Christmas Mommy

Christmas is almost here! Christmas is definitely my favorite time of year. I love the hustle and bustle, spending time with family, wrapping gifts that have been picked out with much thought, and decorating our home. OH...I almost forgot to mention the yummy food and treats! This year Christmas has special meaning because its the first year that Connor actually has somewhat of a clue as to what happens on Christmas. For most, Christmas is a time to celebrate the birthday of Christ. Connor hasn't quite grasped that concept yet though we have been reading "The Christmas Story" that Nana bought him his first Christmas. Instead, he is most excited about all of the Christmas lights and he specifically points out each and every snowman, Santa and reindeer we pass on our daily routes. I love this....he'll say "Look Mommy, its Christmas mommy Christmas!" Words cannot describe how utterly cute his little voice sounds when he says Christmas in his own lil way. It melts my heart. He'll often say "Mommy...Santa brings presents Mommy!"

I look forward to waking up on Christmas day to see his precious little face when he sees that Santa did visit him and leave him some goodies. He'll be thrilled to see that Santa is well aware that chocolate is his most favorite thing! That's my boy!

Cluttered but Happy....

I am sitting on the couch looking at the absolute mess in my house and dreaming of the day renovations are complete and my house can be neat and orderly! Hubby and I live in a three bedroom one bath house that we outgrew the day we moved in. That's okay...its our little abode! And right now...its unorganized and messy and desperately calling out for a good cleaning! We began work on our house about two months ago...new roof, yard detailing, new crown molding and trim and new interior paint. My poor husband was working out of town during the week and then coming home on the weekends to do more work! I appreciate him for that more than he knows. Thankfully, we have recently had the opportunity to have "workers" come to the house to do the renovations instead of Hag having to do them himself....what a difference it makes! Now he gets to come home on the weekends and not necessarily have to work equally as hard as he does when he is out of town. I am rambling about this because I have definitely realized that clutter and disorganziation adds to my anxiety and makes me extremely irritable. I have the desire to have a clean and organized home that is always ready for company. Lately, it's been so unorganized because of the renovations that I look at the house and feel completely overwhelmed with where to start the clean up and organization. Not to mention that having a little guy in the house doesn't help...don't worry I am not ready to turn him...I think I'll keep him :) So I write this entry with hopes and dreams of a super organized, clean house with all the latest in interior design and maybe even warm cookies coming out of the oven just in case we have company. And well, if we don't have company, I'll take care of the cookies!

Thoughts on Food

Okay...so I have joined Weight Watchers again! Every time I try to diet it forces me to think about my relationship with food..yep that's right...I have an intimate relationship with food. Not just any food but fattening and sugary foods. Pre Weight Watchers, there was nothing like a juicy hamburger from Five Guys, a slice of cheesecake from Cheesecake Factory or a number 1 meal from Chick-fil-a. Let me not forget the sweets that always call my name such as chocolate-peanut butter ice cream, cinnamon rolls, candy and anything chocolate I can get my hands on!

Yes, I enjoy food but even more so I think eating is something I do when bored or anxious, it makes me feel better. It's hard to admit but food often does for me what alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, and other unhealthy vices do for others....it is satisfying for the moment but afterwards I end up angry that I couldn't stop at one cookie...why did I need 3 cookies???

And so my weight loss journey has begun. I am excited. I love the way I feel when I lose weight..I love wearing the skinnier clothes and not worrying about whether or not my stomach and thighs looks too big.

Stay tuned...hopefully I'll be able to report progress in the upcoming weeks!

Random Thoughts of Thanksgiving

For those of you that will read this, Thanksgiving is filled with more food than we can eat, comfy sofas to lounge on after we eat too much and family and friends surround us most of the day. Today, though my thoughts are on the things I am most thankful for (keep reading for this), I also keep thinking about those people in our society that don't have Thanksgiving to look forward to nor do they feel they have a list of things to be thankful for. This bothers me. I think of the homeless that will stand in line with strangers, hoping to get a warm meal before the turkey runs out. I think about the poverty stricken single-parent households in which many mothers will choose to use the majority of their month's food stamps to put a complete Thanksgiving meal on the table for her children. I think about the children growing up in our area's homeless shelters that have questions for their parents on why they live in a shelter and not in an apartment or house like the other kids at school. I think about a select group of my clients that do not have family in the area and will spend Thanksgiving home alone as their depression sinks to depths in which it no longer seems manageable. All of these thoughts went in and out of my head today as I watched my own family make multiple "to-go" plates because there was so much food leftover. I don't bring up these thoughts to bring you down. I only want to acknowledge my thoughts in regards to the less fortunate because they are human...just like us. I know that it's not my job or yours to "fix" our society or bring happiness to all. But I do think as God's children we should have hearts that are empathetic towards the less fortunate. I pray for this group of people, they have feelings and circumstances that most of us will never have to experience.

