"More to Life"

The Thanksgiving holiday has come and gone and with that, "Black Friday" has also passed. In recent years, Hagie and I have geared up and joined the masses. Not so much for the retail sales but more for the fun of rushing around and officially starting the Christmas season. This year was different and it feels different. There was no discussion about what stores to go to first or what was on the Christmas list that we had to score before it was sold out. Rather this year, "Black Friday" and the rest of the Thanksgiving weekend was spent enjoying family and appreciating a few days of simplicity. College football, long days in our pj's, our favorite shows on the DVR and decorating our home as we prepare to celebrate Christmas. Simplicity is a foreign concept to so many of us, myself included, but I am learning to enjoy the simple things. And it's not so bad.

As I think about Thanksgiving and the upcoming Christmas holiday, I am actually looking forward to keeping things simple and easy and spending time with those I cherish so much. As he always does, the God I serve has reminded me, yet again, that he is in control and life is to be lived without the promise of tomorrow. Everyday should be Thanksgiving.

I've been following the story of a guy my age from Rockdale County that is in the fight of his life, battling cancer with a grim prognosis. I've never met this individual but was drawn to his story because of his unwavering faith and endurance to keep fighting despite what his doctors say. David is a father to two small children and has chosen to believe that his miracle will come. Along with following David's story, a friend was recently diagnosed with cancer of the rectum. She has just undergone surgery to remove the tumor along with her entire rectum to give her the best chance at survival and beating the rare cancer that attacked her body. She, too, is choosing to believe in her own future despite comments from her doctors. She has her life but will live each day with a colostomy bag. Not fun I'm sure but as she has said "it's better than being dead."

These two stories of cancer and the spirit and faith of these two individuals has really stopped me in my tracks. Why should I concern myself with "Black Friday" sales or whether or not Santa will fulfill Christmas wishes? It's not about any of that. This holiday season I want to be deliberate with my time and thoughts. I want to pay attention to all the gifts in my life and take the time to pray for those that are struggling and fighting for the opportunity to simply live.

It's amazing the lessons we can all learn if we sit back and take the time to watch the journey of others. We all have our own journey. We all have peaks and valleys along the way. It's how we decide to handle our peaks and valleys that really counts. More importantly, it's whether or not we choose to believe, that, even in the darkest, toughest valley there is hope and joy through gratitude, prayer and support.

I am thankful for David and my friend for allowing me to follow their journey. This holiday season I am reminded that very little in life matters beyond my relationship with my family and friends, my heavenly father and my children. This year I will raise my glass and toast to simplicity, health and the opportunity to live life with family and friends that I adore!

July 10, 2011: Baby Girl's Birthday

It's has been quite a while since I have blogged. It will take me several entries to catch up to the present.

Samantha Caelyn Cook entered the world on her daddy's birthday, July 10, 2011. If the way she entered this world says anything about her personality and will, I'm already proud of her and convinced that she will live up to her name.

The weekend of July 10, I started having contractions Friday night, the 8th. I wasn't in any pain, just a little uncomfortable and went about running errands and had dinner out with Hagie and Connor.

Saturday was much of the same scenario. Hagie, Connor and I did our usual Saturday stuff and eventually the contractions got a little closer and a little more uncomfortable. I made a call to the doctor on call, who happened to be my favorite in the practice, and he told me they weren't close enough (8 minutes a part) and to call back when they were five minutes a part. I didn't really like his answer but also knew that if the contractions weren't close enough together and if I had not progressed that I'd be sent home. So I read my book and went to bed.

Helllooo 3:30am! I woke up in severe pain, having to really concentrate during the contractions. I decided that it was a good idea to get in a hot bath and see if that helped with the pain and THEN call the doctor. I called the doctor about 4:45am and he said to "go ahead and come in, let us take a look." At this point, contractions were consistently coming every six minutes with very little time in between. Wowza!! I definitely should have called the doctor first. Lesson learned.

My sister arrived on the scene at 5:30am to keep Connor and off to DeKalb Medical we went. We arrived at the hospital at 5:45am. I didn't call my mom and dad yet because in my mind, I had plenty of time to call them once they admitted me. WRONG! Obviously the contractions were interfering with my decision making :). I hate it because I robbed my mom the experience of being in the room when Samantha was born.

