Part of the reason I chose to begin a blog was so that I can document every day moments that no one else sees and also moments that I never want to forget.
Enjoying a lazy day after Christmas in our pj's, all playing and resting in our own way, I decided to have a DVR marathon, most of which included multiple episodes of Grey's Anatomy that have gone unwatched while the days have come and gone with the stress of daily life.
To set the scene, I was laying on the couch in my new pj's, Hagie was asleep on the other couch and Connor was busy playing with many new toys that include a giant fire truck, a dump truck named "Rocky," and a really loud race track. As usual, the tears started flowing as I watched episode after episode of one of the most emotional shows on television, Grey's. My sweet, observant boy came up to me and this is an account of our conversation:
Connor: "Mommy, what's wrong, are you sad?
Me: "Mommy's not sad because of you, mommy's watching a sad show on tv."
Connor: "Mommy I'll give you a hug and you won't be sad anymore and I'll clean you up."
Me: "Connor, mommy is ok and mommy always likes hugs from you!"
Connor: "I'll be right back....(Connor runs down the hall and comes back with tissue.)
Connor: "Here mommy, I wipe your eyes and clean you up and you'll feel better."
How precious is my little guy! I love that he has such a sweet spirit about him and I love that he loves hugs!!
Note to self: Don't watch emotional shows in front of Connor so not to confuse him as to why mommy is sitting on the couch crying.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Lifetime Achievement
Just a quick update on my weight loss journey. Back in November, I met my goal weight and maintained it long enough to earn "lifetime" membership to Weight Watchers. I feel great about myself for this achievement. Not only do I like my body again :), but I feel better and exercise does wonders for my emotional and physical health.
So the next step is this: weigh in once a month, stay within 2 pounds either way of my set goal weight and I don't have to pay. Fantastic!!
The best part is that I am healthier, no more blood pressure medication and I get to wear cuter, sexier clothes. What's so bad about that!
So the next step is this: weigh in once a month, stay within 2 pounds either way of my set goal weight and I don't have to pay. Fantastic!!
The best part is that I am healthier, no more blood pressure medication and I get to wear cuter, sexier clothes. What's so bad about that!
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
A Celebration of Two Lives
Last Wednesday, November 25, 2009, was a day of sadness and joy. Sad because I attended the funeral of Page Walden. Joyous because I got to spend time with my family celebrating the 21st birthday of my most favorite cousin (shhh, don't tell), Caelyn Elizabeth Brady.
After battling cancer off and on since 1990, Page Walden was finally called home. Her family did such a beautiful job planning her Celebration of Life ceremony. It was a tribute to the woman, mother,grandmother, survivor, mentor, teacher, wife, and friend Page was to so many. Although I have already written some about Page, because she meant so much to me, I feel inclined to share just why she was so awesome and important to me over the years. Page was the type of woman I would love to be. She lived life in the moment, never fearful or anxious about what the next corner would bring. She was an amazing woman who was so grounded in her faith that she never questioned her diagnosis, which she knew would eventually take her life. To quote Page when I visited with her at Emory only a short three weeks ago, "well, I guess I don't have a choice but to keep on fighting." This was in response to my statement "it shouldn't be you." Page's Celebration of Life ceremony focused on two key points:
Page fought the good fight and a quote that Page had written down in her address book some time during her journey..."Life might not be the party we hoped for...
But while we are here, we might as well dance!" I appreciate Dan Walden sharing this quote with so many of us that loved Page. It sums her view of life up perfectly. It is my goal for 2010 to live my life the way Page did. Not worrying about tomorrow or next week, but enjoying today, live in the moment, and trust that my heavenly father has a plan for me that will be revealed as he sees fit! Thanks Page for being such a role model and amazing woman in so many ways.
Now on to the more happy part of November 25th. My little cousin Caelyn turned 21! Talk about feeling old. Caelyn turning 21 definitely made me feel ancient as I used to keep her while my aunt and uncle traveled(getting snowed in during the "blizzard" of 1994), often picked her up from school or spent weekend nights with her while her parents were out. I can remember even taking her to holiday carnivals and having a blast. Caelyn at her young age also represents strength and courage as she too has had to fight cancer. What a pleasure it was to get to celebrate with her friends and family and toast to many more years of health and happiness. God has a plan for this young lady and I cannot wait to see what it is! Caelyn is a beautiful young lady with intelligence,style,class, and a spirit like no other 21 year old I've met! Can you tell I just love her!?!
