My Hurting Heart

Please excuse this post as it is likely to be somewhat depressing but I am "journaling" as if I would in my own private journal. My heart is heavy and I want to just allow my stream of consciousness to flow so that I may gain understanding and peace.

For many of you that read my posts, the name Page Walden won't ring a bell. For others, those of you who have known me many, many years, Page is the mother of Zack. Zack was my first love.

Many years ago, 17 to be exact, Page and Dan welcomed me into their home and family as if I was one of their own. I have so many fond memories of Page and Dan that include Dan cooking Sunday dinners, looking through the Sunday AJC with the family, going to movies and plays with Page without Zach and Dan,or tender moments with Dan as we discussed old cars and discussed our mutual worries about Zack. I was even a hostess at their daughter, Katy's wedding. Even after Zach and I called it quits off and on, I continued to enjoy a glass of chardonnay with Page when we could meet for dinner. The relationship I had with the Walden's is one that will never be repeated and is so hard to explain even through examples.

Page has always been such a tender, spunky spirit. Any time spent with Page is sure to be fun and exciting. Her love and empathy for others is amazing and she continues to touch so many through her volunteer work and cancer survivor support groups.

My heart is heavy as I sit here in tears. Page has battled cancer off and on since 1990. I met her in 1992. She is such a fighter and has beaten cancer in the past against odds. God has truly held her in his hand and I know that he continues to hold her. Tears flow as I have learned this week that they have found tumors on her brain. My heart aches as I pray for her as well as her amazing family. How difficult this must be for them. Page is currently at Emory Hospital while the doctors run more tests and develop a treatment strategy. I get to visit with her this week and I am so eager to hug her neck! And Dan's too!

I try and control my tears but they flow so I let them. I cry because it just doesn't seem fair. I cry because I continue to see the impact cancer makes on people I love and people that I work with in therapy. Cancer sucks! I cry because I worry about how Zack is dealing with his mom's illness. I cry because Dan is a strong christian man who has stood by his wife for so many years and how his own heart is broken at the thought and reality of Page having to undergo more treatment. I cry because in the past years when Page and I have been out of touch we shouldn't have been. I cry because cancer is real and it impacts families every day and unless we are one of them, we have no idea how it feels to be them. I can imagine though that it is terrifying, creates anger and sadness and leaves the family of someone battling cancer feeling absolutely helpless.

I close knowing that God is holding Page in the palm of his hand and that he will continue to be in control of her body...as he has been since 1990. I pray Page continues to fight and that her family feels a blanket of comfort that can only come from someone far greater than any of us.