the home...thus buying way more junk food than I normally would...has made WW a little more challenging the past few weeks. The great news is that I think my body has leveled out and I am now much more aware of what and how much I can eat to maintain a healthy weight. Not to mention, I am enjoying buying the size 6's as opposed to the alternative so I am motivated to maintain!
I haven't been to the gym in about two months because of the various physical ailments but I am definitely looking forward to returning to the Y next week. I hope my muscles are ready to WORK. I have missed the energy and nice increase in serotonin that exercise gives me. I can't wait to get back to my routine and hopefully I can get Vic on board with a workout routine too.
Thanks to all my friends and family for their support along my journey!
I haven't been to the gym in about two months because of the various physical ailments but I am definitely looking forward to returning to the Y next week. I hope my muscles are ready to WORK. I have missed the energy and nice increase in serotonin that exercise gives me. I can't wait to get back to my routine and hopefully I can get Vic on board with a workout routine too.
Thanks to all my friends and family for their support along my journey!
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
MIA no more....
The past few weeks have been busy at the Cook household. Between a quick trip to Disney, stomach flu, bronchitis, walking pneumonia and a broken rib, I haven't had much time to write nor have I really felt like it. Not to mention, we are all still adjusting to having the newest crew member...Vic. Vic is such a delightful new addition but the experience definitely calls for a learning curve. I continue to learn everyday something new about parenting a teenage boy. Let's see....a few new things I have learned about "Victor P"
He can easily drink a 12 pack of Sprite in just a few days, grape soda runs a close second.
He moves about as quickly as his father in terms of getting out of the house to leave...NOT QUICKLY AT ALL...like father like son.
Potato chips, Poptarts, and cereal are among his faves and Butterfingers are his favorite candy bar....like stepmother like son :)
Teenage boys, well mine anyway, needs lots of reminders to take care of chores. I guess chores aren't high on his list of priorities when compared to friends, girls, etc.
Victor has turned out to be an amazing big brother. I like to watch him interact with Connor and my heart sings when Vic refers to Connor as "buddy." Vic even babysits every now and then and doesn't complain. Nice bonus.
So that's where we are at the Cook household. I am still recovering from the bout of bronchitis that I swear feels like it is lingering on and I am still dealing with some pain related to the broken rib. But life goes on and we continue to put one foot in front of the other.
Stay tuned for an update on my weight loss journey and a new women's group I am participating in each week.
He can easily drink a 12 pack of Sprite in just a few days, grape soda runs a close second.
He moves about as quickly as his father in terms of getting out of the house to leave...NOT QUICKLY AT ALL...like father like son.
Potato chips, Poptarts, and cereal are among his faves and Butterfingers are his favorite candy bar....like stepmother like son :)
Teenage boys, well mine anyway, needs lots of reminders to take care of chores. I guess chores aren't high on his list of priorities when compared to friends, girls, etc.
Victor has turned out to be an amazing big brother. I like to watch him interact with Connor and my heart sings when Vic refers to Connor as "buddy." Vic even babysits every now and then and doesn't complain. Nice bonus.
So that's where we are at the Cook household. I am still recovering from the bout of bronchitis that I swear feels like it is lingering on and I am still dealing with some pain related to the broken rib. But life goes on and we continue to put one foot in front of the other.
Stay tuned for an update on my weight loss journey and a new women's group I am participating in each week.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Down and Out...and trying not to be!
Well, I am on day four of feeling like crap and on like week 7 of not feeling like myself. Bronchitis that never went away, followed by a horrific case of stomach flu topped with walking pneumonia. Nice! I am not used to laying around, resting and just taking care of me. Afterall, I have a household to run, two boys to take care of, a husband to tend to and clients that truly need their time with me each week.
After talking to my girlfriend, Mrs. Toot-Toot, realization kicked in that, yes indeed, God is teaching me a lesson in self-care. It's so easy for me to teach my clients how to do this but not so easy for me to do myself. So I am working on it. Since Monday, I've been worried about the clients that I see each week, what their needs are, how easily can they be rescheduled, the money I am losing and what my colleagues must think about me being out.
I am slowly accepting that
1) It does not matter what my colleagues think!
2) God will provide financially and ensure that my family is OK despite the loss in income for the last two weeks
3) I cannot meet anyone's needs until I meet my own. For all you caretakers out there reading this.....this is always hard for us...its always others before ourselves.
So...I am trying to embrace this time period that God has given for my body to heal and am trying to let go of my worried thoughts about the little things that don't matter in the long run! I have a dear cousin that made that comment to me after she struggled with the possibility of thinking she may have had a recurrence with cancer. Now please understand, I am certainly not comparing my illness to a possible recurrence of cancer but the point is the same....the things we THINK matter in life really don't when God allows us to examine our lives and take stock of what really is important :) Thanks Caelyn for reminding me not so long ago of this lesson!
After talking to my girlfriend, Mrs. Toot-Toot, realization kicked in that, yes indeed, God is teaching me a lesson in self-care. It's so easy for me to teach my clients how to do this but not so easy for me to do myself. So I am working on it. Since Monday, I've been worried about the clients that I see each week, what their needs are, how easily can they be rescheduled, the money I am losing and what my colleagues must think about me being out.
I am slowly accepting that
1) It does not matter what my colleagues think!
2) God will provide financially and ensure that my family is OK despite the loss in income for the last two weeks
3) I cannot meet anyone's needs until I meet my own. For all you caretakers out there reading this.....this is always hard for us...its always others before ourselves.
So...I am trying to embrace this time period that God has given for my body to heal and am trying to let go of my worried thoughts about the little things that don't matter in the long run! I have a dear cousin that made that comment to me after she struggled with the possibility of thinking she may have had a recurrence with cancer. Now please understand, I am certainly not comparing my illness to a possible recurrence of cancer but the point is the same....the things we THINK matter in life really don't when God allows us to examine our lives and take stock of what really is important :) Thanks Caelyn for reminding me not so long ago of this lesson!
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
So Far...
