Untitled Hurt

*Disclaimer: If you are easily offended by offensive language, expression of strong emotion and think you will feel the need to lecture...you should probably skip this post and wait on the next one! This one is raw. I admit it's reactive. These are just my thoughts. I must also say, this entry will come off as judgemental and well...it is. I'm human and I'm not proud of feeling judgemental but this is all I've got for today!

The past two days have by far been the most difficult days for me as a stepparent. Oh let me list the emotions that I felt the past 36 hours:

pissed off
betrayed
unappreciated
hurt
sad
infuriated
misunderstood
taken advantage of
anxious
distracted
alone
hate

I am sure there are more to add to that list but I'll stop there. My emotions are directed at Victor and the piece of crap female who gave birth to him who calls herself a mother. A "mother" that has been full of broken promises, neglect, drug abuse, lies, selfishness, and an unacceptable example to name a few. In my opinion, the title "mom" or "mother" is earned and not one that is automatic because you have managed to carry a child and give birth. Me, however, the "stepmother" who has done everything for this child except push him out of my own body is the one that gets hurt, taken advantage of and left to feel feelings that in my opinion no one can understand unless you've been a step-parent and loved another child as your own.

Victor's behaviors and lack of motivation are infuriating to me. I have worked since I was 14. That's already 20 years I've put into the work force and we can't seem to get Victor to freaking apply for a part-time job! I blame his mother for this....always looking for a handout and "woe is me." I digress....

Today has pushed me to the edge. After discovering that Victor decided it was a good plan to skip three classes yesterday, three that he is currently failing, he seemed to think that "a weekend of freedom was deserved." Wow...really, cause I could of sworn you chose your freedom yesterday when you skipped school to smoke weed! The information of Victor skipping school started a downward spiral that continues. After being told he could not spend the weekend with relatives in Forsyth...the environment that we worked so hard to get him out of....he in turn gets a ride without permission and sent me a text to say "I just got a ride to Justin's. So, I will be home Sunday. I hope you understand. Love, Victor." WHAT...ARE YOU KIDDING ME! No I don't understand and now I feel completely betrayed and like my hands are tied behind my back watching a child I love make all the wrong decisions.

More of the lovely text messages I had the privilege of receiving from him today include:
"Thanks for ruining my weekend."
"Nah forget it, I'm going up there on my own."
"Thanks for making everything shit. Might see you later tonight probably not."

The last one did me in. I am the most consistent, available, hands on parent he has had his entire life and "I made everything shit." This comes after I took him and his "girlfriend" to dinner on my dime, bought him new fall clothes two weeks ago so he could feel good about himself, spend countless hours sitting on the front steps talking to him about his depression because he doesn't feel like he can talk to anyone else, take him to handle things like dental work that his own mother never took the time to do, and "I have made everything shit." I don't sit around and get high in front of him, I don't take his child support and spend it on myself (not that SHE pays a dime), I don't neglect his feelings, I don't pick men and relationships over him, I'm not selfish and I sacrifice everyday for him and I keep my word. His words today have been a dagger to my heart.

I am tired of people telling me to let it go. I'm tired of hearing there's nothing I can do. I'm a smart girl...I know I cannot control an 18yr old who is determined to make every possible bad decision he can make despite the current positive, loving environment he is in. I love this kid. Nine years ago I made the decision to love him as if he is mine. Did he ask me to do that...no, I made that decision. And now I'm paying for it with all the raw emotions as if my own biological child has betrayed my love and kindness.

I've cried, packed up the new clothes I bought him, have plans to remove the television and all extras out of his room and had his cell phone cut off immediately. He's evidently grown so he should probably get a JOB to pay for his own damn phone and clothes. Yep, I am reactive. Tomorrow is likely to be a very different post. But I sure feel better just getting all of this out. We shall see if he returns home on Sunday or if he yet again makes another detrimental decision and decides to stay in Forsyth and quit his senior year. Until then, I will worry, be angry, be sad, and continue to fester in my emotions.

Just let me be....