On a happier note, I am thankful for so many things. I am learning to feel God's presence each day and today I know he is present because he continues to provide for me and has blessed me in so many ways. I am thankful for:

• my healthy, happy little boy who brings joy to my life each and every day
• my hard-working husband that travels each week to provide our family with opportunities
• growing up in a family in which all I ever knew and felt was love and got to wake up every day knowing that my parents loved me and were going to do whatever it took to take care of me and my sister
• my sister who is my bestest friend, who listens and always takes my side :)
• that I have a job that I absolutely love and a chance to build a private practice
• Connor having a nana and pawpaw who adore him and show him unconditional love each and every time they spend time with him
• that I have friends who "get me," listen without judging, and are always dependable
• Chloe...who keeps me and Connor company and stands guard each week
• my stepson who seems to have made a turn for the better
• that I serve a God that is faithful, loving, and always there

That is just a few of the things that I am thankful for each day. I often have some of my clients keep "gratitude" journals to remind them of the positive things in their lives each day....doesn't seem like such a bad idea for all of us!

Laugh and Cry

This has been a week full of laughs accompanied by a few moments that were not so fun. One thing I have learned about being a mom its to enjoy the funny moments, savor every minute of them and allow myself to laugh. My son provides me with many, many laughs....

I am always up for company when my husband travels so this week my sister came to spend the night one evening and out to dinner we went. Dining with Connor is a challenge at best. He does not eat like most toddlers (a whole other post would be necessary to explain) so he is easily bored and hasn't quite accepted the idea of sitting quietly at the table while others attempt to enjoy their meal. Sometimes I think that myself and those I dine with must like rushed, stressed meals because despite Connor's challenging behaviors at restaurants we continue to dine out.

On this particular night, Connor must have sensed that we needed to be entertained. So, after climbing up and down, underneath the table, throwing his crayons on the floor, and attempting to walk across the table....he decided to do a strip tease! My lil boo stood up on the bench and pulled his pants down to his knees. Ok, yes, it was inappropriate for us to laugh...but we just couldn't help it. There my lil guy stood, pants around his ankles and dancing like it's normal to take your pants down at the dinner table. Once I composed myself, I pulled his pants up and redirected his behavior only for him to do it again. What this says about my child I have no idea...but golly it was funny! Connor must have enjoyed making mommy and Aunt Kelli laugh because the laughs continued once we got in the car. Connor proceeded to tell us that he was sleepy. I thanked him for telling me and told him we'd be home soon. My lil buddy proceeded to play like he was asleep and began fake snoring in his car seat....I am gonna blame that one on Hagie....I would never snore :)

So despite the difficulty I had eating crab legs while my lil guy climbed on me, snuggled with me, danced and took his clothes off, and hid under the table, the evening was enjoyable! I love to watch him and even more so, I love the feeling when I can just look at him and think "that's my boy!"
*Note to self...don't order crab legs when dining with a toddler!

I am glad for the funny moments this week because taking Connor to get his flu shot was definitely NOT FUN. I have taken him the past two years and I don't remember it being as bad. Connor is getting old enough to know when "something is up" and definitely caught on to something when the nurse asked me to take his pants off. I just knew Connor was thinking "now I can take my pants off to dance, but I am not so sure about taking them off so you can stick me." As if I wasn't feeling bad enough, knowing that the nurse was about to hurt my baby, he started yelling "help me daddy, help me." This broke my heart. He wanted his daddy (who wasn't at the appt) to save him from what his "bad" mommy was about to have done to him. And then the shot came! I had to hold down his arms and legs to keep him from moving and thought to myself..how scary for my lil guy...I wouldn't want someone holding me down either! After holding my lil guy, reassuring him that it was going to be okay, and letting him pick out a sticker...all was calm. Just a few minutes of screaming. But I imagine, like most mothers, hearing your child cry because something or someone has hurt them is a horrible feeling. One that I know I will experience much more as he gets older but one that never gets any easier!

I'm a "second-mom" too!

This weekend my stepson came to visit. We haven't seen him for several months for various reasons, none of which are really important to this blog. What is important is how much I love this kid. This one will be quick, just a little insight into the thoughts and feelings I experience each time I get to spend time with Vic.