So...We have had Vic since the weekend, won't be official until September 14th when we go to court. Hagie was home for the weekend and since then it's been me and the boys..transitioning, adjusting and doing the best we can. Victor is enrolled in Decatur High School. I have attended enrollment, attended registration and met with his counselor and gearing up to attend my first official "real" open house tomorrow night. I just wanted to quickly document some of the lessons I learned very quickly in terms of parenting seventeen year old boys:
1. No...they don't want you to walk with them through their new school to see the layout of their school and to see where their classes are.....this is an embarrassment to them!
2. On the list of importance these days at high school is the important question of "do you smoke?" and no we aren't talking about cigarettes. I was informed that this question is asked within the first few minutes of talking to other students. And if you answer no...you are looked at like you are a "nark."
3. Independence within limits is necessary....this is how teenagers grow and learn to make decisions on their own...hopefully good decisions.
4. Evidently, too many notebooks are overrated....one five subject spiral is sufficient until told otherwise.
5. Even as cool as I think I am...there really is no such thing as a "cool" parent in the mind of a seventeen year old.
6. Most important...they need all the love and support we can give them...because being a teenager is hard!
1. No...they don't want you to walk with them through their new school to see the layout of their school and to see where their classes are.....this is an embarrassment to them!
2. On the list of importance these days at high school is the important question of "do you smoke?" and no we aren't talking about cigarettes. I was informed that this question is asked within the first few minutes of talking to other students. And if you answer no...you are looked at like you are a "nark."
3. Independence within limits is necessary....this is how teenagers grow and learn to make decisions on their own...hopefully good decisions.
4. Evidently, too many notebooks are overrated....one five subject spiral is sufficient until told otherwise.
5. Even as cool as I think I am...there really is no such thing as a "cool" parent in the mind of a seventeen year old.
6. Most important...they need all the love and support we can give them...because being a teenager is hard!
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Overwhelming Love and Acceptance
Well, the ball is rolling and Hagie and I have started the steps towards getting custody of Victor. This is our second try together, and the first ended in major disappointment. My prayer is that this one works out in the best interest of Vic!
Today I have experienced so many emotions, most of all, anxiety and excitement. I remember the day I met Vic. He was about 9 or 10; shy, skinny like his daddy, a joy to be around and easy going. Not much has changed except now he comes with the demeanor of a seventeen year old male :). From day one, I accepted Vic as if he was my own. I know he has a mother but I am also very aware that his mother has not done right by him and he deserves better. The love I feel for this child that isn't biologically mine is overwhelming! And it's because of this love that I am able to maintain some level of sanity throughout the trials and tribulations regarding Vic. It's also this love that gives me such a feeling of excitement to FINALLY have him in our home.
Tonight I got to talk to Victor one on one. I loved every minute of it. Yes, it was an intense conversation about the difficult days to come involving court and school changes but it was also a conversation where I was able to provide this deserving child with unconditional love and security that all decisions are being made with a sincere attempt to meet his needs. Victor and I got to talk about trust and how he has often found it hard to trust either biological parent because of lies he was told by his maternal side of the family. The best part, Vic was able to verbalize that he has complete trust in me, "the second mom" as he refers to me, and I WILL NOT let him down!
I look forward to helping Vic get his room set up, I look forward to helping Vic navigate his way through a new school and making new friends, I look forward to being the "mom" at home when he gets home from school and most of all I look forward to offering this child security and love that he has not experienced in any other place. Did I mention that I look forward to having him in our home...praying that it is soon to be HIS home too!
I know God is in control and God has a plan for this family that includes Victor. I pray for peace and a decrease in anxiety as Hagie and I work together to make this upcoming transition (fingers crossed and praying) as easy as possible for Vic. I ask that you all pray for the same thing. I pray that Vic feels an overwhelming sense of unconditional love and acceptance and continues to talk openly with me about how he feels and what he needs.
Updates to come, hopefully, the ball keeps moving and we can have resolution to a situation that has been a long time in the making! Asking for prayers :)
Today I have experienced so many emotions, most of all, anxiety and excitement. I remember the day I met Vic. He was about 9 or 10; shy, skinny like his daddy, a joy to be around and easy going. Not much has changed except now he comes with the demeanor of a seventeen year old male :). From day one, I accepted Vic as if he was my own. I know he has a mother but I am also very aware that his mother has not done right by him and he deserves better. The love I feel for this child that isn't biologically mine is overwhelming! And it's because of this love that I am able to maintain some level of sanity throughout the trials and tribulations regarding Vic. It's also this love that gives me such a feeling of excitement to FINALLY have him in our home.
Tonight I got to talk to Victor one on one. I loved every minute of it. Yes, it was an intense conversation about the difficult days to come involving court and school changes but it was also a conversation where I was able to provide this deserving child with unconditional love and security that all decisions are being made with a sincere attempt to meet his needs. Victor and I got to talk about trust and how he has often found it hard to trust either biological parent because of lies he was told by his maternal side of the family. The best part, Vic was able to verbalize that he has complete trust in me, "the second mom" as he refers to me, and I WILL NOT let him down!
I look forward to helping Vic get his room set up, I look forward to helping Vic navigate his way through a new school and making new friends, I look forward to being the "mom" at home when he gets home from school and most of all I look forward to offering this child security and love that he has not experienced in any other place. Did I mention that I look forward to having him in our home...praying that it is soon to be HIS home too!
I know God is in control and God has a plan for this family that includes Victor. I pray for peace and a decrease in anxiety as Hagie and I work together to make this upcoming transition (fingers crossed and praying) as easy as possible for Vic. I ask that you all pray for the same thing. I pray that Vic feels an overwhelming sense of unconditional love and acceptance and continues to talk openly with me about how he feels and what he needs.
Updates to come, hopefully, the ball keeps moving and we can have resolution to a situation that has been a long time in the making! Asking for prayers :)
Friday, August 21, 2009
Early Morning Thoughts...3am
I'm starting this post about 3am on Friday, now whether or not I finish it before trying to go back to bed is another story.
So my last blog was about Connor's desire for a sibling and the beginning of my thoughts on having a second child. Life is hectic for the Cook's right now. Not to repeat but Hagie travels a lot, I am working full-time because I choose too, and I've discovered that parenting a preschooler is challenging, at best on good days.
