Feeling Lonely

Well, I waited a week to post again but really had enough last week to share that I could have written every day. Just to catch you up....I've had workers around my house everyday working in our yard and roof, my lil guy pulled all the keys off my laptop as if he had done nothing wrong, and my husband was gone one more night than expected. Maybe I was so frustrated that I didn't have the energy needed to formulate thoughts. I don't know.



So that leads us to this week. Fortunately, my husband was in town on Monday night so I had one night with him but then he ended up having to leave a day earlier than expected. So needless to say, me and my lil guy are "doing what we do." Meaning...I go to work, he goes to the sitter, we come home, play or watch movies (that we have seen a least a thousand times), eat, take a bath and go to bed. Not that I don't enjoy every second with my son because I know he will only be this age once, but this week I am really craving adult interaction! Sometimes it gets lonely, its my job to take care of and entertain my son not the other way around. Not even that I need to be entertained all the time but I do need adult stimulation. This has always been important to me which is probably why I take every opportunity I get to be social because the more I think about it, I am a really social person that needs social interaction to feel in balance. This should not be misconstrued to the perception that I don't love and adore my own immediate family, but lately I feel a great need to spend time alone with my husband, to connect and enjoy each other. It's been hard to do that lately given the house remodeling and the importance of my hubby spending time with our son when he is in town. My son loves his daddy and that really makes me smile! However, when I can't have the one on one time with my husband, my friends become even more important (but my friends have always been important to me and I understand the importance of maintaining true friendships).



So, after much rambling, the bottom line is that sometimes I feel lonely. This is no one's fault but more a feeling that I have based on circumstances. Thankfully, God is working with me on how to manage circumstances that aren't all the time easy and he gives me peace that my family is where we need to be right now. I am thankful for my husband's job, he enjoys it and is able to provide for us...I just miss him! And when I miss him, I feel the need to fill the void....I am aware of this feeling and accept it for what it is...

A Sick Toddler

I woke up this morning to the usual cry of my little guy yelling "mommy, mommy." I love the way he says mommy. Even early in the morning, I love to hear it. He has the sweetest voice!

This morning I barely made it to his room before he started throwing up. Being honest, my initial thought was "Oh no, here we go, my husband is out of town and I have 7 clients to see today." And taking my little guy to the sitter was definitely not an option. There was no coin toss for what my priority would be...obviously I got on the phone; cancelled and rescheduled the appointments that I could and then called the office to do the rest. All while caring for my little guy and holding a towel to his mouth so he could throw up freely while sitting on the couch.

Fortunately, God has afforded me a situation in which I didn't have to sit at home all day, worrying about the money lost while I was at home. I thought about this and thought about all the truly single moms that have different situations. Where one missed day at work can mean the difference in whether or not her gas or power bill gets paid or whether or not her kids will get to wear new Halloween costumes this year. With this fleeting thought, I took advantage of pampering and taking care of my little one and put to the side my thoughts of frustration and irritation at having to re-arrange MY schedule. Instead, I laid with him on the couch, watching multiple episodes of Tigger and Pooh and Scoopy Doo and ordered him a Halloween costume off the Internet.

Towards the end of the day, I could tell my little guy was feeling a little better because he wasn't throwing up anymore. However, he continued to lay on the couch, with little energy, curled up with his blankie. Yes...the thought crossed my mind..." I am going to have to cancel my appointments for tomorrow too." But then I took a minute and realized...so what, my little fellow needs his mommy when he's sick. So if I have to change my appointments, well, I'll do just that!

How I Got Where I Am

It's probably necessary to give a little bit of background information as to why I feel that my journey to rely on my faith is so important to me. I grew up in a home where we attended church regularly, I was involved in the youth group, and my parents conveyed the importance of following Christ. As I get older, this principal becomes more and more important, especially as life throws curve balls. Over the past two years, I have faced several frightening experiences in which I had no choice but to pray and put my fears in the hands of my God. The first was soon after I became pregnant with Connor. My mom had elective eye surgery and as a result had at least six ( I lost count) post surgeries to repair a torn retina that was likely a mistake made by her original doctor. As my mom went through this, I worried. I worried that she would lose her eyesight and that she wouldn't be able to enjoy her first grandchild that I knew she was eagerly awaiting. BUT, God is good, and after many prayers, my mom's retina has stayed attached. Her eyesight in one eye isn't great....but she can see! And most importantly she is able to be an amazing "Nana" to Connor. The second piece of scary news came the very week that I delivered Connor. I'll never forget a visit that my family received from my Aunt Donna, and cousins, Caelyn and Carrie. It was about the second day I'd been home from the hospital and my aunt revealed that Caelyn would be undergoing back surgery because she had been having severe pain and "something" showed up on an xray. At the young age of 17, my cousin Caelyn was diagnosed with Ewing Sarcoma cancer (only like 1 in 200 people are diagnosed with this type of cancer every year). Wow......I thought, how could this be, she's young, vibrant, and has her entire live ahead of her. So once again, feeling desperate, I turned my fears over to my God. I prayed daily for her health and her strength, as well did many others, and I can happily report that now, at the age of 19, she is cancer free. God answered another prayer. The third scary event occurred when Connor was a little over a year old, and my father had to have surgery to correct/fix a heart aneurysm. Talk about scary.....my father, who has been nothing short of amazing to his family for years was going to have major surgery. Once again, I hit my knees and begged my God to take care of my father and keep him safe during surgery. God answered my prayers. Finally, a fourth recent experience that has taught me how to rely on my faith was when I received an email from a friend of 16 years, saying that he had been diagnosed with Stage 3c colon cancer. He is 34. Once again, I questioned, tried to understand, tried to think of what to say to him but in the end, all I could do is pray for him. And I continue to do so. His most recent blood work, although still going through extensive chemo, shows not signs of cancerous cells.

Why have I chosen to share all this with you? It's simple! I am working on building my relationship with my God and learning to praise him during the good times and rely on him in the scary ones. I attended a Buckhead Church service several weeks ago, and Dr. Andy Stanley talked about five ways God grows our faith in him. One of these ways is pivotal circumstances. I truly believe that God used the above circumstances for both myself and the individual actually going through the difficult time to teach us how to trust him even when we don't understand.

So that's it. That's the background information that is important for you all to know as I continue to blog about my journey and share the daily happiness and struggles that life brings. It is my hope for myself that I'll continue to trust in my God, in both the good and the bad.

The Beginning

Well, I am sure those of you that have been invited to read my blog are wondering....why is she doing this? That is a question that I really don't have an answer for except to say that I feel that God has truly blessed me and I want to share with you the various things that God continues to do in my life. That being said, life also comes with challenges. Its these challenges, along with good times, that I wish to share with you . I also want to bring you along on my journey to learn how to truly rely on the Lord when life doesn't make any sense or when my brain kicks into negativity....usually related to my anxiety!

This is a process for me, one which I am really excited about. Be patient, as this blogging stuff is brand new to me.