"Ouch"

I have been in private practice for two years now and working in the clinical field for over 12 years. One main trend I see regularly is that shame, guilt, disappointment and embarrassment are emotions that the majority of people are not equipped to deal with. Myself included.

When I see clients that are dealing with the above emotions, it usually seems appropriate to begin the process of self-forgiveness. The process of self-forgiveness can be added to the category of ...."ouch, this is not fun."

I work clients through this process every week. I sit with them in their pain, when appropriate I encourage them to use their faith to aide them, and I encourage them to be gentle with themselves through the process. As a clinician, it is a privilege to work with clients through this process and see the outcome on the other end.

The lesson is the same whether you are helping someone or going through it yourself: negative feelings turned inwards are not easy. They are confusing and even when you have faith, sometimes reaching out to that "faith" is not as easy as it sounds. The "fix" is a struggle and there is a lesson to be learned from of all negative feelings we feel.

Underlying the emotions of shame, embarrassment, guilt,disappointment, etc there is usually an initial feeling that starts it all. Before you can learn the lesson of self-forgiveness, one must understand the reasons for their own behaviors and that too doesn't come at the end of a magic wand.

I'm rambling but what I am trying to express is simply this: emotions....the good, bad, and the ugly are all present to teach us lessons if we are willing to pay attention to them and learn from them as we go along.

Signing off... and practicing the importance of paying attention to the wide range of emotions that all of us encounter at some point in our lives.

Big Things Poppin

This past week has been a FANTASTIC one at the Cook household. My four year old has actually eaten some decent food. For the first time EVER, my child ate Chick fil A nuggets. It took two hours to get him to eat TWO nuggets but it was worth the two hours and the two glasses of wine it took me to get through it:)

I don't want to go on and on but I do want to document what my kiddo has eaten this week because it truly is an answered prayer. Not a day goes by that this momma doesn't pray that my baby will eat "normal" food. God has been listening :)

On Connor's menu this week was:
Four Cheese Ravioli
Chicken nuggets
Mac n Cheese
Garlic Cheese bread
Pot Roast
Mashed Potatoes
Apple Jacks with milk

May not seem like a big deal to some but this is a HUGE deal for us!

Hooray for Eating!!

Breaking news at the Cook household: Connor is on a good eating streak. Day 3 here we come. For the past two nights, I have been able to get him to eat his dinner, which was no different than anyone else's in the house. Finally, I think he is able to understand fully how actions and consequences work together...and he doesn't want Mommy to eat his most prized possession: his Easter Reese's Peanut Butter eggs.

So for the past two nights, he has enjoyed yummy Mac n Cheese from Trader Joes and garlic cheese toast. Both of these are small miracles. He tried it and liked it! This means a lot at our household.

This morning, Connor joined me at the table for a bowl of cereal, with milk. And liked it :).

Since my sidekick is eating well and trying new things, I did what any mother would do and went and bought out Target's leftover stock of the Easter Peanut Butter eggs to use as a reward :). Gotta do what you gotta do.

Fine Lines

Okay, so I've written about parenting in past blogs but over the past nine months I have to come to realize that I could probably blog about parenting every day. There is ALWAYS something. Good and bad.

Today I am struggling with the fine line between hovering too much or letting go and watching "my" oldest make poor decisions that will eventually lead to consequences; some of which already have. It's doesn't help my confusion, frustration and worry when he says to me "you shouldn't care so much."

Can a parent ever care "too much?". Once they reach a certain age, do you sit on the sidelines and not be an active participant in helping them make good decisions in their journey called "life?" When does providing guidance and nurturance become overbearing to an eighteen year-old? Are natural consequences better than any consequences I can dish out? How do I protect my heart when I so desperately want the best for him? And is it even fair to expect as a mother that I have the right to protect my heart?

Seems I have a lot of questions and very few answers. Attempting to parent my teenager makes parenting my four year old feel as stressful as a game of Go Fish. You just cannot compare Go Fish to a game of strategic Chess!

I was hoping that the process of writing this would give me some clarity. It didn't. Well, maybe I do have one clear thought. I do believe in the power of natural consequences. I also believe that natural consequences can be good and bad. Good decisions lead to positive natural consequences and bad decisions lead to negative natural consequences. As a parent, it's the natural consequences of the poor decisions that are difficult to observe and accept. I suppose I was also reminded within the past few minutes that I don't have to like or support all of my teenager's decisions or his attitude for that matter; but I do have an obligation to provide him with a positive, loving environment that will hopefully make a lasting difference one day. It's the "in the meantime" that is both nerve-racking and frustrating.

I found this quote and it seems fitting:

The hardest part of raising a child is teaching them to ride bicycles. A shaky child on a bicycle for the first time needs both support and freedom. The realization that this is what the child will always need can hit hard. ~Sloan Wilson

Guess I am dealing with the mixed feelings of loosening the rope and giving him room to learn from his own decisions when all I really want to do is tie him to the rope.