Now..life has thrown a curve ball...one I welcome but a curve ball that comes with a different kind of stress. Victor, my stepson, is in a position where he NEEDS to live with us and has voiced that he would like to come live with us (we've been down this road before but it didn't work out how we had hoped). WOW...I love it! My other reaction is whoa....that means my life will change drastically. As I told Hagie today, I will willingly change my schedule and adjust my life so that Victor can have better. After all, isn't' that what moms do..even though I am not his biological mother, I sure feel like his mom in many ways and think of him as my own. Why will my life change? Well, Hagie will continue to travel which places me in the role of primary caretaker not only to an active preschooler but to a teenager who has a whole new set of needs. This does not scare me and care taking is what I love. HOWEVER, I love my job too. This is where all the internal conflict about having a second child comes into play along with the fact that I'd be single parenting it the majority of the week. Hagie...I'm not picking at you...just being real.
Here are my worries about all of this but I have made a decision to pray about it all and I know that it will all work out...God's way not always Stacie's way (boy that's a hard one for me sometimes)!
1. We DEFINITELY need a bigger house. I think we out grew it the day we moved in over five years ago.
2. To have Vic and a second child will definitely mean a reduction in my private practice...this is a big decision for me and one that I struggle with A LOT.
3. Currently, there is no real end in sight to a reduction in Hagie's travel schedule. Hagie I love you and KNOW that you work hard and do what you do to support us and make sure we are comfortable....I appreciate you for that!
So, as jumbled as that all my sound at 3 something in the morning, those are my thoughts. I'll keep writing about this ongoing topic; it definitely helps!
So my last blog was about Connor's desire for a sibling and the beginning of my thoughts on having a second child. Life is hectic for the Cook's right now. Not to repeat but Hagie travels a lot, I am working full-time because I choose too, and I've discovered that parenting a preschooler is challenging, at best on good days.
Now..life has thrown a curve ball...one I welcome but a curve ball that comes with a different kind of stress. Victor, my stepson, is in a position where he NEEDS to live with us and has voiced that he would like to come live with us (we've been down this road before but it didn't work out how we had hoped). WOW...I love it! My other reaction is whoa....that means my life will change drastically. As I told Hagie today, I will willingly change my schedule and adjust my life so that Victor can have better. After all, isn't' that what moms do..even though I am not his biological mother, I sure feel like his mom in many ways and think of him as my own. Why will my life change? Well, Hagie will continue to travel which places me in the role of primary caretaker not only to an active preschooler but to a teenager who has a whole new set of needs. This does not scare me and care taking is what I love. HOWEVER, I love my job too. This is where all the internal conflict about having a second child comes into play along with the fact that I'd be single parenting it the majority of the week. Hagie...I'm not picking at you...just being real.
Here are my worries about all of this but I have made a decision to pray about it all and I know that it will all work out...God's way not always Stacie's way (boy that's a hard one for me sometimes)!
1. We DEFINITELY need a bigger house. I think we out grew it the day we moved in over five years ago.
2. To have Vic and a second child will definitely mean a reduction in my private practice...this is a big decision for me and one that I struggle with A LOT.
3. Currently, there is no real end in sight to a reduction in Hagie's travel schedule. Hagie I love you and KNOW that you work hard and do what you do to support us and make sure we are comfortable....I appreciate you for that!
So, as jumbled as that all my sound at 3 something in the morning, those are my thoughts. I'll keep writing about this ongoing topic; it definitely helps!
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Today...Frustration!
As I sit and write this, Connor is screaming while he sits in time out. He sits in time out because he continues to poop in his underwear. He didn't poop because he does not know...he pooped because he REFUSES to poop in the potty. In fact, he'll ask for his underwear to be put back on him after sitting on the potty just so he can poop.
Today is not the day! So he is sitting in the corner, calling for "daddy" because I'm the bad guy. I hate that. These are the times I wish Hagie was home too. So for today, I am choosing to let him sit in time out, I took away his favorite car, and he'll be going to bed after he has a bath to get the poop washed up. Next on the list is to light the candles in the house to cover up the poop smell, a nice warm bath for myself, a glass of wine and an early bedtime.
Dear Lord,
Grant me the patience I feel I don't have,
Let my child know I love him even though I have to discipline him,
and give me the strength and tolerance I need to do it all over again tomorrow!
Today is not the day! So he is sitting in the corner, calling for "daddy" because I'm the bad guy. I hate that. These are the times I wish Hagie was home too. So for today, I am choosing to let him sit in time out, I took away his favorite car, and he'll be going to bed after he has a bath to get the poop washed up. Next on the list is to light the candles in the house to cover up the poop smell, a nice warm bath for myself, a glass of wine and an early bedtime.
Dear Lord,
Grant me the patience I feel I don't have,
Let my child know I love him even though I have to discipline him,
and give me the strength and tolerance I need to do it all over again tomorrow!
Thursday, August 13, 2009
"Build Me a Baby"
My favorite little guy was three in March and everyday he surprises me with what he says and his ability to carry on a conversation, which in my opinion, is obviously better than any other three year old out there...he's ahead of his time :) That being said, he is well aware that many of his friends have become brothers or sisters within the past two years.
For the past month, yep its taken me a month to write about it because it has taken me this long to begin to think about the possibility, Connor has consistently asked me to "build him a baby." I think once or twice he has said the same thing to his father but I seem to be the steady target. Maybe this is because somehow he knows I am the hesitant one. Hagie would have "built him a baby" two years ago.
When we talk about his desire for ME (he's not so far ahead of his time that he knows it takes two of us) to build him a baby, it is a very serious conversation. Connor knows exactly what he wants this baby to be...a boy and he would like the baby to have a green shirt.
Connor's consistency and sweet desire for a "baby" has left me with a lot to think about. Do I want another child...absolutely. Am I waiting for the "perfect" time....absolutely. Yea, yea, yea I know, there will never be a perfect time (which is what I've been told numerous times and my rational brain agrees). So, I'll be doing some thinking and praying about this and you can look for more blogs about my thought process related to this and all the emotions that go with it.
Feedback welcome :)
For the past month, yep its taken me a month to write about it because it has taken me this long to begin to think about the possibility, Connor has consistently asked me to "build him a baby." I think once or twice he has said the same thing to his father but I seem to be the steady target. Maybe this is because somehow he knows I am the hesitant one. Hagie would have "built him a baby" two years ago.