I remember when I met my husband I had no idea that he had a child, a ten-year old at the time. But when I did find out, which was only about two weeks into our dating relationship, I didn't run, didn't try to play momma and committed myself to being in this child's life if it were meant for me. Sure it was scary at first....I certainly wasn't looking for any "baby momma drama" and definitely knew that I would have to be extremely careful and not try and act like his mother. He has a mother. Although not his mother, I knew that I would be a positive, nurturing force in his life. Needless to say, I love this kid like I birthed him. He's a teenager now, so obviously, we have had difficult times but like most mothers would say, it doesn't change my love and desire for his life to be safe and fulfilling.

Mothering a teenager is fun. Ok...so it comes with its worries too but the relationship between a teenage child and his parents is a unique one. I'd like to consider myself a "pretty cool" stepmom to have and easy to talk to...thus why Vic and I have always been able to talk openly about all things. Vic and I use the phrase that I am his "second mom." Today has been no different. Although I haven't seen him for several months, we haven't skipped a beat. Our afternoon chat has consisted of topics from past drug use , to girls, to family, to the importance of making good decisions and how actions bring consequences...good or bad. I know...I just gave myself away as the clinical social worker that I am! That's ok....I am good at it :) What I love is that I can sit and listen to Vic without judgment, loving him for who he is, and offer a listening ear and advice when he wants it. I have to be honest, I love that this almost seventeen year old kid feels safe enough with me to talk about "teenage stuff" and seems to be interested in the feedback I have to offer. It's an amazing feeling. Man I hate that he's not around more!

Rested!

Well Hello! Today is a great day. Today is definitely related to the peaceful night I had last night! Let me set the stage: yesterday my lil one and I had a play date which went well and was fun for all. Afterwards, we spent time together at home putting a puzzle together and playing cars (this was after my attempt to get him to nap which was to no prevail). By 4:30 my lil buddy was extremely grumpy and definitely tired. Here we go I thought to myself. He was whining, wanted a snack but didn't know what he wanted and of course he wasn't going to try something new , and wanted to watch a movie instead of the local news, which happens to be my fave. Obviously I don't expect my toddler to find joy in the local news but is it too much to ask that he play with one of his gazillion toys in the house while I watch the news? I am proud to say that I won the battle and watched my news while entertaining him with his jungle animals. By 6pm, I had made it through the rough spots and it was time to bathe my little guy. By this point I was definitely smiling.......one more hour or so and I am "good to go." So I bathed the lil guy, feed him his last round of bites and put in a movie for him to settle down to. I think we've seen All Dogs Go To Heaven at least 15 times this week. No exaggeration! Just as I expected he fell asleep and was out for the count by 7:15pm! WOW!

My husband is out of town so I had the television to myself; if you know my husband, you know that we don't always enjoy the same shows so the thought of getting to watch a couple hours of "my shows" on the big tv was thrilling to say the least. No sci-fi, no CNN/MSNBC, no superhero movies etc! So there I sat, in my pj's watching DVR'd shows of Desperate Housewives, Brothers and Sisters, The Mentalist, and Lipstick Jungle. For a brief second, I didn't really know what to do with myself....there was no toddler to attend to, no necessary phone calls to make, no paperwork to do and no housework that couldn't wait. This feeling left me as quickly as it came as I curled up for a peaceful evening. I enjoyed all the junk food in the house, having no real dinner. I had cheez-its, Halloween candy, popcorn, and I couldn't resist the last donut! By 11pm, I had caught up on my shows and nestled into bed to read a couple chapters in my book. I called my husband to tell him goodnight and that I loved him and slipped off into peaceful sleep. Wow...if every night could look something like this one. The only thing that could have made it better would have been to share it with my hard-working hubby!

So..that leads us to today. My lil guy slept through the night and woke up at 7am and I jumped right out of bed to start the day. What a great feeling! We both had restful sleep and woke up in good moods. The morning wasn't rushed, I even had time to fold some laundry before heading to work. Once we got in the car to head out, we were greeted on the radio by one of my favorite Chris Tomlin songs that totally makes my heart feel light and takes away all worries. It was then that I knew this day was going to be swell!

Halloween Weekend Brings Reality

Wow....Halloween is great fun when there is a little person in the family! Last year, we really didn't do much for Halloween because I figured my lil guy was too young to really get it. But this year, he dressed up as a blue monster, attended a Halloween party at his sitter's and went trick or treating. What fun!

Nana joined us for the first part of the day for the Halloween party. We got to see my son interact with his friends. I think he was a little confused as to why Nana and Mommy were there but he eventually came out of his shell and enjoyed himself. At one point during the party, we were encouraged to dance to the music...well...you could tell by the look on my son's face that he was like..."um, really, could ya'll NOT dance, you are embarrassing me!" Nana and I danced anyway :) The party consisted of brownie cupcakes, Halloween stories, a treasure hunt, and a hike through the trails to find scary creatures hiding in the woods...what fun!

