Christmas Mommy

Christmas is almost here! Christmas is definitely my favorite time of year. I love the hustle and bustle, spending time with family, wrapping gifts that have been picked out with much thought, and decorating our home. OH...I almost forgot to mention the yummy food and treats! This year Christmas has special meaning because its the first year that Connor actually has somewhat of a clue as to what happens on Christmas. For most, Christmas is a time to celebrate the birthday of Christ. Connor hasn't quite grasped that concept yet though we have been reading "The Christmas Story" that Nana bought him his first Christmas. Instead, he is most excited about all of the Christmas lights and he specifically points out each and every snowman, Santa and reindeer we pass on our daily routes. I love this....he'll say "Look Mommy, its Christmas mommy Christmas!" Words cannot describe how utterly cute his little voice sounds when he says Christmas in his own lil way. It melts my heart. He'll often say "Mommy...Santa brings presents Mommy!"

I look forward to waking up on Christmas day to see his precious little face when he sees that Santa did visit him and leave him some goodies. He'll be thrilled to see that Santa is well aware that chocolate is his most favorite thing! That's my boy!

Cluttered but Happy....

I am sitting on the couch looking at the absolute mess in my house and dreaming of the day renovations are complete and my house can be neat and orderly! Hubby and I live in a three bedroom one bath house that we outgrew the day we moved in. That's okay...its our little abode! And right now...its unorganized and messy and desperately calling out for a good cleaning! We began work on our house about two months ago...new roof, yard detailing, new crown molding and trim and new interior paint. My poor husband was working out of town during the week and then coming home on the weekends to do more work! I appreciate him for that more than he knows. Thankfully, we have recently had the opportunity to have "workers" come to the house to do the renovations instead of Hag having to do them himself....what a difference it makes! Now he gets to come home on the weekends and not necessarily have to work equally as hard as he does when he is out of town. I am rambling about this because I have definitely realized that clutter and disorganziation adds to my anxiety and makes me extremely irritable. I have the desire to have a clean and organized home that is always ready for company. Lately, it's been so unorganized because of the renovations that I look at the house and feel completely overwhelmed with where to start the clean up and organization. Not to mention that having a little guy in the house doesn't help...don't worry I am not ready to turn him...I think I'll keep him :) So I write this entry with hopes and dreams of a super organized, clean house with all the latest in interior design and maybe even warm cookies coming out of the oven just in case we have company. And well, if we don't have company, I'll take care of the cookies!

Thoughts on Food

Okay...so I have joined Weight Watchers again! Every time I try to diet it forces me to think about my relationship with food..yep that's right...I have an intimate relationship with food. Not just any food but fattening and sugary foods. Pre Weight Watchers, there was nothing like a juicy hamburger from Five Guys, a slice of cheesecake from Cheesecake Factory or a number 1 meal from Chick-fil-a. Let me not forget the sweets that always call my name such as chocolate-peanut butter ice cream, cinnamon rolls, candy and anything chocolate I can get my hands on!

Yes, I enjoy food but even more so I think eating is something I do when bored or anxious, it makes me feel better. It's hard to admit but food often does for me what alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, and other unhealthy vices do for others....it is satisfying for the moment but afterwards I end up angry that I couldn't stop at one cookie...why did I need 3 cookies???

And so my weight loss journey has begun. I am excited. I love the way I feel when I lose weight..I love wearing the skinnier clothes and not worrying about whether or not my stomach and thighs looks too big.

Stay tuned...hopefully I'll be able to report progress in the upcoming weeks!

Random Thoughts of Thanksgiving

For those of you that will read this, Thanksgiving is filled with more food than we can eat, comfy sofas to lounge on after we eat too much and family and friends surround us most of the day. Today, though my thoughts are on the things I am most thankful for (keep reading for this), I also keep thinking about those people in our society that don't have Thanksgiving to look forward to nor do they feel they have a list of things to be thankful for. This bothers me. I think of the homeless that will stand in line with strangers, hoping to get a warm meal before the turkey runs out. I think about the poverty stricken single-parent households in which many mothers will choose to use the majority of their month's food stamps to put a complete Thanksgiving meal on the table for her children. I think about the children growing up in our area's homeless shelters that have questions for their parents on why they live in a shelter and not in an apartment or house like the other kids at school. I think about a select group of my clients that do not have family in the area and will spend Thanksgiving home alone as their depression sinks to depths in which it no longer seems manageable. All of these thoughts went in and out of my head today as I watched my own family make multiple "to-go" plates because there was so much food leftover. I don't bring up these thoughts to bring you down. I only want to acknowledge my thoughts in regards to the less fortunate because they are human...just like us. I know that it's not my job or yours to "fix" our society or bring happiness to all. But I do think as God's children we should have hearts that are empathetic towards the less fortunate. I pray for this group of people, they have feelings and circumstances that most of us will never have to experience.