The birthday celebration consisted of a champagne toast, dinner at Ecco, and bar hopping with the youngsters. Yes...us older members of the group hung in there til 1am!! Did I mention we rode in style down Peachtree in an 18 person red Hummer limousine! I loved every minute of it!
What a memorable day November 25th, 2009 was for me. The celebration of two lives, two strong females...one who fought the good fight and danced until she was called to be an angel and the other the life of a youngster who also means so much to so many of us and we celebrate her good health and the genuine young lady she is and look forward to seeing what the future holds for her! Thanks Caelyn for allowing me to be a part of your day!
After battling cancer off and on since 1990, Page Walden was finally called home. Her family did such a beautiful job planning her Celebration of Life ceremony. It was a tribute to the woman, mother,grandmother, survivor, mentor, teacher, wife, and friend Page was to so many. Although I have already written some about Page, because she meant so much to me, I feel inclined to share just why she was so awesome and important to me over the years. Page was the type of woman I would love to be. She lived life in the moment, never fearful or anxious about what the next corner would bring. She was an amazing woman who was so grounded in her faith that she never questioned her diagnosis, which she knew would eventually take her life. To quote Page when I visited with her at Emory only a short three weeks ago, "well, I guess I don't have a choice but to keep on fighting." This was in response to my statement "it shouldn't be you." Page's Celebration of Life ceremony focused on two key points:
Page fought the good fight and a quote that Page had written down in her address book some time during her journey..."Life might not be the party we hoped for...
But while we are here, we might as well dance!" I appreciate Dan Walden sharing this quote with so many of us that loved Page. It sums her view of life up perfectly. It is my goal for 2010 to live my life the way Page did. Not worrying about tomorrow or next week, but enjoying today, live in the moment, and trust that my heavenly father has a plan for me that will be revealed as he sees fit! Thanks Page for being such a role model and amazing woman in so many ways.
Now on to the more happy part of November 25th. My little cousin Caelyn turned 21! Talk about feeling old. Caelyn turning 21 definitely made me feel ancient as I used to keep her while my aunt and uncle traveled(getting snowed in during the "blizzard" of 1994), often picked her up from school or spent weekend nights with her while her parents were out. I can remember even taking her to holiday carnivals and having a blast. Caelyn at her young age also represents strength and courage as she too has had to fight cancer. What a pleasure it was to get to celebrate with her friends and family and toast to many more years of health and happiness. God has a plan for this young lady and I cannot wait to see what it is! Caelyn is a beautiful young lady with intelligence,style,class, and a spirit like no other 21 year old I've met! Can you tell I just love her!?!
The birthday celebration consisted of a champagne toast, dinner at Ecco, and bar hopping with the youngsters. Yes...us older members of the group hung in there til 1am!! Did I mention we rode in style down Peachtree in an 18 person red Hummer limousine! I loved every minute of it!
What a memorable day November 25th, 2009 was for me. The celebration of two lives, two strong females...one who fought the good fight and danced until she was called to be an angel and the other the life of a youngster who also means so much to so many of us and we celebrate her good health and the genuine young lady she is and look forward to seeing what the future holds for her! Thanks Caelyn for allowing me to be a part of your day!
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Just an Update
First to my readers that I talk to daily and for those that I only get to talk to every once in a while, thanks for all the emotional support lately.
My friend Page Walden is now at Atlanta Hospice, resting comfortably and will likely meet her heavenly father within the next few days. Her family has such strength and faith and they are an inspiration to me. They are doing as well as can be expected knowing that Page will live on after her time here with us. Her footprints will forever be seen!
Secondly, after talking to my mom and my aunt, I have taken steps towards my "big picture." It's hard for me to let go of control but I am going on faith with this one and pray that I can find peace knowing that all will be taken care of, even if it's not "Stacie's" way. So, I have sent an email to the head doctor here at the practice letting him know that as of January 1, 2010, I will go back to working only three full days a week, no Saturdays. I have made this decision for several reasons. One, taking care of a almost 4yr old and an 18yr old is no joke. Add working full-time to the mix and Hagie not being home and you have a very stressed out, anxious Stacie. That is not what I want for my life. I also made the decision because Hagie and I look forward to expanding our family one day soon and to add a baby to the mix will require good health, patience and as little stress as possible. I have to begin minimizing now!