When we talk about his desire for ME (he's not so far ahead of his time that he knows it takes two of us) to build him a baby, it is a very serious conversation. Connor knows exactly what he wants this baby to be...a boy and he would like the baby to have a green shirt.
Connor's consistency and sweet desire for a "baby" has left me with a lot to think about. Do I want another child...absolutely. Am I waiting for the "perfect" time....absolutely. Yea, yea, yea I know, there will never be a perfect time (which is what I've been told numerous times and my rational brain agrees). So, I'll be doing some thinking and praying about this and you can look for more blogs about my thought process related to this and all the emotions that go with it.
Feedback welcome :)
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
The Power of Human Connection
Given the current state of our economy, I feel fortunate to have a job. But more than that, I feel extremely fortunate to have MY JOB. I LOVE my job. In addition to having the flexibility to set my own hours, take a day off when I want it, and have a work environment that is healthy and free of chaos (most of the time); I get to work with people. People in one of the most intimate of settings....a therapy session. People who are vulnerable, scared, depressed, anxious, and every other emotion you can imagine. And the best part is they invite me into the most intimate part of their lives....their thoughts and feelings. Some people that read this blog have been to therapy and some have not. For those of you have who never ventured into the office of a therapist, I'll be honest, it can be terrifying and relieving at the same time. Terrifying because you are likely their to deal with uncomfortable feelings and situations and relieving because you likely enter the office praying someone has a magic answer. Over the years, I have gotten better at not "taking my job home" and do a good job at giving my clients 100% each visit they have and then going home to my own family. However, yesterday I had a session with a client that I have seen now three times and every time I see him my heart literally feels like it is breaking in half. So much so that I feel the need to write about this individual, confidentially of course, so that you too may learn a lesson from him. I had the opportunity yesterday when bringing a close to his session to tell him that I learn just as much from him as I hope he does from me.
Withholding his name, this individual is a sixty year old man who lost his only daughter 13 years ago when his wife and daughter were in a car wreck, which happened to be the fault of the mother. Upon losing his daughter, my client lost all ability to manage his life and grief took over. He left his family which included three sons and his wife and became homeless. For years he lived under bridges and in homeless shelters and told me he made the decision to leave because he knew the pain in his eyes was more than his family could bear to see. During these years, he was often hospitalized for suicidal intent, his God just didn't think it was his time. While living on the streets, he was diagnosed with larynx cancer and had his voice box removed. He now feeds himself through a tube and uses a device to speak that makes sounds and words out of the vibrations in his throat. You are probably reading this wondering why in the world I am choosing to share this story. This man has strength that I believe is only provided by his Lord and Savior. He shares this same thought with me.
For homework, I asked him to bring in a picture of his deceased daughter and be prepared to tell me about her. So on yesterday, he brought in this beautiful picture of his daughter, taken on her first Christmas, and with shaking hands handed it to me. As we talked about his memories of her and how her death impacted him, he was also able to see how his inability to cope had "cheated" his three sons out of having a stable father figure in their lives for years. So there sat this 60 yr old man in full blown tears, telling me how ashamed he feels and how guilty he feels for leaving his family. Through his tears and his difficulty communicating, he was able to share with me that it is now his priority, regardless of how much longer he lives, to walk step by step with his sons and model for them that people CAN change. This is why I share this story. What an inspiration to me and his children. Despite this man's major challenges in life, he has been able to make tremendous changes in his life.....he is back home with his family and states that he has never felt more loved, attends therapy twice a month (all he can afford) to learn how to cope better and talk about his losses, he takes his medications regularly that help manage his depression and keep the suicidal thoughts at bay, and he is there for his sons whenever they need him.
He is learning self-forgiveness and I feel honored that he is allowing me to be a part of his journey. It is stories like this that remind me of why I do what I do and why I love it so much. This man trust me with his inner most feelings and feels safe enough to sit in my office and weep for the man he was and the man he wants to be. I admire his strength and am thankful when I am reminded that people can change and we all have inner strength that is there, we just have to utilize it!
Withholding his name, this individual is a sixty year old man who lost his only daughter 13 years ago when his wife and daughter were in a car wreck, which happened to be the fault of the mother. Upon losing his daughter, my client lost all ability to manage his life and grief took over. He left his family which included three sons and his wife and became homeless. For years he lived under bridges and in homeless shelters and told me he made the decision to leave because he knew the pain in his eyes was more than his family could bear to see. During these years, he was often hospitalized for suicidal intent, his God just didn't think it was his time. While living on the streets, he was diagnosed with larynx cancer and had his voice box removed. He now feeds himself through a tube and uses a device to speak that makes sounds and words out of the vibrations in his throat. You are probably reading this wondering why in the world I am choosing to share this story. This man has strength that I believe is only provided by his Lord and Savior. He shares this same thought with me.
For homework, I asked him to bring in a picture of his deceased daughter and be prepared to tell me about her. So on yesterday, he brought in this beautiful picture of his daughter, taken on her first Christmas, and with shaking hands handed it to me. As we talked about his memories of her and how her death impacted him, he was also able to see how his inability to cope had "cheated" his three sons out of having a stable father figure in their lives for years. So there sat this 60 yr old man in full blown tears, telling me how ashamed he feels and how guilty he feels for leaving his family. Through his tears and his difficulty communicating, he was able to share with me that it is now his priority, regardless of how much longer he lives, to walk step by step with his sons and model for them that people CAN change. This is why I share this story. What an inspiration to me and his children. Despite this man's major challenges in life, he has been able to make tremendous changes in his life.....he is back home with his family and states that he has never felt more loved, attends therapy twice a month (all he can afford) to learn how to cope better and talk about his losses, he takes his medications regularly that help manage his depression and keep the suicidal thoughts at bay, and he is there for his sons whenever they need him.
He is learning self-forgiveness and I feel honored that he is allowing me to be a part of his journey. It is stories like this that remind me of why I do what I do and why I love it so much. This man trust me with his inner most feelings and feels safe enough to sit in my office and weep for the man he was and the man he wants to be. I admire his strength and am thankful when I am reminded that people can change and we all have inner strength that is there, we just have to utilize it!