It all went so quickly. I remember being balled over in the waiting area while they processed my paperwork. I sent Hagie to the reception window to tell them I couldn't sit there anymore and to please call me back. I WANTED DRUGS! After what seemed like hours, they finally came and put me in a triage room. In tears, barely able to talk, and begging for medication, the nurse wouldn't give me anything until they "checked" me and did blood work. I was about 7cm dilated when she checked me and thought I had plenty of time for an epidural. WRONG AGAIN!

The rest is a real blur but I do remember pushing in the triage room even when I was told not to which caused my water break. Sounded like a water balloon busted!! I recall begging the nurse for any drug she could give me. I specifically remember telling her she could put crack cocaine in my bag, I didn't care, just give me something!! I overheard them page my doctor for the second time as they rushed me to a labor and delivery room all while telling me not to push. I recall having to slide from one bed to the next, I recall practically climbing over the bed rail to try and control the pain and I absolutely did a lot of screaming and crying. During all of this, the nurses told somebody to get an OB in the room, that they didn't care if it was my doctor or not, but to get a doctor.

My doctor got to the room just in time. I screamed at him that I was going to push. Quite frankly, I didn't care at this point if they were ready or not, I was ready and apparently so was Samantha Caelyn. Two pushes later and a lot of screaming and our precious, healthy baby girl was here. ALL WITH NO DRUGS! Holy Cow! Time of birth 7:05am...less than two hours after leaving my house. Close call!!

Words cannot express the experience. It was surreal. It was painful. It was worth every tear I cried and every word I screamed! Did I choose a natural childbirth? Ummm, that would be a negative. Did I survive a natural childbirth? Absolutely and I feel stronger in so many ways because of it! I was also reminded that even in the most difficult and painful of times, I am not alone. One of my besties, Amy, came to see me that day at the hospital. She commented that I did not seem myself and seemed a bit out of it. After talking to her, I was able to recognize that what I had just gone through was absolutely an amazing experience, one that did not go as I had planned but one that I will never forget. The experience of natural childbirth left me in a daze as I ran over all the details in my mind.I hope I never forget!

Samantha Caelyn Cook entered this world determined and strong. I pray she keeps these attributes. Samantha Caelyn Cook weighed in at 6 pounds 6 ounces, 18.25 inches long and unaffected by the gestational diabetes. Thank God. She is truly a gift from God and I cannot get enough of her. I can't wait to share more about her in upcoming posts.

Meaning: "Told by God," "Listener"

Baby Girl Cook's due date is approaching faster than ever. We are at ten weeks and counting...the nursery isn't done and her clothes haven't been washed but she HAS a name.

Samantha Caelyn Cook: To be called "Sam" or "Sammie," whichever sticks. The story behind her first name isn't near as sentimental as that of her middle name. But nonetheless, it has a story too. Not to mention, she will have the same initials as mommy!

I'm a child of the 80s. And that means I grew up on great sitcoms, sitcoms that put to shame what is offered on current television. One of my favorites has always been "Who's the Boss." Those that grew up on 80s sitcoms, probably remember "Sam," played by Alyssa Milano. The daughter of Tony Danza on the show. I remember being drawn to Sam's character. The beautiful tomboy who had an admirable relationship with her father and was well-rounded in life. Even more so, I loved her name. I've always loved female names that when shortened are what most would consider "boy" names. Whoever was going to be sent my way to marry would HAVE to like the name...

Fast forward 20 or so years (yep, feeling old) and enter Hagie Cook into the picture. Like most couples, in the beginning Hagie and I had the "what if" discussions that included marriage and kids (how many, names we liked, gender we preferred, etc). To put a year to the story, it's fair to say that Hagie and I have had Baby Girl Cook's name picked out since about 2002-2003. It is a name we both agreed on from the beginning and one that we both liked shortened to "Sam." Now, to be fair to Hagie, I should probably say that him liking Samantha has nothing to do with "Who's the Boss," but it is a name that he loves.

Once Hagie and I were married and began discussing when to begin a family, "Sam" was the only option for a little girl. We didn't need to have a discussion. When God blessed us with Connor, we were thrilled and the name "Samantha" was put on a shelf in case we were to be blessed with a little girl in the future.

Interestingly, when I was about 12 weeks pregnant with Samantha, the ultrasound tech guessed boy but told me it was only a guess and that at 12 weeks gestation it's difficult to observe differences. I went home and called Hagie who happily accepted the idea of another son but didn't give up on the idea of adding a Samantha to our family. At my 18 week ultrasound, the ultrasound tech stated "y'all do want to know the sex right?" Well, in my head I was thinking I already knew but she could confirm. When she began typing a "g" on the ultrasound screen, I thought I would fall off the table, meanwhile, Hagie sat in his chair grinning from ear to ear. God had given us our Samantha. We both looked at her on the screen and knew she already had a name:). No debate needed.