A direct quote from my aunt yesterday, or as direct as I can remember while I was in my sad mode, "you can't get back the time with your kids, you'll have time to work later." So I am trying to embrace this and remind myself that at the age of 33 I don't have to be therapist of the year, nor do I have to bring in an astronomical income and as much as I'd LOVE a bigger house, God will provide the means to do so when it's time.
So I am leaping, slowly, but leaping. And holding on to the faith I have to understand that the decisions I make today will work themselves out in the future.
I am looking forward to seeing what 2010 brings and looking forward to a lot less stress....and I suppose fewer trips to Target :)
My friend Page Walden is now at Atlanta Hospice, resting comfortably and will likely meet her heavenly father within the next few days. Her family has such strength and faith and they are an inspiration to me. They are doing as well as can be expected knowing that Page will live on after her time here with us. Her footprints will forever be seen!
Secondly, after talking to my mom and my aunt, I have taken steps towards my "big picture." It's hard for me to let go of control but I am going on faith with this one and pray that I can find peace knowing that all will be taken care of, even if it's not "Stacie's" way. So, I have sent an email to the head doctor here at the practice letting him know that as of January 1, 2010, I will go back to working only three full days a week, no Saturdays. I have made this decision for several reasons. One, taking care of a almost 4yr old and an 18yr old is no joke. Add working full-time to the mix and Hagie not being home and you have a very stressed out, anxious Stacie. That is not what I want for my life. I also made the decision because Hagie and I look forward to expanding our family one day soon and to add a baby to the mix will require good health, patience and as little stress as possible. I have to begin minimizing now!
A direct quote from my aunt yesterday, or as direct as I can remember while I was in my sad mode, "you can't get back the time with your kids, you'll have time to work later." So I am trying to embrace this and remind myself that at the age of 33 I don't have to be therapist of the year, nor do I have to bring in an astronomical income and as much as I'd LOVE a bigger house, God will provide the means to do so when it's time.
So I am leaping, slowly, but leaping. And holding on to the faith I have to understand that the decisions I make today will work themselves out in the future.
I am looking forward to seeing what 2010 brings and looking forward to a lot less stress....and I suppose fewer trips to Target :)
Saturday, November 14, 2009
A Celebration for Victor P
Today is Victor's 18th birthday! I haven't been around for the entirety of his 18 years but the seven that I have been around I wouldn't trade them in for anything. Well...maybe just a little less stress! But he's worth it. I can do it!
Hagie and I planned a surprise celebration for him at Dave and Busters. I sincerely think this was the first year of his life that anyone made a big deal about his birthday. Sad. Poor guy, knew he was in for something when I walked in his room this morning and told him that he had an hour to get ready and that he'd be riding blindfolded. His response: "You can't be serious!"
Waiting for him at D&B were the Cook's and the Chisolm's to celebrate him! Fun was had by all and Victor always enjoys spending time with his cousins, after many years of not getting to see them very regularly. Vic racked up on cash and gift cards and walked out of there a happy camper.
I salute Vic. He has had to endure a lot in his short life, none of it his fault and nothing a child should have to go through. Over the past couple of months I have been able to watch him set goals for himself, show his "big brother" skills, and enjoy being a part of a functioning family.
My prayer for Victor P during the next year is that he will fully understand that he is loved unconditionally, that he has a team of parents that will emotionally support him until the end and that it's OK to be him.
So Cheers (with a Sprite of course...Vic's favorite) to my most favorite step-son!
Hagie and I planned a surprise celebration for him at Dave and Busters. I sincerely think this was the first year of his life that anyone made a big deal about his birthday. Sad. Poor guy, knew he was in for something when I walked in his room this morning and told him that he had an hour to get ready and that he'd be riding blindfolded. His response: "You can't be serious!"
Waiting for him at D&B were the Cook's and the Chisolm's to celebrate him! Fun was had by all and Victor always enjoys spending time with his cousins, after many years of not getting to see them very regularly. Vic racked up on cash and gift cards and walked out of there a happy camper.