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Unseen Moments
I am sure that every mother can relate to this and this was an experience I had last night that I just couldn't not share.
Each day with Connor brings new memories and new challenges and my love for him grows more and more each day. It's amazing. The day he was born I thought "I didn't know I was capable of loving someone so much." This loves grows beyond anything describable every day!
Connor and I spend a lot of time together and I wouldn't trade it for anything...well...maybe a weekend at the spa :) ! Last night Connor and I had a moment that made my heart feel so warm and those that love me and Connor should be able to share in this little moment....this is why I blog.
Yesterday was a rough day...emotionally. So by 8pm I was ready for Connor to go to bed and I was going with him. This tends to be more our routine these days. So we laid down in his comfy big boy bed and did our usual hugs and kisses and I turned over to rest so he'd go to sleep. About five minutes later, he says "mommy look at me," so of course I obliged. He snuggled up right to my face and noticed that I had a tear coming down my cheek (like I said, yesterday was a hard day). My little sidekick wiped my tear and said "mommy don't be sad, we'll hold hands." So he grabbed my hand, held it tight and proceeded to drift off to dreamland. Luckily he fell asleep quickly because of course after that interaction the tears flowed like Niagara Falls. What a precious, precious child that God has made and the best part is that God is allowing me and Hagie to raise him! I hope I never forget what it felt like to hold his little hand and drift off to sleep.
Each day with Connor brings new memories and new challenges and my love for him grows more and more each day. It's amazing. The day he was born I thought "I didn't know I was capable of loving someone so much." This loves grows beyond anything describable every day!
Connor and I spend a lot of time together and I wouldn't trade it for anything...well...maybe a weekend at the spa :) ! Last night Connor and I had a moment that made my heart feel so warm and those that love me and Connor should be able to share in this little moment....this is why I blog.
Yesterday was a rough day...emotionally. So by 8pm I was ready for Connor to go to bed and I was going with him. This tends to be more our routine these days. So we laid down in his comfy big boy bed and did our usual hugs and kisses and I turned over to rest so he'd go to sleep. About five minutes later, he says "mommy look at me," so of course I obliged. He snuggled up right to my face and noticed that I had a tear coming down my cheek (like I said, yesterday was a hard day). My little sidekick wiped my tear and said "mommy don't be sad, we'll hold hands." So he grabbed my hand, held it tight and proceeded to drift off to dreamland. Luckily he fell asleep quickly because of course after that interaction the tears flowed like Niagara Falls. What a precious, precious child that God has made and the best part is that God is allowing me and Hagie to raise him! I hope I never forget what it felt like to hold his little hand and drift off to sleep.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Surprise!
So, I have to say....I was able to pull off a surprise party for Hagie's 40th birthday! This surprises me as much as it does the people that know me. I am definitely not the most organized person in the world; I tend to wait to the last minute to do,well, most things, and working full time and being a mommy hasn't exactly left me with much spare time.
Hagie is an amazing person! He hasn't had many "real" birthday parties in his 40 years so I was glad to show him just how much I love him as well as how much he is loved by so many others. I tell ya....I have NEVER meant anyone, friends, business associates, old classmates, family etc that don't just adore Jahaziel Elijah Cook (aka Hagie)!
It was nice to see Hagie be the center of attention and soak up all the warm fuzzies he could for one night. We enjoyed catered barbecue, awesome company, great music from our fave DJ James, kegs o beer, great cocktails and best of all....a Superman cake (this was probably Hagie's favorite part).
I don't always do the best at showing Hagie just how much he is loved and appreciated EVERY day so this party was my way of saying "hey babes, you are loved beyond measure and treasured for the person you are."
Cheers to Hagie....my now "over the hill" hubby who always puts me and Connor first!
Hagie is an amazing person! He hasn't had many "real" birthday parties in his 40 years so I was glad to show him just how much I love him as well as how much he is loved by so many others. I tell ya....I have NEVER meant anyone, friends, business associates, old classmates, family etc that don't just adore Jahaziel Elijah Cook (aka Hagie)!
It was nice to see Hagie be the center of attention and soak up all the warm fuzzies he could for one night. We enjoyed catered barbecue, awesome company, great music from our fave DJ James, kegs o beer, great cocktails and best of all....a Superman cake (this was probably Hagie's favorite part).
I don't always do the best at showing Hagie just how much he is loved and appreciated EVERY day so this party was my way of saying "hey babes, you are loved beyond measure and treasured for the person you are."
Cheers to Hagie....my now "over the hill" hubby who always puts me and Connor first!
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Challenged!
Well, just a little update on my little sidekick Connor. We have officially started potty training...wow....it takes every ounce of patience I can muster up. If you know me at all, I have very little patience but fortunately for Connor, I am most patient with him. With the exception of Connor's eating habits, potty training has definitely been the most challenging parenting task thus far. Establishing routine, working full-time and balancing my mommy act, finding play time, and getting Connor to bed all seem like a cake-walk compared to potty training. WE WILL SURVIVE!
I told Connor over the weekend that the stores (Target being his favorite) no longer sell pull-ups and it was time for him to be a big boy and wear undies. So Connor picked out Spiderman, Cars, Diego and baseball underoos.....he was excited to pick out his underwear...not so excited to go to the potty every thirty minutes. He has done well.....no accidents at his sitter's house the past two days and only one "bad" one at the YMCA today. I cannot complain; my baby is making progress!
I have to thank Hagie for exhibiting more patience during this process and for being so nurturing to Connor while we work on this potty stuff. Although Hagie is only here on the weekends, the time he is here, he never stops showing his love to Connor in the most gentle, kind ways. Connor is a lucky fella!
I told Connor over the weekend that the stores (Target being his favorite) no longer sell pull-ups and it was time for him to be a big boy and wear undies. So Connor picked out Spiderman, Cars, Diego and baseball underoos.....he was excited to pick out his underwear...not so excited to go to the potty every thirty minutes. He has done well.....no accidents at his sitter's house the past two days and only one "bad" one at the YMCA today. I cannot complain; my baby is making progress!
I have to thank Hagie for exhibiting more patience during this process and for being so nurturing to Connor while we work on this potty stuff. Although Hagie is only here on the weekends, the time he is here, he never stops showing his love to Connor in the most gentle, kind ways. Connor is a lucky fella!
