Settling Hormones

Ok, so I must give credit where credit is due. A few posts ago I wrote about my mood being far less than "normal." One of my doctors attempted to reassure me weeks ago that what I was feeling was "most likely" hormonal and around 24-26 weeks I should start to notice a change...for the better. Well, I do believe he is right.

I just hit the 24 week mark (holy cow only 16 weeks to go). And I do feel better. I feel motivated, have had several days of cleaning sprees, felt like cooking and all together feel more like myself. Thank Goodness!

As I mentioned in an earlier post, feeling depressed was a new one for me. Fortunately, depression is not something I have had to battle in my past. Now that I've experienced it for a couple of months during this pregnancy, I have an even greater level of empathy for my clients that suffer from chronic depression. It is my hope that this new experience follows suit with my perception that my own life experiences only add to my clinical abilities and serve to enhance my clinical practice. For this, I am grateful.

"FIVE...when did that happen?!?"

I'm a couple weeks late but my baby boy turned 5 on March 3! I feel like just yesterday my precious sidekick was born. Since day 1, he has been my baby, my teacher, my sidekick, and my challenger. There's not a day that goes by that my love for Connor doesn't grow stronger and there's not a day that goes by that he doesn't try my patience in one form or another. I can hear my mother saying "PAYBACK!" Even with the challenges of parenthood, I would not trade one moment spent with my lil guy.

In 2006, I had not started blogging yet, so I want to take a few minutes and document my memories of March 3, 2006. The day my life and heart were changed forever.

Very briefly, my water broke at about 5:45am. I was 39 weeks. As I rolled over, the sheets soaked, I told Hagie that I thought my water had just broke. His classic response "Are you sure you didn't just wet the bed?" I called the Emory midwives who told me I could take my time but that I should be at Emory Crawford Long by 9am or so. I surprised myself at just how calm I was. Having no discomfort or pain, I proceeded to take a shower, call my parents and sister, and make sure everything was in place for when Connor would come home. Even had time to ride through the Chick-fil-A drive thru.

Not surprisingly, Hagie and I had waited until the last minute to install the infant car seat. Sooo...a stop by the Virginia Highlands fire station was in order. The only thing I really remember about this part was the fireman asking me when I was due. I chuckled as I told him "now!"

Hagie and I arrived at Crawford Long about 9am and the nurse got me set up with an IV port and I waited to see a midwife. I knew they were going to admit me because my water had broke but I certainly didn't feel like I was in active labor. Still no pain..the only pain I had endured so far was the nurse stabbing my vein and blood spewing all over her and the floor. That was pretty!

I was admitted and checked and I had barely dilated. I was encouraged to walk and walk and walk. There's only so many times I could walk in the same circle. After a few hours, the midwife agreed to induce contractions/labor with pitocin. This was at about 2:30-3pm. It sure didn't take long after being hooked up to the pitocin that my contractions began and my body began to dilate. I remember laying in the bed, mom and dad and my sister Kelli in the room. Hagie sat beside me looking at comic books online. Now that I write that, it's kinda funny. I ended up asking for the epidural as my pain became more and more intense.

It wasn't long before my body began progressing quickly. Dad and Kelli left the room and Hagie and Mom stayed by my side. With my blood pressure getting higher than they wanted, it was a good thing that Connor decided "let's do this!" I recall as my sister left the room, telling her to get the midwife ASAP because I HAD to push! About 4 pushes and 15 minutes later, Connor arrived in the world at 8:58pm. Hagie swears that Connor arrived with his head turned looking towards Daddy. What a great memory! Connor arrived weighing in at 6 pounds, 5 ounces and was 19 inches long. Completely bald and a little jaundice.

After not being able to eat while in active labor, I was absolutely starving. My sweet and gracious Dad went to both Burger King and Krispy Kreme because I HAD to have a whopper and donuts:). Thanks Dad in case I never told you.

Well, that's the short version of my baby boy's entrance to this world. I will continue to love him, protect him, discipline him, and teach him so that he grows up to be a young man that can hold his head high. Praying for guidance and strength as Hagie and I have been entrusted with his precious life. We won't let him down!

It's a Girl

Well, time is passing quickly and Hagie and I found out last week that Baby Cook is a girl. I've had three ultrasounds thus far. At my 12 week ultrasound, they "guessed" boy but said it was really too early to be certain. So for about 7 weeks, I was convinced it was a boy. Hagie wasn't so sure :). So when the tech told us girl last week, I literally thought I was going to fall off the table. Good thing they took my blood pressure before the ultrasound!

Hagie and I are both thrilled. At almost 20 weeks, Baby Girl is healthy and growing on schedule. What a relief for any parent to see and hear. Her profile pictures look like Connor...can't wait to meet her and of course I wonder what she will look like. I'm going to go ahead and guess that she'll favor her father, just like Connor. But that's okay, I happen to think he's handsome.