The entire time I found myself thinking "oh my, my baby is growing up." All of sudden reality hit that he isn't that little infant that enjoyed being swaddled up tight, rocked or allowed to lounge on his boppy. My little boy is growing up. And as the weekend progressed, this thought became more of a reality.

Next on the weekend agenda was trick or treating. My sister joined us for the festivities and we had a blast. My lil guy had lots of company during his first experience with "tricking" as we called it on this evening. He had mommy, daddy and his aunt, along with several of his friends from the sitter's. C-man, as I'll call him here, caught on to trick or treating quickly. He wasn't keen on actually saying "trick or treat" so I did that part for him but he definitely knew to go for the good stuff....CHOCOLATE. He's definitely my child. C-man was a trooper. He hung in there til almost the end and then decided that he could ride in the stroller between houses and then get out of his stroller just to get the candy from the person at the door. Pretty clever I thought! Oh....I almost forgot to mention that the neighborhood where we trick or treated seems to have it figured out.....candy for the kiddos and a keg for the adults...what a brilliant idea :) As long as you have a driver of course!

Also on the weekend agenda was my son's first official attendance of a friend's birthday party. This was way fun. We went to a place called Leaping Lizards which consisted of giant, soft slides of all sizes and shapes. Boy, C-man had a ball. He played with his friends but always checked to make sure that mommy wasn't too far away.. This made me feel good....a secure child will explore his surroundings and check to see if mommy or daddy are nearby and this is exactly what my kiddo did. We've done something right :) After playing, C-man sat down and had cake with the birthday boy and looked through his goodie bag which couldn't have been better....a matchbox car and a soccer ball. I could just see him thinking YIPPEE. Though the party was fun, so fun I had to drag C-man out screaming because he didn't want to go...it was also another reminder that my baby is growing up.

My little buddy is growing up so fast and he never ceases to amaze me, whether it be some sentence that he says or some word that he pronounces accurately or his ability to socially interact with his peers appropriately, my baby is getting big. This weekend reminded me of how important it is to treasure each moment with him during these first years because they are flying by....guess it's time to consider a sibling....YIKES!

Feeling Lonely

Well, I waited a week to post again but really had enough last week to share that I could have written every day. Just to catch you up....I've had workers around my house everyday working in our yard and roof, my lil guy pulled all the keys off my laptop as if he had done nothing wrong, and my husband was gone one more night than expected. Maybe I was so frustrated that I didn't have the energy needed to formulate thoughts. I don't know.



So that leads us to this week. Fortunately, my husband was in town on Monday night so I had one night with him but then he ended up having to leave a day earlier than expected. So needless to say, me and my lil guy are "doing what we do." Meaning...I go to work, he goes to the sitter, we come home, play or watch movies (that we have seen a least a thousand times), eat, take a bath and go to bed. Not that I don't enjoy every second with my son because I know he will only be this age once, but this week I am really craving adult interaction! Sometimes it gets lonely, its my job to take care of and entertain my son not the other way around. Not even that I need to be entertained all the time but I do need adult stimulation. This has always been important to me which is probably why I take every opportunity I get to be social because the more I think about it, I am a really social person that needs social interaction to feel in balance. This should not be misconstrued to the perception that I don't love and adore my own immediate family, but lately I feel a great need to spend time alone with my husband, to connect and enjoy each other. It's been hard to do that lately given the house remodeling and the importance of my hubby spending time with our son when he is in town. My son loves his daddy and that really makes me smile! However, when I can't have the one on one time with my husband, my friends become even more important (but my friends have always been important to me and I understand the importance of maintaining true friendships).



So, after much rambling, the bottom line is that sometimes I feel lonely. This is no one's fault but more a feeling that I have based on circumstances. Thankfully, God is working with me on how to manage circumstances that aren't all the time easy and he gives me peace that my family is where we need to be right now. I am thankful for my husband's job, he enjoys it and is able to provide for us...I just miss him! And when I miss him, I feel the need to fill the void....I am aware of this feeling and accept it for what it is...

A Sick Toddler

I woke up this morning to the usual cry of my little guy yelling "mommy, mommy." I love the way he says mommy. Even early in the morning, I love to hear it. He has the sweetest voice!

This morning I barely made it to his room before he started throwing up. Being honest, my initial thought was "Oh no, here we go, my husband is out of town and I have 7 clients to see today." And taking my little guy to the sitter was definitely not an option. There was no coin toss for what my priority would be...obviously I got on the phone; cancelled and rescheduled the appointments that I could and then called the office to do the rest. All while caring for my little guy and holding a towel to his mouth so he could throw up freely while sitting on the couch.