If you combine the meaning of Samantha's first and middle names it means "listener loved forever." Samantha was loved before she was ever conceived and we cannot wait to meet her.

Samantha Caelyn Cook we await your arrival! "Sam" or "Sammie" to be determined.

"Pouty Sundays"

Well, Sunday evening has come again. I dread Sunday afternoons because lately what this means is that Hagie has to hit the road. We always have such a lovely Sunday morning grabbing our weekly Starbucks, attending church and eating at a new restaurant for lunch...courtesy of Scoutmob. We are expanding our lists of favorites!

You can feel the energy level at the Cook's shifts a bit come about 5pm. Hagie is usually packing his suitcase after taking a power nap; gearing up for his weekly drive to Jacksonville or wherever he is needed. Although Connor and I, sadly, have become used to "daddy" traveling it never gets easier watching him pull away for the week. We miss him. Our time with him consists of late Friday evenings to Sundays at 6pm. Hag doesn't like it anymore than we do. But Hagie, being the person/husband/daddy that he is,sacrifices so that his family is provided for.

I often wonder what it must be like for him week in and week out to be in a hotel room, away from his family. At least here at home, I have Connor and family and friends to call on when I need to be entertained or just need some emotional support. Hagie has paperwork, browsing the Internet and television to keep him company. Not quite the same.

September will be three years since Hagie has had this job which requires that he be gone each week Monday through Friday. He hangs on, we hang on and we cherish the moments we do get to spend together. Even when our weekends are spent running errands and taking care of things around the house its okay because we do them together.

I pray diligently that the right opportunity for Hagie will come sooner than later. The building industry is difficult right now, even when you have twenty something years experience. There's a lesson here somewhere and I'm keeping my eyes open so I am sure to learn it the first time. Maybe the lesson is patience, maybe it's making our marriage stronger, maybe it's truly understanding that things don't happen on our time clock but when God sees fit, or maybe this job is lining up Hagie for an amazing opportunity in which he can be home with us more. Time will tell.

While I patiently wait, late Sunday afternoons will be dreaded and Connor and I (soon along with Baby Girl) will "do what we do" each week. But we'll continue to miss Hagie and pray for his safety and well-being until he comes home on Friday.

We love you Hag and miss you when you're gone.

"It's All in Her Name"

Hagie and I are thrilled that in about 11 weeks our little girl will make her debut. We are so eager to meet her, see what she looks like and incorporate her right into our madness.

We have spend a lot of time pondering the perfect name. We have had her first name picked out since, oh, about 2004. The middle name has been the challenge. As Hagie and I dated and talked about marriage and kids, it became even more evident to me that I wanted to give all of my children middle names, after someone who is special, irreplaceable and someone that my children could be proud to be named after.

For baby girl Cook, I am so excited to give her a middle name that is as beautiful as the person she will be named after. Baby girl's middle name is Caelyn. Caelyn is my first cousin.

It's difficult to even know where to begin in my story about why Caelyn is so special to me, Hagie and Connor. Caelyn and I's story begins when she was just a wee little tot and I had the pleasure of babysitting her and eventually spending several days at a time with her when her parents were out of town. She was such a beautiful little girl; full of joy and excitment to play and try new things, easy-going, and just plain loveable. She hasn't changed. I remember Caelyn and I getting stuck at her house when the big snow/ice storm of the early 90s hit the Atlanta area. It was just me and Caelyn and a house full of movies, toys, and food. She loved the television show "Saved By the Bell" and had every Disney movie ever recorded. That kept us busy. I kept a fire in the fireplace for us and we sat on a cozy couch right in front of it. That seems like ages ago.

I continued to babysit Caelyn regularly and even as she got older, I'd spent the night with her to keep her company if her parents were going to be out of town. As Caelyn got older, our outings consisted of a meal at a good restaurant, mall trips, and visits to see our Memaw. Memaw would be so proud of Caelyn. It seems like time flew and before I knew it, Caelyn was in high school, playing sports and making plans for college. I still cannot look at Caelyn and not see an image of that little girl that used to let me help her get dressed (always best dressed) and put her hair in a ponytail. She didn't always like her hair being brushed and pulled up, but we managed.