"This thing is of Me"

I enjoyed another Monday with my small group. Having small group on Monday nights starts my week off in such a positive way. I gain so much!

I love the ability to use my blog as a forum for sharing what I learn each week and what I am working on accepting on this journey called life. T\his week the chapter in "Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World" spoke of many things but there is one thing that stands out the most. Quoted from the book, "This thing is from me." Does this mean that ALL things are gifts?? I had to read this sentence over and over again. The bottom line: whether good or bad, elating or devastating, positive or negative, happy or sad, all things are from my heavenly father.

Like most people, it is extremely easy to accept the good things in our lives as being from him, a gift. The spouse/partner of our dreams, healthy children, beautiful homes, stable jobs, good health, supportive friends, "God Winks" when we least expect them and travel opportunities. When these things among many others occur, I am quick to thank God for my blessings and accept them as being a gift from him.

The flip side is that, for me, when something unexpected occurs such as an unexpected bill, a sick child, a parenting hurtle, death or illness, emotional disappointments, and life struggles in general, its not as easy to thank God and its certainly even more difficult to think of these things as gifts.

However, this week I am learning to find comfort in the statement "All things are from me." The good and the bad. Wow...this one is hard. But it makes sense to me. Being human, I don't believe that I am meant to understand all things as they occur. Rather the big picture is revealed to me on his time not mine. That's is where I often get stuck. In my mind, I want things to happen on "Stacie time" and well that just isn't going to happen. Something interesting that tied all this together for me in this book is that God's logic is not my logic. His logic is perfect. Mine is not.

So...I'm going to keep concentrating on the idea that "All things are from him," and that his logic is far better than mine even when I don't understand it. I suppose that's a pretty good definition of faith. Faith for me means believing and trusting even when I can't see the entire picture and even when I don't understand "the bad."

I got to share this with a close girlfriend that is having an emotionally and physically challenging week. She amazes me. She has faith and works hard on letting go of situations that she has no control over. It's admirable. I want to be like her when I grow up :)

Til then, I going to work on accepting my gifts even when I don't think the wrapping paper is very pretty :)

Hula Hoops

I am fortunate enough to be a part of a "small group" on Monday nights with a group of fabulous ladies. Tonight's discussion centered around the fact that most women juggle more than one hula hoop at at time. I identified my many hula hoops as:

Mother
Stepmother
Wife
Therapist
Taxi-driver
Cook
Cleaning lady
Sister
Daughter
Friend

Juggling my many hula hoops is no easy task. And undoubtedly I cannot keep every hoop afloat perfectly all the time. This is frustrating to me. I want to be the best at everything I do all the time. But I have also learned during time spent with my small group ladies that its okay to set priorities and that I don't have to be perfect at any of it. I just have to do my best.

All that being said, life has a funny way of picking for us sometimes which hula hoop needs to take priority. For me, this week it's my hula hoop with "stepmom" written on it. My heart is heavy with worry for my stepson, who many of you know, I really don't even like to refer to as a stepson because in my heart he's my son! Victor has not had an easy life. His beginning years are confusing to him and their are people in his life that haven't been truthful to him. So at the age of 18, I sit and watch my "son" try to develop an identity for himself and I provide guidance and a listening ear when he asks. This past week I had an experience with Vic that will not be easily forgotten. As I sat on our front porch, enjoying the beautiful sunshine, Vic came outside and sat with me, tears in his eyes. All of the details of that private conversation aren't appropriate to put here, what is important is that I have a "son" that is hurting and I want to take it all away. I want to take all of the emotional pain that he has carried for the majority of his life and throw it away so he doesn't have to hurt anymore. But I cant do that. What I can do is be the best "mom" I can be for him and make myself available to him so that we can share more "porch moments." As we both sat in tears on the front porch, I was reminded that there is a love and trust between him and I that no one may understand and I want to continue to be there for him. Parenting is hard, step-parenting is even harder.

Praying for sunny days ahead for my son Vic and praying that he knows he is loved beyond measure by a stepmother who will always love him as my own.

Praying that the God I serve will provide Vic with peace and comfort. Praying that Vic will come to believe in himself as much as I do and praying that my God keeps him safe in the meantime.

My Boy is Growing up

This week has been a usual week at the Cook household. Hagie flew off to his second home in Tampa, Vic had school,Connor went to Super Cooper's and I worked. But one thing was different. I registered my baby boy for Pre-K. Wow!

Sitting at the school, filling out the paperwork, all I could think was "oh my where has time gone." Connor will be four in just a few short weeks. Four years old! It has been so much fun watching him grow into this little boy that will soon go to school everyday like a big boy. Of course I am biased, but he is most definitely prepared for what Pre-K has in store. He amazes me everyday with something he says, something he knows, or an observation or story he shares.

I will treasure my days off with him for the next few months. Just as time has flown by from my pregnancy with Connor til now, so will the time between today and his first day of Pre-K. Every moment is cherished.