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Girls Weekend
I just got back from a weekend away .....just me and a great girlfriend. Elantrice first introduced me to "Disney for Adults" about a year and half ago. At first I thought she was crazy. Sure I went to Disney as a kid and of course that was fun...but in my thirties....come on!
Since my first introduction to "Disney for Adults," I've been four times. Crazy! I love it. The first time I took Connor he was 18 months. He loved it and I loved it just as much as he did. Since then Connor has gone back and so have I.
This weekend was sans child. Elantrice and I had fun doing things on our own schedule, eating when and what we wanted and relaxing as we saw fit. We acted silly, people watched, bought too many pins (I'm now an official collector) and rode the rides, "Bumbo," being one of our favorites...Connor would be really upset with us. Elantrice was patient enough to "allow" me to hang out in Epcot France long enough to enjoy a couple Grey Goose Citron slushies....those slushies are worth the cost of my NEW Disney Annual Pass. And of course, Connor has an Annual Pass too.
Sure I missed the men in my life but Hagie and Connor managed without me....although I think I was missed. It was nice to escape for some girl time and Elantrice and I had a blast like we always do. I look forward to going back to visit Pluto and gang...next time Connor and Hagie are invited :)
Since my first introduction to "Disney for Adults," I've been four times. Crazy! I love it. The first time I took Connor he was 18 months. He loved it and I loved it just as much as he did. Since then Connor has gone back and so have I.
This weekend was sans child. Elantrice and I had fun doing things on our own schedule, eating when and what we wanted and relaxing as we saw fit. We acted silly, people watched, bought too many pins (I'm now an official collector) and rode the rides, "Bumbo," being one of our favorites...Connor would be really upset with us. Elantrice was patient enough to "allow" me to hang out in Epcot France long enough to enjoy a couple Grey Goose Citron slushies....those slushies are worth the cost of my NEW Disney Annual Pass. And of course, Connor has an Annual Pass too.
Sure I missed the men in my life but Hagie and Connor managed without me....although I think I was missed. It was nice to escape for some girl time and Elantrice and I had a blast like we always do. I look forward to going back to visit Pluto and gang...next time Connor and Hagie are invited :)
Friday, June 19, 2009
A Desperate Plea
I write because this is my outlet. I am angry, frustrated, scared and sad. Connor continues to have major feeding problems. It does not seem to get any better. It feels like Hagie and I have failed in some way. Tonight we took Connor to the Decatur Beach Festival, was fun and frustrating all in one. I sat and watched other children eat corndogs, ice cream, chicken strips, snow cones etc and literally pray for the day that my child will eat any of it. Connor has stopped eating even his usuals. This is scary for me. He's a little guy with not much weight to gamble with. He's gotten cranky and I watch his little body and know that it must want food. Why won't my precious child eat? And why do I feel like I have no control? I guess I don't.
I get so tired of people telling me "its ok, he'll eat when he wants to," this really isn't comforting to me. I hear his stomach growl and watch him refuse ALL types of foods. I pray desperately for the day I can take Connor to McDonald's and he'll actually be excited to get a Happy Meal!
I worry and think about worse case scenarios. Will my child end up with a feeding tube, will we need to literally take out a loan to pay for some type of specialized treatment for children who don't eat? Will his little body continue to grow and will his brain continue to absorb all the things that it should be if its not getting the proper nutrition? It all seems negative I know but when I sit day after day, night after night and watch my child refuse food I don't know what else to think.
I sit in tears as my little guy is asleep in his bed. I pray for him. I pray for me and Hagie. I pray for the day that I wont have to worry about what he eats or how much. I pray for the day I can take my child on fun outings and not worry about what he is going to eat while we are there.
Desperately praying and thinking of my favorite little guy.......
I get so tired of people telling me "its ok, he'll eat when he wants to," this really isn't comforting to me. I hear his stomach growl and watch him refuse ALL types of foods. I pray desperately for the day I can take Connor to McDonald's and he'll actually be excited to get a Happy Meal!
I worry and think about worse case scenarios. Will my child end up with a feeding tube, will we need to literally take out a loan to pay for some type of specialized treatment for children who don't eat? Will his little body continue to grow and will his brain continue to absorb all the things that it should be if its not getting the proper nutrition? It all seems negative I know but when I sit day after day, night after night and watch my child refuse food I don't know what else to think.
I sit in tears as my little guy is asleep in his bed. I pray for him. I pray for me and Hagie. I pray for the day that I wont have to worry about what he eats or how much. I pray for the day I can take my child on fun outings and not worry about what he is going to eat while we are there.
Desperately praying and thinking of my favorite little guy.......
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Still Working It
Nope, I haven't disappeared. I've increased my days at work which means less time for ME. That's OK. Life is often about sacrifice and I'm there. Connor is doing well, he amazes me every day with something that he says or does. I'm proud to say he sings his ABCs, loves to count, knows all his colors (even the ones that aren't so common) and is finally becoming interesting in potty training. He's playing soccer (when he cooperates and actually gets on the field) and goes to swimming two days a week at the YMCA. My boy loves the pool! This he did get from me and not his daddy.
Since my ME time is limited, the one thing I have refused to stop is my workout routine and my diet. I am proud to report that I've now lost 15 pounds and fitting into size 6 pants! WAHOOOOO! I haven't been this small in about 6 years. In order for me to get my workout time each week, Connor and I go to the YMCA every day after work, he plays and I work it. I have another motive which is that by the time we get home, Connor is pretty close to pooped which means bedtime comes quicker and faster.
Closing this entry with the commitment to be more consistent with my entries...after all, it gives you a little insight into "my world."
Since my ME time is limited, the one thing I have refused to stop is my workout routine and my diet. I am proud to report that I've now lost 15 pounds and fitting into size 6 pants! WAHOOOOO! I haven't been this small in about 6 years. In order for me to get my workout time each week, Connor and I go to the YMCA every day after work, he plays and I work it. I have another motive which is that by the time we get home, Connor is pretty close to pooped which means bedtime comes quicker and faster.
Closing this entry with the commitment to be more consistent with my entries...after all, it gives you a little insight into "my world."