I'll never forget the day Caelyn, my aunt, and my other cousin came to visit me and Connor a couple of days after Connor was born. It was March of 2006. Upon them leaving, my aunt told me that Caelyn had been having some severe back pain that wouldn't let up and that after tests, the doctors had found a cyst type mass and she had been scheduled for back surgery. Not "my little Caelyn," was my first thought. Long story short, after the doctor's removed the mass, Caelyn was diagnosed with Ewing Sarcoma cancer. At the young age of 17 and on March 17, 2006. A rare form of cancer that only 150-200 people are diagnosed with every year. What lied ahead of Caelyn would test my own faith and the faith of all those who love her. Caelyn endured both chemotherapy and radiation, lost her hair, pushed through the horrific side effects of chemotherapy and still managed to graduate from the Marist School on time. If you know Caelyn, you'd know to expect nothing less! Caelyn's senior year at Marist she was nominated and won Homecoming Queen, bald head and all! Caelyn is an amazing person in so many ways but how she dealt with losing her hair at age 17 is worth writing about. Caelyn and her mom had gone to the best wig shop in town, bought a wig made of real hair and one that would resemble her real hair as close as possible. What I love is that Caelyn decided she didn't want to be bothered with the wig and she shaved what was left of her hair and sported the bald look. She pulled it off beautifully!

Caelyn will reach her five year cancer free anniversary, post chemo, on January 8, 2012. Thank you God for doing what you say you do and healing Caelyn's body!On behalf of Hagie and me, there's another reason why Caelyn is so special to us. When I first started dating Hagie, I didn't tell my family. I feared their reaction and judgement. However, I did tell Caelyn about Hagie. Looking back, this wasn't fair of me to do to Caelyn (be the only family member to know besides my sister)but I had to tell her...she was my sidekick. Caelyn's initial reaction was different than other family members. She passed no judgement and accepted Hagie from the first time she met him. Their first meeting...a meal at Loco's in Buckhead, where he met us for dinner. Caelyn you will never know how much your support and love has meant to us over the years.
I can't write this post without writing about Connor and Caelyn's relationship. Caelyn, despite being busy at UGA, has always made time to get to know Connor and build a special relationship with him. In all honesty, Connor melts when Caelyn is around. His initial name for her was "Cay Cay." As he has gotten older he refers to her as Caelyn. He's even requested that "baby sister's first name should be Caelyn because I love her." Simply precious. Caelyn has found her place in Connor's heart and it's always such a joy to watch the two of them together.


So, why is Caelyn so special to us? She lives her life and stands for all that we want our own little girl to believe in and demonstrate in her own life. Caelyn's faith, even when dealing with cancer, is strong and unwavering. She takes life in stride and recognizes that there is someone greater than herself at work. She's as beautiful on the inside as she is the outside. Caelyn's love and dedication for her family takes precedence over all things. She maintains her priorities and lives her life nonjudgemental of others. Caelyn is a girl's girl when the situation calls for it and she can hang with the guys like the best of them. Sincere, beautiful, athletic, fun, easy-going, and lives life to the fullest.

Caelyn, as you read this, know that it is with purpose and love that Baby Girl Cook will have your name. We love you and are so excited that Baby Cook will have you in her life. You are a blessing to us all and we thank God for you every day.

"Vito"

In school, US and World history were never something I was interested in knowing more about. That's not to say that I don't love my country or that I don't respect those that have fought in the past or those currently fighting. It's just that the details of war, who did what and when, never really kept my attention.

About three weeks ago, Andy Stanley preached a sermon on forgiveness. He recommended that we read "Unbroken," by Laura Hillenbrand (A World War II Story of Survival, Resilience, and Redemption). The WWII vet that the book is written about actually made a visit to Buckhead church. It was an honor. The book was described to us as an account of his experience in war (Army Air Forces), being a POW who was horrifically abused and tortured. It's his account of how he came to forgive the very men that hurt him. Now, those of you who know me well, will immediately recognize that it's not the story of war that caught my interest rather this man's experience of abuse. Once a social worker, always a social worker.