Baby Girl has a first name...but it's top secret :). I'm just not ready to put it out there. Her name came easily. Back when Hagie and I were dating, we had many conversations about children and names. We've had this baby's name picked out for about 8 years. We are in love with her and her name. Now if the next 20 weeks will pass as quickly as the first half~!

At almost 20 weeks, I can FINALLY feel more than flutters. Last night, I felt my first real movement. It wasn't a kick but more like she just bumped into me. I envisioned her doing gymnastics and accidentally bumping into the side of my uterus. She bumped around for about 20 minutes and then she must have decided to take a little nap. It's strange how I've forgotten some of the physical feelings associated with pregnancy. When she bumped me, it was the strangest feeling; one that seemed brand new! It definitely took a few minutes to get used to. But the movement is so reassuring.

Now it's time to start preparing her nursery. I have a feeling July will be here before we know it! Oh...and shopping, oh the cute girl clothes!

Mind and Body

Ask me how it feels to live with anxiety and I can talk all day. Ask me how it feels to have "the blues" or "the blahs" and I'd tell you I am learning. And I don't like it.

Anxiety has been present in my life for as long as I can remember. But the way I have been feeling lately is VERY NEW. My doctor says its likely related to a change in my progesterone and estrogen levels. Normal for a pregnant person. I've been given the encouragement that by week 26 or so, my levels should even out and I should feel the "blahs" start to lift.

It's become so real to me just how linked our body and minds are. I'll give hormones some of the credit for my recent mood but I can't discount how not feeling physically well affects me too. I have definitely noticed that when my body feels yucky, my mind follows suit. Well this stinks! I am hanging in here, with constant reminders to myself that this too shall pass and in the end, I'll have a precious gift from God to hold in my hands. Some days that's enough, some days it isn't. The days that I struggle tend to be the days that I don't answer the phone, don't call friends to chat, don't respond quickly, if at all, to text messages and it takes all my energy to just "handle business."

I feel fortunate to have a group of girlfriends that pay attention and recognize when I am having one of my days. My husband also falls into this category. Hagie is quick to pick up on if I am being too quiet or I am just not acting like myself. The hard part is it's difficult to explain to others when I really don't quite understand it myself. I guess what's nice is that to my husband and to my "girls" I don't have to explain, they just know. There lies the comfort.

A shout out to my hubby and my girls for recognizing when I'm not myself and for reaching out when I won't.

Good Riddance 1st Trimester

I'm about a month out of the first trimester of pregnancy and am starting to have some good days. I wanted to take a minute and document how the first 14 weeks went for me. I have to say, out of the 14 weeks, I'd say the only "good" weeks were the first 4.5 weeks, of which I didn't know I was pregnant and my body had not started all the wonderful (insert sarcasm here) hormonal changes. My list is not pleasant but it's real.

Let's see, for about ten and half weeks, I experienced all of the following, alone or in combination daily:
-All day nausea
-Dry heaving (I may or may not have peed on myself during my dry heaving moments)
-"other" digestive issues
-Absolutely no energy...walking to the mailbox felt like I'd run a marathon, not to mention keeping up with my clients and my active, happy big boy
-Feeling irritable and annoyed about 100% of the time
-Food aversions of all kinds...food was definitely NOT my friend.
-Not caring what my house looked like
-Not wanting to be bothered by anyone...the couch or the bed was where I wanted to be
-Taking short naps on my office couch just to attempt to settle my stomach and gain a little energy
-My weekly menu really just consisted of Ginger Ale, Spaghetti O's with hot sauce, Poptarts, Chicken flavored Ramen Noodles, and Cinnamon Rolls. Thank God for prenatal vitamins!
-Thoughts of "how am I going to do this?"

Now that I am 17 weeks pregnant, I can say that the days are getting better. My biggest complaint are the pregnancy migraines that seem to make an appearance about every three days or so. I have a new found level of empathy for all those that suffer from migraines regularly. Many a day I want to put my head on a chopping block and just knock it off! My energy is slowly coming back and the food aversions are getting better. Baby Cook still seems to have his/her favorites but at least the thought of food no longer makes me want to vomit.

I recognize this post won't be interesting to anyone else but me. However; my blog is my journey and the highs and lows of pregnancy are a part of my world.

17 weeks and counting....

My First Experience with a Forgotten Population

A write up from an experience I had about a month ago. I encourage all my followers to check out Satellite180.org for more information.

When Mr. Greg Rose, Executive Director, of Satellite Re-entry Inc offered me an invitation to join the Board of Directors, I was thrilled. It was an easy decision to make. Satellite Re-entry serves and supports a population that I have been passionate about for years. I knew by joining this non-profit, that I could use my skills and knowledge to help a group of young men that are desperate for genuine advocates. Little did I consider just how much these same young men would bless and enhance my own life.