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Cheers to My Groom
I've always known that God truly blessed me with a loving husband! Lately, I feel that God continues to remind me that I am fortunate to have a husband who puts his family first. I am learning to pay more attention to the little things and to be grateful on a daily basis for what God has given me. I am also reminded every day that marriage is a learning process and that every day I learn something new about marriage and the ongoing work it takes.
I have also come to realize that I don't tell my hubby enough just how much I love him or how much I appreciate everything he does. My sweet hubby sent beautiful flowers on Valentine's and attached was a card that read "I do it all for you." Wow....and he really does. Traveling five days a week is not easy for him. Driving, most weeks, at least 18 hours on the road, isn't easy. Being away from our child isn't easy. When he wrote out his V'day card, he probably didn't realize the impact it would have on me...but it has had a tremendous impact and I get it. He works hard every day, away from his family, so that we can live a comfortable life. What a sacrifice he makes every week!
So, Hag, this blog is for you! I love you and appreciate every little thing you do, even when I don't show it. The days on the weekends when you hang pictures perfectly on the wall to please me, hang curtains only for me to say that "they aren't quite right," or when you take me to dinner because you know I've been couped up the majority of the week even when you are dog tired....for all this and much more I am so grateful and thankful!
I raise my glass to you...my partner in life, my hubby, and the best daddy in the whole world. Thanks for being you and thanks for "doing it all" for us!
I have also come to realize that I don't tell my hubby enough just how much I love him or how much I appreciate everything he does. My sweet hubby sent beautiful flowers on Valentine's and attached was a card that read "I do it all for you." Wow....and he really does. Traveling five days a week is not easy for him. Driving, most weeks, at least 18 hours on the road, isn't easy. Being away from our child isn't easy. When he wrote out his V'day card, he probably didn't realize the impact it would have on me...but it has had a tremendous impact and I get it. He works hard every day, away from his family, so that we can live a comfortable life. What a sacrifice he makes every week!
So, Hag, this blog is for you! I love you and appreciate every little thing you do, even when I don't show it. The days on the weekends when you hang pictures perfectly on the wall to please me, hang curtains only for me to say that "they aren't quite right," or when you take me to dinner because you know I've been couped up the majority of the week even when you are dog tired....for all this and much more I am so grateful and thankful!
I raise my glass to you...my partner in life, my hubby, and the best daddy in the whole world. Thanks for being you and thanks for "doing it all" for us!
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Feeling Challenged
Today has been rough. However, today I am feeling hopeful and have decided that all I can do is do my best to be the best mommy possible and pray that God offers me guidance and perseverance as I try to encourage Connor to eat.
My dad, PawPaw, spent the morning with us. What a welcome relief. I love having my dad around, he offers sound parenting advice without being pushy (Nana is good at this too). His love for Connor and myself shows in his eyes and his gentle ways....I can only hope that Connor turns out to be just like him! Soooo, with PawPaw's encouragement and support, I stood my ground with Connor. After about 45 minutes of crying and screaming, Connor finally decided that he'd have a few bites of applesauce and pudding. Doesn't sound like much, and it isn't, but I have come to realize that with Connor, baby steps are really important.
After PawPaw left, Connor and I met a friend for lunch and much to my surprise, Connor ate some steak fries at the Brick Store, a good amount of them, and followed directions fairly easily. Chocolate was his reward. In addition, he received lots of praise and knows that mommy was very proud of him.
The day got better when for dinner, Connor went to the freezer and pulled out a "Kids Cuisine." He has never eaten these but he pulled one out and was intrigued by the animals on the front of the box. So I did what any encouraging mommy would do and told him that it was what the animals eat in the jungle (Connor loves jungle animals). Much to my surprise, Connor actually ate three to four bites of the chicken nuggets and a bite of the macaroni and cheese. Wow....was I pumped! He received lots of praise and was again rewarded. Although he didn't eat a lot, he at least put a new food in his mouth and didn't spit it out...this is progress! So tonight I will go to sleep with some relief, trying to understand that some things are out of my control and that I do have a God that I can pray to for support and comfort. Connor will be okay and so will mommy!
My dad, PawPaw, spent the morning with us. What a welcome relief. I love having my dad around, he offers sound parenting advice without being pushy (Nana is good at this too). His love for Connor and myself shows in his eyes and his gentle ways....I can only hope that Connor turns out to be just like him! Soooo, with PawPaw's encouragement and support, I stood my ground with Connor. After about 45 minutes of crying and screaming, Connor finally decided that he'd have a few bites of applesauce and pudding. Doesn't sound like much, and it isn't, but I have come to realize that with Connor, baby steps are really important.
After PawPaw left, Connor and I met a friend for lunch and much to my surprise, Connor ate some steak fries at the Brick Store, a good amount of them, and followed directions fairly easily. Chocolate was his reward. In addition, he received lots of praise and knows that mommy was very proud of him.
The day got better when for dinner, Connor went to the freezer and pulled out a "Kids Cuisine." He has never eaten these but he pulled one out and was intrigued by the animals on the front of the box. So I did what any encouraging mommy would do and told him that it was what the animals eat in the jungle (Connor loves jungle animals). Much to my surprise, Connor actually ate three to four bites of the chicken nuggets and a bite of the macaroni and cheese. Wow....was I pumped! He received lots of praise and was again rewarded. Although he didn't eat a lot, he at least put a new food in his mouth and didn't spit it out...this is progress! So tonight I will go to sleep with some relief, trying to understand that some things are out of my control and that I do have a God that I can pray to for support and comfort. Connor will be okay and so will mommy!
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
O'Child of Mine
I have to vent, after all that is part of why I started this blog. It is absolutely maddening to me to watch my child NOT eat. Most of you know that Connor's eating habits have been a struggle since he began eating solids. It has not gotten any better. For a little while, we took him to the Marcus Institute where they worked with him on what they call "Pediatric Food Selectivity." Regardless of what it is called, my child doesn't eat much at all. We had made progress going to the Institute but our insurance changed and financially we just could not pay the absolutely astronomical fee for hour long visits. So......here we are three months later and Connor has regressed and now won't eat his favorites (Red Baron pizza, waffles, yogurt, Teddy Grahams).