On a happier note, I am thankful for so many things. I am learning to feel God's presence each day and today I know he is present because he continues to provide for me and has blessed me in so many ways. I am thankful for:

• my healthy, happy little boy who brings joy to my life each and every day
• my hard-working husband that travels each week to provide our family with opportunities
• growing up in a family in which all I ever knew and felt was love and got to wake up every day knowing that my parents loved me and were going to do whatever it took to take care of me and my sister
• my sister who is my bestest friend, who listens and always takes my side :)
• that I have a job that I absolutely love and a chance to build a private practice
• Connor having a nana and pawpaw who adore him and show him unconditional love each and every time they spend time with him
• that I have friends who "get me," listen without judging, and are always dependable
• Chloe...who keeps me and Connor company and stands guard each week
• my stepson who seems to have made a turn for the better
• that I serve a God that is faithful, loving, and always there

That is just a few of the things that I am thankful for each day. I often have some of my clients keep "gratitude" journals to remind them of the positive things in their lives each day....doesn't seem like such a bad idea for all of us!

Laugh and Cry

This has been a week full of laughs accompanied by a few moments that were not so fun. One thing I have learned about being a mom its to enjoy the funny moments, savor every minute of them and allow myself to laugh. My son provides me with many, many laughs....

I am always up for company when my husband travels so this week my sister came to spend the night one evening and out to dinner we went. Dining with Connor is a challenge at best. He does not eat like most toddlers (a whole other post would be necessary to explain) so he is easily bored and hasn't quite accepted the idea of sitting quietly at the table while others attempt to enjoy their meal. Sometimes I think that myself and those I dine with must like rushed, stressed meals because despite Connor's challenging behaviors at restaurants we continue to dine out.

On this particular night, Connor must have sensed that we needed to be entertained. So, after climbing up and down, underneath the table, throwing his crayons on the floor, and attempting to walk across the table....he decided to do a strip tease! My lil boo stood up on the bench and pulled his pants down to his knees. Ok, yes, it was inappropriate for us to laugh...but we just couldn't help it. There my lil guy stood, pants around his ankles and dancing like it's normal to take your pants down at the dinner table. Once I composed myself, I pulled his pants up and redirected his behavior only for him to do it again. What this says about my child I have no idea...but golly it was funny! Connor must have enjoyed making mommy and Aunt Kelli laugh because the laughs continued once we got in the car. Connor proceeded to tell us that he was sleepy. I thanked him for telling me and told him we'd be home soon. My lil buddy proceeded to play like he was asleep and began fake snoring in his car seat....I am gonna blame that one on Hagie....I would never snore :)

So despite the difficulty I had eating crab legs while my lil guy climbed on me, snuggled with me, danced and took his clothes off, and hid under the table, the evening was enjoyable! I love to watch him and even more so, I love the feeling when I can just look at him and think "that's my boy!"
*Note to self...don't order crab legs when dining with a toddler!

I am glad for the funny moments this week because taking Connor to get his flu shot was definitely NOT FUN. I have taken him the past two years and I don't remember it being as bad. Connor is getting old enough to know when "something is up" and definitely caught on to something when the nurse asked me to take his pants off. I just knew Connor was thinking "now I can take my pants off to dance, but I am not so sure about taking them off so you can stick me." As if I wasn't feeling bad enough, knowing that the nurse was about to hurt my baby, he started yelling "help me daddy, help me." This broke my heart. He wanted his daddy (who wasn't at the appt) to save him from what his "bad" mommy was about to have done to him. And then the shot came! I had to hold down his arms and legs to keep him from moving and thought to myself..how scary for my lil guy...I wouldn't want someone holding me down either! After holding my lil guy, reassuring him that it was going to be okay, and letting him pick out a sticker...all was calm. Just a few minutes of screaming. But I imagine, like most mothers, hearing your child cry because something or someone has hurt them is a horrible feeling. One that I know I will experience much more as he gets older but one that never gets any easier!

