First to my readers that I talk to daily and for those that I only get to talk to every once in a while, thanks for all the emotional support lately.
My friend Page Walden is now at Atlanta Hospice, resting comfortably and will likely meet her heavenly father within the next few days. Her family has such strength and faith and they are an inspiration to me. They are doing as well as can be expected knowing that Page will live on after her time here with us. Her footprints will forever be seen!
Secondly, after talking to my mom and my aunt, I have taken steps towards my "big picture." It's hard for me to let go of control but I am going on faith with this one and pray that I can find peace knowing that all will be taken care of, even if it's not "Stacie's" way. So, I have sent an email to the head doctor here at the practice letting him know that as of January 1, 2010, I will go back to working only three full days a week, no Saturdays. I have made this decision for several reasons. One, taking care of a almost 4yr old and an 18yr old is no joke. Add working full-time to the mix and Hagie not being home and you have a very stressed out, anxious Stacie. That is not what I want for my life. I also made the decision because Hagie and I look forward to expanding our family one day soon and to add a baby to the mix will require good health, patience and as little stress as possible. I have to begin minimizing now!
A direct quote from my aunt yesterday, or as direct as I can remember while I was in my sad mode, "you can't get back the time with your kids, you'll have time to work later." So I am trying to embrace this and remind myself that at the age of 33 I don't have to be therapist of the year, nor do I have to bring in an astronomical income and as much as I'd LOVE a bigger house, God will provide the means to do so when it's time.
So I am leaping, slowly, but leaping. And holding on to the faith I have to understand that the decisions I make today will work themselves out in the future.
I am looking forward to seeing what 2010 brings and looking forward to a lot less stress....and I suppose fewer trips to Target :)
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Saturday, November 14, 2009
A Celebration for Victor P
Today is Victor's 18th birthday! I haven't been around for the entirety of his 18 years but the seven that I have been around I wouldn't trade them in for anything. Well...maybe just a little less stress! But he's worth it. I can do it!
Hagie and I planned a surprise celebration for him at Dave and Busters. I sincerely think this was the first year of his life that anyone made a big deal about his birthday. Sad. Poor guy, knew he was in for something when I walked in his room this morning and told him that he had an hour to get ready and that he'd be riding blindfolded. His response: "You can't be serious!"
Waiting for him at D&B were the Cook's and the Chisolm's to celebrate him! Fun was had by all and Victor always enjoys spending time with his cousins, after many years of not getting to see them very regularly. Vic racked up on cash and gift cards and walked out of there a happy camper.
I salute Vic. He has had to endure a lot in his short life, none of it his fault and nothing a child should have to go through. Over the past couple of months I have been able to watch him set goals for himself, show his "big brother" skills, and enjoy being a part of a functioning family.
My prayer for Victor P during the next year is that he will fully understand that he is loved unconditionally, that he has a team of parents that will emotionally support him until the end and that it's OK to be him.
So Cheers (with a Sprite of course...Vic's favorite) to my most favorite step-son!
Hagie and I planned a surprise celebration for him at Dave and Busters. I sincerely think this was the first year of his life that anyone made a big deal about his birthday. Sad. Poor guy, knew he was in for something when I walked in his room this morning and told him that he had an hour to get ready and that he'd be riding blindfolded. His response: "You can't be serious!"
Waiting for him at D&B were the Cook's and the Chisolm's to celebrate him! Fun was had by all and Victor always enjoys spending time with his cousins, after many years of not getting to see them very regularly. Vic racked up on cash and gift cards and walked out of there a happy camper.
I salute Vic. He has had to endure a lot in his short life, none of it his fault and nothing a child should have to go through. Over the past couple of months I have been able to watch him set goals for himself, show his "big brother" skills, and enjoy being a part of a functioning family.
My prayer for Victor P during the next year is that he will fully understand that he is loved unconditionally, that he has a team of parents that will emotionally support him until the end and that it's OK to be him.
So Cheers (with a Sprite of course...Vic's favorite) to my most favorite step-son!
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
My Hurting Heart
Please excuse this post as it is likely to be somewhat depressing but I am "journaling" as if I would in my own private journal. My heart is heavy and I want to just allow my stream of consciousness to flow so that I may gain understanding and peace.
For many of you that read my posts, the name Page Walden won't ring a bell. For others, those of you who have known me many, many years, Page is the mother of Zack. Zack was my first love.
Many years ago, 17 to be exact, Page and Dan welcomed me into their home and family as if I was one of their own. I have so many fond memories of Page and Dan that include Dan cooking Sunday dinners, looking through the Sunday AJC with the family, going to movies and plays with Page without Zach and Dan,or tender moments with Dan as we discussed old cars and discussed our mutual worries about Zack. I was even a hostess at their daughter, Katy's wedding. Even after Zach and I called it quits off and on, I continued to enjoy a glass of chardonnay with Page when we could meet for dinner. The relationship I had with the Walden's is one that will never be repeated and is so hard to explain even through examples.