I long for the day that I can actually pass a McDonald's and my child ask for a Happy Meal. I long for the day that I can fix a normal dinner, make him a plate and have him eat without any problems. Connor REFUSES to try new foods. He's tired of the old ones and wont give anything new a chance. I worry about his nutritional intake. He gags on liquid vitamins and so giving him vitamins is a whole other blog!
I often watch my child struggle to find something to eat and wonder if I am being punished??? Have I really done something so bad that I have a child that refuses to eat??? What am I supposed to do to get him to eat???? Not having $300 a week for an hour long session seems to have cut our options short. I'm over it. I've cried and paced the floor so many times watching my child turn down "normal" toddler foods to where I no longer know what to do. Some parents have told me "let him go without, he eventually eat." Well....I've tried this....it didn't work....Connor held out!
Soooo...not having any answers.....all I know to do is rely on faith and believe that my child will eventually have a change in opinion regarding food. This is extremely hard to do when I know he isn't eating enough or even anything nutritional for his body. So tonight I go to bed extremely frustrated and over it! Why won't my child just eat???
I long for the day that I can actually pass a McDonald's and my child ask for a Happy Meal. I long for the day that I can fix a normal dinner, make him a plate and have him eat without any problems. Connor REFUSES to try new foods. He's tired of the old ones and wont give anything new a chance. I worry about his nutritional intake. He gags on liquid vitamins and so giving him vitamins is a whole other blog!
I often watch my child struggle to find something to eat and wonder if I am being punished??? Have I really done something so bad that I have a child that refuses to eat??? What am I supposed to do to get him to eat???? Not having $300 a week for an hour long session seems to have cut our options short. I'm over it. I've cried and paced the floor so many times watching my child turn down "normal" toddler foods to where I no longer know what to do. Some parents have told me "let him go without, he eventually eat." Well....I've tried this....it didn't work....Connor held out!
Soooo...not having any answers.....all I know to do is rely on faith and believe that my child will eventually have a change in opinion regarding food. This is extremely hard to do when I know he isn't eating enough or even anything nutritional for his body. So tonight I go to bed extremely frustrated and over it! Why won't my child just eat???
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Life is Precious
This week the young wife of one of Hagie's supervisees died. Her loving husband, only 26 years of age, by her side and left to make the decision whether or not to have the medical equipment disconnected. He had it disconnected and she died just a few short minutes later. This has been heavy on my mind all week.
Though I didn't know this young lady her death has impacted me. Her young death is such a reminder that every day is precious and should be lived to the fullest. I think about her young widowed husband who know has to figure out how to go on with his life without his "bride."
We don't always understand death or the reasons why God calls people home but we can learn valuable lessons throughout our own lives as we are touched by the cycle of life. This week I have been reminded of lessons I have learned throughout my own life:
Though I didn't know this young lady her death has impacted me. Her young death is such a reminder that every day is precious and should be lived to the fullest. I think about her young widowed husband who know has to figure out how to go on with his life without his "bride."
We don't always understand death or the reasons why God calls people home but we can learn valuable lessons throughout our own lives as we are touched by the cycle of life. This week I have been reminded of lessons I have learned throughout my own life:
- Tell those you love that you love them everyday.
- Treasure moments together because you never know when they will be your last.
- Make an effort to make those you love feel special every opportunity you get.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Renovation Update
Just a quick update about the progress of our home renovations! Thanks to many long, stressful hours for Hagie and a team of about three men, my house is 90% done!!!! Those of you that talk to me regularly know that this process has challenged my anxiety, tolerance, and ability to let go of that which I cannot COMPLETELY control. Wheewwww....that's hard!
All we have left are some minor paint touch-ups, a major cleaning job (will definitely being contacting the cleaning service) and painting the outside of the house. It has been a long process but well worth it! The new crown and base boards look great, the color tones on the house just work and my new dining room is lovely....now all I need is a new table. One thing at a time Stac!
I have not been the easiest person to deal with during this because, as most of you know, lack of order increases my anxiety just a tad ;) So I find it necessary to publicly apologize to my hubby for dealing with me on my grouchy days and thank my girlfriends for letting me vent about the process.
I love you Hagie for putting in the time, energy and money to make our home even more "homey."
Now....onward to the decorating :)
All we have left are some minor paint touch-ups, a major cleaning job (will definitely being contacting the cleaning service) and painting the outside of the house. It has been a long process but well worth it! The new crown and base boards look great, the color tones on the house just work and my new dining room is lovely....now all I need is a new table. One thing at a time Stac!
I have not been the easiest person to deal with during this because, as most of you know, lack of order increases my anxiety just a tad ;) So I find it necessary to publicly apologize to my hubby for dealing with me on my grouchy days and thank my girlfriends for letting me vent about the process.
I love you Hagie for putting in the time, energy and money to make our home even more "homey."
Now....onward to the decorating :)
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Feeling Good
Most of you that are reading this know that I joined Weight Watchers the week of Thanksgiving. Well...I am hanging in there. It's actually not bad on most days. My body has gotten used to smaller portions and a lot less junk food. Although I have to admit that there are days that I definitely crave some good fast food or something sweet (and not a 1pt chocolate bar from WW).
I have added exercise to my daily routine! I love it. Before breaking my ankle in 2007, I exercised regularly and really enjoyed it. But once I broke my ankle, I got out of routine and it took way too long to get moving again. I love the way I feel after a good walk or a good cardio/sculpting routine. I feel energized and am a lot less tired. Exercise is great stress relief for me and I am starting to see the results. I love that now I feel guilty if I don't exercise every day. Not to mention, Chloe and Connor enjoy our walks :)
Thanks to those of you that offer me support each and every day! It's working!!
I have added exercise to my daily routine! I love it. Before breaking my ankle in 2007, I exercised regularly and really enjoyed it. But once I broke my ankle, I got out of routine and it took way too long to get moving again. I love the way I feel after a good walk or a good cardio/sculpting routine. I feel energized and am a lot less tired. Exercise is great stress relief for me and I am starting to see the results. I love that now I feel guilty if I don't exercise every day. Not to mention, Chloe and Connor enjoy our walks :)
Thanks to those of you that offer me support each and every day! It's working!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