I'm a "second-mom" too!

This weekend my stepson came to visit. We haven't seen him for several months for various reasons, none of which are really important to this blog. What is important is how much I love this kid. This one will be quick, just a little insight into the thoughts and feelings I experience each time I get to spend time with Vic.

I remember when I met my husband I had no idea that he had a child, a ten-year old at the time. But when I did find out, which was only about two weeks into our dating relationship, I didn't run, didn't try to play momma and committed myself to being in this child's life if it were meant for me. Sure it was scary at first....I certainly wasn't looking for any "baby momma drama" and definitely knew that I would have to be extremely careful and not try and act like his mother. He has a mother. Although not his mother, I knew that I would be a positive, nurturing force in his life. Needless to say, I love this kid like I birthed him. He's a teenager now, so obviously, we have had difficult times but like most mothers would say, it doesn't change my love and desire for his life to be safe and fulfilling.

Mothering a teenager is fun. Ok...so it comes with its worries too but the relationship between a teenage child and his parents is a unique one. I'd like to consider myself a "pretty cool" stepmom to have and easy to talk to...thus why Vic and I have always been able to talk openly about all things. Vic and I use the phrase that I am his "second mom." Today has been no different. Although I haven't seen him for several months, we haven't skipped a beat. Our afternoon chat has consisted of topics from past drug use , to girls, to family, to the importance of making good decisions and how actions bring consequences...good or bad. I know...I just gave myself away as the clinical social worker that I am! That's ok....I am good at it :) What I love is that I can sit and listen to Vic without judgment, loving him for who he is, and offer a listening ear and advice when he wants it. I have to be honest, I love that this almost seventeen year old kid feels safe enough with me to talk about "teenage stuff" and seems to be interested in the feedback I have to offer. It's an amazing feeling. Man I hate that he's not around more!

Rested!

Well Hello! Today is a great day. Today is definitely related to the peaceful night I had last night! Let me set the stage: yesterday my lil one and I had a play date which went well and was fun for all. Afterwards, we spent time together at home putting a puzzle together and playing cars (this was after my attempt to get him to nap which was to no prevail). By 4:30 my lil buddy was extremely grumpy and definitely tired. Here we go I thought to myself. He was whining, wanted a snack but didn't know what he wanted and of course he wasn't going to try something new , and wanted to watch a movie instead of the local news, which happens to be my fave. Obviously I don't expect my toddler to find joy in the local news but is it too much to ask that he play with one of his gazillion toys in the house while I watch the news? I am proud to say that I won the battle and watched my news while entertaining him with his jungle animals. By 6pm, I had made it through the rough spots and it was time to bathe my little guy. By this point I was definitely smiling.......one more hour or so and I am "good to go." So I bathed the lil guy, feed him his last round of bites and put in a movie for him to settle down to. I think we've seen All Dogs Go To Heaven at least 15 times this week. No exaggeration! Just as I expected he fell asleep and was out for the count by 7:15pm! WOW!

My husband is out of town so I had the television to myself; if you know my husband, you know that we don't always enjoy the same shows so the thought of getting to watch a couple hours of "my shows" on the big tv was thrilling to say the least. No sci-fi, no CNN/MSNBC, no superhero movies etc! So there I sat, in my pj's watching DVR'd shows of Desperate Housewives, Brothers and Sisters, The Mentalist, and Lipstick Jungle. For a brief second, I didn't really know what to do with myself....there was no toddler to attend to, no necessary phone calls to make, no paperwork to do and no housework that couldn't wait. This feeling left me as quickly as it came as I curled up for a peaceful evening. I enjoyed all the junk food in the house, having no real dinner. I had cheez-its, Halloween candy, popcorn, and I couldn't resist the last donut! By 11pm, I had caught up on my shows and nestled into bed to read a couple chapters in my book. I called my husband to tell him goodnight and that I loved him and slipped off into peaceful sleep. Wow...if every night could look something like this one. The only thing that could have made it better would have been to share it with my hard-working hubby!

So..that leads us to today. My lil guy slept through the night and woke up at 7am and I jumped right out of bed to start the day. What a great feeling! We both had restful sleep and woke up in good moods. The morning wasn't rushed, I even had time to fold some laundry before heading to work. Once we got in the car to head out, we were greeted on the radio by one of my favorite Chris Tomlin songs that totally makes my heart feel light and takes away all worries. It was then that I knew this day was going to be swell!