I salute Vic. He has had to endure a lot in his short life, none of it his fault and nothing a child should have to go through. Over the past couple of months I have been able to watch him set goals for himself, show his "big brother" skills, and enjoy being a part of a functioning family.
My prayer for Victor P during the next year is that he will fully understand that he is loved unconditionally, that he has a team of parents that will emotionally support him until the end and that it's OK to be him.
So Cheers (with a Sprite of course...Vic's favorite) to my most favorite step-son!
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
My Hurting Heart
Please excuse this post as it is likely to be somewhat depressing but I am "journaling" as if I would in my own private journal. My heart is heavy and I want to just allow my stream of consciousness to flow so that I may gain understanding and peace.
For many of you that read my posts, the name Page Walden won't ring a bell. For others, those of you who have known me many, many years, Page is the mother of Zack. Zack was my first love.
Many years ago, 17 to be exact, Page and Dan welcomed me into their home and family as if I was one of their own. I have so many fond memories of Page and Dan that include Dan cooking Sunday dinners, looking through the Sunday AJC with the family, going to movies and plays with Page without Zach and Dan,or tender moments with Dan as we discussed old cars and discussed our mutual worries about Zack. I was even a hostess at their daughter, Katy's wedding. Even after Zach and I called it quits off and on, I continued to enjoy a glass of chardonnay with Page when we could meet for dinner. The relationship I had with the Walden's is one that will never be repeated and is so hard to explain even through examples.
Page has always been such a tender, spunky spirit. Any time spent with Page is sure to be fun and exciting. Her love and empathy for others is amazing and she continues to touch so many through her volunteer work and cancer survivor support groups.
My heart is heavy as I sit here in tears. Page has battled cancer off and on since 1990. I met her in 1992. She is such a fighter and has beaten cancer in the past against odds. God has truly held her in his hand and I know that he continues to hold her. Tears flow as I have learned this week that they have found tumors on her brain. My heart aches as I pray for her as well as her amazing family. How difficult this must be for them. Page is currently at Emory Hospital while the doctors run more tests and develop a treatment strategy. I get to visit with her this week and I am so eager to hug her neck! And Dan's too!
I try and control my tears but they flow so I let them. I cry because it just doesn't seem fair. I cry because I continue to see the impact cancer makes on people I love and people that I work with in therapy. Cancer sucks! I cry because I worry about how Zack is dealing with his mom's illness. I cry because Dan is a strong christian man who has stood by his wife for so many years and how his own heart is broken at the thought and reality of Page having to undergo more treatment. I cry because in the past years when Page and I have been out of touch we shouldn't have been. I cry because cancer is real and it impacts families every day and unless we are one of them, we have no idea how it feels to be them. I can imagine though that it is terrifying, creates anger and sadness and leaves the family of someone battling cancer feeling absolutely helpless.
I close knowing that God is holding Page in the palm of his hand and that he will continue to be in control of her body...as he has been since 1990. I pray Page continues to fight and that her family feels a blanket of comfort that can only come from someone far greater than any of us.
For many of you that read my posts, the name Page Walden won't ring a bell. For others, those of you who have known me many, many years, Page is the mother of Zack. Zack was my first love.
Many years ago, 17 to be exact, Page and Dan welcomed me into their home and family as if I was one of their own. I have so many fond memories of Page and Dan that include Dan cooking Sunday dinners, looking through the Sunday AJC with the family, going to movies and plays with Page without Zach and Dan,or tender moments with Dan as we discussed old cars and discussed our mutual worries about Zack. I was even a hostess at their daughter, Katy's wedding. Even after Zach and I called it quits off and on, I continued to enjoy a glass of chardonnay with Page when we could meet for dinner. The relationship I had with the Walden's is one that will never be repeated and is so hard to explain even through examples.
Page has always been such a tender, spunky spirit. Any time spent with Page is sure to be fun and exciting. Her love and empathy for others is amazing and she continues to touch so many through her volunteer work and cancer survivor support groups.
My heart is heavy as I sit here in tears. Page has battled cancer off and on since 1990. I met her in 1992. She is such a fighter and has beaten cancer in the past against odds. God has truly held her in his hand and I know that he continues to hold her. Tears flow as I have learned this week that they have found tumors on her brain. My heart aches as I pray for her as well as her amazing family. How difficult this must be for them. Page is currently at Emory Hospital while the doctors run more tests and develop a treatment strategy. I get to visit with her this week and I am so eager to hug her neck! And Dan's too!