This week I dove into the book, eager to read of his experience and learn a thing or two about forgiveness in the meantime. This book is beyond anything I could have imagined and it's a page turner for sure. I have to force myself to put it down. My definition of a good book! What is shocking is that I've enjoyed reading the first-hand account of war, especially since this hero (Louis Zamperini) was heavily involved in the happenings surrounding Pearl Harbor. The book details some staggering facts that completely blew my mind. I want to share:
~In less than 2 hours over Pearl Harbor, Japan badly wounded the American Navy and killed more than 2400 people.
~In the AAF, there were 52,651 stateside aircraft accidents over the course of war, killing 14,903 personnel (Zamperini referred to the plane he began flying in as "The Flying Coffin").
~In WWII, 35,933 AAF planes were lost in combat and accidents.
~35,946 personnel died in nonbattle situations, the vast majority of them in accidental crashes.
~A report issued by the AAF surgeon general reported that between November 1, 1943 and May 25, 1945, 70% of men listed as killed in action died in operational aircraft accidents, not as a result of enemy action. The problem, in most cases, were the planes.
~WWII has been referred to "a war without funerals."

I'm not just rambling about this book for nothing. The bottom line is that this book has left me thinking about my deceased grandfather,Vito Rappa, who was a WWII Navy vet. This book continues to make me think about my grandfather and what he must have endured during war, on a ship at sea with bombers flying all around and an ocean filled with swarming sharks. Vito was an Italian charmer. He was handsome, proud of the US Navy, and loved his family. Vito had his issues too though. I am convinced that my grandfather suffered with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) every day of his life after returning from war. Like many PTSD sufferers and war vets, Vito came to rely on alcohol, likely his way of self-medicating the memories and anxiety that he was left with after his experiences in war.

Vito never talked a lot about war. In fact, I only have one memory of what he told me about his experience. He told me the hardest part of being in the Navy during the war was that one of his "duties" was to discard the bodies of his deceased mates. He explained that this consisted of throwing the dead bodies overboard into the shark infested Pacific Ocean. The bodies of men that had come to be his compadres and his buddies. I cannot even imagine what that must have been like for him. That's not something you ever forget and he didn't.

In reading "Unbroken," I have come to regret not sitting down with Vito and listening to his stories. What a brave man he was and his experiences shaped the person he was. I should have taken the time to listen, to understand what life was like on that Navy ship, and I didn't. Vito died several years ago and buried with him are his memories of World War II. Memories and experiences that cannot be dug up - perhaps that's the way he wanted it.

Thinking of you Granddad.....

Oh So Delicate

I don't remember worrying about something going wrong during my pregnancy with Connor. Maybe it's because at that time not everyone around me was trying to conceive or already pregnant. Over the past few years, I've been reminded that the beginning of human life is extremely delicate and sometimes God has a plan we don't necessarily understand.

In 2006, I was oblivious to how common miscarriages are, how difficult it is for some couples to conceive and just how precious every week of pregnancy is. I had the experience in 2009-2010 of witnessing one of my best friends go through the emotional toll of trying to conceive. Standing by her side, emotionally, what strength and courage she showed on her long journey that led to fertility treatments. I saw first hand the worry about whether or not she and her husband were even capable of creating and then the anxiety, hope and upset associated with fertility treatments. I couldn't relate but her pain was my pain and her experience was one of two happenings "around" me that reminded me just how little control we have when it comes to conception. I was also humbly reminded of just how fortunate I am to have had an easy time conceiving. I am thankful for being witness to her experience.

A second event occured to someone who is an acquaintance but the experience affected someone dear and close to my heart. This acquaintance miscarried at about 22 weeks gestation. How devastating for her and her family. Yet again, something before hearing of her experience, had not been something within my scope. For the majority of people walking around, it isn't even a thought that there are women every day dealing with the loss of a child either in the womb or shortly after delivery. For me, it's on my radar and has altered my own thinking regarding pregnancy and loss.

Because of the experiences of people around me, throughout my current pregnancy, I continue to be very aware that being able to conceive and carry a child is indeed a blessing and one not to be taken lightly. After each appointment to check on Baby Girl Cook, I breathe a sigh of relief and thank God for a healthy baby and a pregnancy that is being protected by someone far greater than me. None of us are meant to understand the why and why nots of life but we can learn from our own experiences and the experiences of others. It's the experiences like I have mentioned that force us to look beyond ourselves and attempt to accept that in all actuality, at the end of the day we have very little control over most things in our lives. That's a difficult one. I guess that's why I spend a lot of time with my clients teaching them the importance of using their energy to work on the things they can control and accept those things in life that are simply out of their realm of power.

So, in moving forward, with each kick I feel and heartbeat I hear, I am full of gratitude. Grateful for a process that is completely out of my control and one that cannot be explained.

*Pic taken from internet.