Fortunately, God has afforded me a situation in which I didn't have to sit at home all day, worrying about the money lost while I was at home. I thought about this and thought about all the truly single moms that have different situations. Where one missed day at work can mean the difference in whether or not her gas or power bill gets paid or whether or not her kids will get to wear new Halloween costumes this year. With this fleeting thought, I took advantage of pampering and taking care of my little one and put to the side my thoughts of frustration and irritation at having to re-arrange MY schedule. Instead, I laid with him on the couch, watching multiple episodes of Tigger and Pooh and Scoopy Doo and ordered him a Halloween costume off the Internet.

Towards the end of the day, I could tell my little guy was feeling a little better because he wasn't throwing up anymore. However, he continued to lay on the couch, with little energy, curled up with his blankie. Yes...the thought crossed my mind..." I am going to have to cancel my appointments for tomorrow too." But then I took a minute and realized...so what, my little fellow needs his mommy when he's sick. So if I have to change my appointments, well, I'll do just that!

How I Got Where I Am

It's probably necessary to give a little bit of background information as to why I feel that my journey to rely on my faith is so important to me. I grew up in a home where we attended church regularly, I was involved in the youth group, and my parents conveyed the importance of following Christ. As I get older, this principal becomes more and more important, especially as life throws curve balls. Over the past two years, I have faced several frightening experiences in which I had no choice but to pray and put my fears in the hands of my God. The first was soon after I became pregnant with Connor. My mom had elective eye surgery and as a result had at least six ( I lost count) post surgeries to repair a torn retina that was likely a mistake made by her original doctor. As my mom went through this, I worried. I worried that she would lose her eyesight and that she wouldn't be able to enjoy her first grandchild that I knew she was eagerly awaiting. BUT, God is good, and after many prayers, my mom's retina has stayed attached. Her eyesight in one eye isn't great....but she can see! And most importantly she is able to be an amazing "Nana" to Connor. The second piece of scary news came the very week that I delivered Connor. I'll never forget a visit that my family received from my Aunt Donna, and cousins, Caelyn and Carrie. It was about the second day I'd been home from the hospital and my aunt revealed that Caelyn would be undergoing back surgery because she had been having severe pain and "something" showed up on an xray. At the young age of 17, my cousin Caelyn was diagnosed with Ewing Sarcoma cancer (only like 1 in 200 people are diagnosed with this type of cancer every year). Wow......I thought, how could this be, she's young, vibrant, and has her entire live ahead of her. So once again, feeling desperate, I turned my fears over to my God. I prayed daily for her health and her strength, as well did many others, and I can happily report that now, at the age of 19, she is cancer free. God answered another prayer. The third scary event occurred when Connor was a little over a year old, and my father had to have surgery to correct/fix a heart aneurysm. Talk about scary.....my father, who has been nothing short of amazing to his family for years was going to have major surgery. Once again, I hit my knees and begged my God to take care of my father and keep him safe during surgery. God answered my prayers. Finally, a fourth recent experience that has taught me how to rely on my faith was when I received an email from a friend of 16 years, saying that he had been diagnosed with Stage 3c colon cancer. He is 34. Once again, I questioned, tried to understand, tried to think of what to say to him but in the end, all I could do is pray for him. And I continue to do so. His most recent blood work, although still going through extensive chemo, shows not signs of cancerous cells.

Why have I chosen to share all this with you? It's simple! I am working on building my relationship with my God and learning to praise him during the good times and rely on him in the scary ones. I attended a Buckhead Church service several weeks ago, and Dr. Andy Stanley talked about five ways God grows our faith in him. One of these ways is pivotal circumstances. I truly believe that God used the above circumstances for both myself and the individual actually going through the difficult time to teach us how to trust him even when we don't understand.

So that's it. That's the background information that is important for you all to know as I continue to blog about my journey and share the daily happiness and struggles that life brings. It is my hope for myself that I'll continue to trust in my God, in both the good and the bad.

The Beginning

Well, I am sure those of you that have been invited to read my blog are wondering....why is she doing this? That is a question that I really don't have an answer for except to say that I feel that God has truly blessed me and I want to share with you the various things that God continues to do in my life. That being said, life also comes with challenges. Its these challenges, along with good times, that I wish to share with you . I also want to bring you along on my journey to learn how to truly rely on the Lord when life doesn't make any sense or when my brain kicks into negativity....usually related to my anxiety!

This is a process for me, one which I am really excited about. Be patient, as this blogging stuff is brand new to me.