I try and control my tears but they flow so I let them. I cry because it just doesn't seem fair. I cry because I continue to see the impact cancer makes on people I love and people that I work with in therapy. Cancer sucks! I cry because I worry about how Zack is dealing with his mom's illness. I cry because Dan is a strong christian man who has stood by his wife for so many years and how his own heart is broken at the thought and reality of Page having to undergo more treatment. I cry because in the past years when Page and I have been out of touch we shouldn't have been. I cry because cancer is real and it impacts families every day and unless we are one of them, we have no idea how it feels to be them. I can imagine though that it is terrifying, creates anger and sadness and leaves the family of someone battling cancer feeling absolutely helpless.
I close knowing that God is holding Page in the palm of his hand and that he will continue to be in control of her body...as he has been since 1990. I pray Page continues to fight and that her family feels a blanket of comfort that can only come from someone far greater than any of us.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Pouting for Nothing....
I was just talking to Hagie about how I seldom get feedback from my "favorite" people on my blog and he says..."are you sure, I send something to you every time you post?" So I did some looking around on gmail and realized that some of you do offer feedback and I just wasn't getting it because your comments were going straight to my gmail email acct which I don't use. I only have the gmail account because I had to create it for the blog.
All that being said, I just read many comments made by my hubby, Amy and my aunt...and I have to say tears came to my eyes. For one, I felt bad because I immediately thought all of you must think I am ignoring your comments and secondly because I realized how much I value feedback from the people I love the most.
Interestingly, I was just reading a comment my favorite aunt made in relation to my post about Connor wanting me to "build him a baby." I became tearful. Tears came to my eyes because I know that I want another baby and tears because I know there are no circumstances in this world that would make me regret having another child. My aunt commented "you'll never regret having children, but you will regret waiting." Thank you Aunt Donna for giving me a reality check. I totally agree with you. Connor has added so much to my life and the lives of those that are lucky enough to know my little crew member. I cannot think about my life without him. And what I realized is that while I sit around and worry and try to plan for perfect timing I am reminded that there will never be a perfect time and the world goes on. So what in the heck am I doing??? I know without a doubt that I am meant to be a mother and my God continues to speak to me in ways that only whisper...Stacie look at the big picture...or as my father would say...Boo keep your eye on the prize. Stated simply, the big picture is that I do want another child, I do want Connor to have a younger brother or sister and I'd love for Vic to have the opportunity to be around to watch another younger sibling grow and look up to him.
All this being said, I am one step closer to surrendering to my "big picture" and accepting that if I continue to wait til the perfect time I will never move forward.
Thanks Hagie, Amy, Elantrice and Aunt Donna for your feedback. I love you all!
All that being said, I just read many comments made by my hubby, Amy and my aunt...and I have to say tears came to my eyes. For one, I felt bad because I immediately thought all of you must think I am ignoring your comments and secondly because I realized how much I value feedback from the people I love the most.
Interestingly, I was just reading a comment my favorite aunt made in relation to my post about Connor wanting me to "build him a baby." I became tearful. Tears came to my eyes because I know that I want another baby and tears because I know there are no circumstances in this world that would make me regret having another child. My aunt commented "you'll never regret having children, but you will regret waiting." Thank you Aunt Donna for giving me a reality check. I totally agree with you. Connor has added so much to my life and the lives of those that are lucky enough to know my little crew member. I cannot think about my life without him. And what I realized is that while I sit around and worry and try to plan for perfect timing I am reminded that there will never be a perfect time and the world goes on. So what in the heck am I doing??? I know without a doubt that I am meant to be a mother and my God continues to speak to me in ways that only whisper...Stacie look at the big picture...or as my father would say...Boo keep your eye on the prize. Stated simply, the big picture is that I do want another child, I do want Connor to have a younger brother or sister and I'd love for Vic to have the opportunity to be around to watch another younger sibling grow and look up to him.
All this being said, I am one step closer to surrendering to my "big picture" and accepting that if I continue to wait til the perfect time I will never move forward.
Thanks Hagie, Amy, Elantrice and Aunt Donna for your feedback. I love you all!
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