After accepting the Board of Directors invitation to join the Board, I was elected to hold the role as Program Committee Chair. My role on the Board has given me an opportunity to meet the young men we support in Burrus Prison as well as meet their H.E.A.D.S. UP teacher and mentor, who happens to be a prisoner himself. H.E.A.D.S. UP is a program supported by the efforts of Satellite Re-entry Inc. and offers the SB440 inmates a chance at learning new life skills and new ways of understanding themselves and others while serving out their sentences. My first trip to Burrus Prison was one of specific purpose. I was to meet with the teacher/mentor that is delivering the H.E.A.D.S UP curriculum on the inside and offer clinical feedback regarding its content and whether or not the curriculum is age appropriate given the experiences of these young men. That being said, I began the process of providing feedback but the day consisted of so much more. It provided me with an experience that will not soon be forgotten.

During my visit, I had the opportunity to sit in on the H.E.A.D.S. UP class and meet the young men that Satellite Re-entry Inc is currently supporting. Walking into the classroom, I didn’t know what to expect nor did I know how my presence in the class would be received. I stood in front of the classroom as a group of about 20 SB440 prisoners walked in, anticipating their Friday afternoon class. I had already been warned that the group would need to see that I was genuine and that I could relate to them in some way. I am certain that this group of 18 African American young men, one Hispanic and one Caucasian had their doubts as to how I could relate or why I would even care about their existence. After all, for most of them, they are the “forgotten” population as they grow up in adult prison, most of them between the ages of 15-18. The group of young men were polite, shaking my hand and allowing me to introduce myself to them casually as they took their seats. Their teacher/mentor gave me an opportunity to answer any questions the group had for me and encouraged me to share with the group my background and why I was there to meet them. I was not surprised when the group didn’t have any questions for me. Having worked in similar populations in the past, I knew that they were waiting on me to “explain” myself and “sell” myself to them in such a way that they could slowly let down their guards and feel safe that I was in their space. After giving the group my unrehearsed version of my professional background and allowing them to see a glimpse of who I am, I felt as if I had been accepted. It is now my mission to ensure that they feel accepted too.
I interacted in the classroom only as cued by the teacher. For me, it was more about looking at each individual and looking into their eyes; where their souls lie and their stories remain untold. As I sat and allowed my eyes to circle the room, the emotions that tugged at my heart where often overwhelming. Deep breathes got me through it as well as the hope that I can help rally more people to listen to their stories and advocate for this group that has no voice. Their pain is evident if you take the time to look and listen. These are adolescents being raised in an adult prison where the majority of the staff ignore their emotional pain and seem to have forgotten that they are adolescents, not adults. They are filled with fear and uncertainty as many of them still have many years to serve in their mandatory sentences. However, despite their pain and fear, my heart sang as the H.E.A.D.S. UP program offers these young men hope for a brighter future despite their past. The excitement and eagerness to create a future that is vastly different from their past could be heard and seen in the classroom. They are passionate about the program they have chosen to be a part of and cling to every word of hope. This is likely what gets many of them through the dark and lonely nights behind bars with others who don’t have their best interest at hand.

Not many of us can even come close to imagining what these adolescents go through on a daily basis. Many of them don’t have consistent family support, they don’t receive encouraging mail, they feel misunderstood and labeled and most of all, they feel forgotten. It is my hope that through my active participation with Satellite Re-entry Inc., I can be a voice for the “forgotten” and find new ways for them to feel accepted and important to those of us who are taking steps towards providing them with opportunities to make their future different from their past.

The Blur that was November and December

Well,I'm back after not blogging for some time. Not because I didn't want to but because life took over and I found myself with little time or energy to write.

The first weekend of November we moved into a bigger house in Decatur near the Oakhurst Village. We were in desperate need of more space and I needed piece of mind that Connor would be attending a good school system. I cannot say enough positive things about how supportive my husband was of my constant nagging and push to get us out of our small home and into one that we could grow into. He listened, understood and began to recognize just how important it was for us to have more room.

We moved in one weekend and Connor and I went out of town the next. Hagie went back out of town for work and we left with boxes and boxes to unpack. We've just now gotten settled. That brings us to just about mid November.

After months of praying and seeking guidance about if and when we should expand our family, God answered our prayers in only a way that he could: a positive pregnancy test! I'm still not sure the reality has set in. I'd be lying to say I don't have anxiety and fear associated with a second child but at the same time I am trusting that this is what God has in store for us. It's part of our big picture.

I worry about being a mommy to a newborn with Hagie out of town each week. I worry about being able to give enough time and attention to Connor as he continues to grow into his own little personality that is ever so precious! I worry about finances. I worry about how to deal with being in private practice and how to ensure that my clients needs are met while I'm taking care of my own and my family's. My solution to the worries is I try and practice mindfulness each day. Living for today, trusting that God is going to provide a way for the rest. He always does.

November and December have come and gone and I feel like I was barely "in the game" for it. My first trimester has been a doozy (more on this later) and I feel like I have literally let two months pass me by. But to be honest, I'm not sure I could have done anything differently. I got through Christmas, doing all of our "normal" activities because Connor was so excited this year. I wish I could have mustered up more Christmas spirit.

That's the quick catch up on the last two months...I look forward to writing about the next leg of the journey!