Page has always been such a tender, spunky spirit. Any time spent with Page is sure to be fun and exciting. Her love and empathy for others is amazing and she continues to touch so many through her volunteer work and cancer survivor support groups.
My heart is heavy as I sit here in tears. Page has battled cancer off and on since 1990. I met her in 1992. She is such a fighter and has beaten cancer in the past against odds. God has truly held her in his hand and I know that he continues to hold her. Tears flow as I have learned this week that they have found tumors on her brain. My heart aches as I pray for her as well as her amazing family. How difficult this must be for them. Page is currently at Emory Hospital while the doctors run more tests and develop a treatment strategy. I get to visit with her this week and I am so eager to hug her neck! And Dan's too!
I try and control my tears but they flow so I let them. I cry because it just doesn't seem fair. I cry because I continue to see the impact cancer makes on people I love and people that I work with in therapy. Cancer sucks! I cry because I worry about how Zack is dealing with his mom's illness. I cry because Dan is a strong christian man who has stood by his wife for so many years and how his own heart is broken at the thought and reality of Page having to undergo more treatment. I cry because in the past years when Page and I have been out of touch we shouldn't have been. I cry because cancer is real and it impacts families every day and unless we are one of them, we have no idea how it feels to be them. I can imagine though that it is terrifying, creates anger and sadness and leaves the family of someone battling cancer feeling absolutely helpless.
I close knowing that God is holding Page in the palm of his hand and that he will continue to be in control of her body...as he has been since 1990. I pray Page continues to fight and that her family feels a blanket of comfort that can only come from someone far greater than any of us.
For many of you that read my posts, the name Page Walden won't ring a bell. For others, those of you who have known me many, many years, Page is the mother of Zack. Zack was my first love.
Many years ago, 17 to be exact, Page and Dan welcomed me into their home and family as if I was one of their own. I have so many fond memories of Page and Dan that include Dan cooking Sunday dinners, looking through the Sunday AJC with the family, going to movies and plays with Page without Zach and Dan,or tender moments with Dan as we discussed old cars and discussed our mutual worries about Zack. I was even a hostess at their daughter, Katy's wedding. Even after Zach and I called it quits off and on, I continued to enjoy a glass of chardonnay with Page when we could meet for dinner. The relationship I had with the Walden's is one that will never be repeated and is so hard to explain even through examples.
Page has always been such a tender, spunky spirit. Any time spent with Page is sure to be fun and exciting. Her love and empathy for others is amazing and she continues to touch so many through her volunteer work and cancer survivor support groups.
My heart is heavy as I sit here in tears. Page has battled cancer off and on since 1990. I met her in 1992. She is such a fighter and has beaten cancer in the past against odds. God has truly held her in his hand and I know that he continues to hold her. Tears flow as I have learned this week that they have found tumors on her brain. My heart aches as I pray for her as well as her amazing family. How difficult this must be for them. Page is currently at Emory Hospital while the doctors run more tests and develop a treatment strategy. I get to visit with her this week and I am so eager to hug her neck! And Dan's too!
I try and control my tears but they flow so I let them. I cry because it just doesn't seem fair. I cry because I continue to see the impact cancer makes on people I love and people that I work with in therapy. Cancer sucks! I cry because I worry about how Zack is dealing with his mom's illness. I cry because Dan is a strong christian man who has stood by his wife for so many years and how his own heart is broken at the thought and reality of Page having to undergo more treatment. I cry because in the past years when Page and I have been out of touch we shouldn't have been. I cry because cancer is real and it impacts families every day and unless we are one of them, we have no idea how it feels to be them. I can imagine though that it is terrifying, creates anger and sadness and leaves the family of someone battling cancer feeling absolutely helpless.
I close knowing that God is holding Page in the palm of his hand and that he will continue to be in control of her body...as he has been since 1990. I pray Page continues to fight and that her family feels a blanket of comfort that can only come from someone far greater than any of us.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Pouting for Nothing....
I was just talking to Hagie about how I seldom get feedback from my "favorite" people on my blog and he says..."are you sure, I send something to you every time you post?" So I did some looking around on gmail and realized that some of you do offer feedback and I just wasn't getting it because your comments were going straight to my gmail email acct which I don't use. I only have the gmail account because I had to create it for the blog.
All that being said, I just read many comments made by my hubby, Amy and my aunt...and I have to say tears came to my eyes. For one, I felt bad because I immediately thought all of you must think I am ignoring your comments and secondly because I realized how much I value feedback from the people I love the most.
Interestingly, I was just reading a comment my favorite aunt made in relation to my post about Connor wanting me to "build him a baby." I became tearful. Tears came to my eyes because I know that I want another baby and tears because I know there are no circumstances in this world that would make me regret having another child. My aunt commented "you'll never regret having children, but you will regret waiting." Thank you Aunt Donna for giving me a reality check. I totally agree with you. Connor has added so much to my life and the lives of those that are lucky enough to know my little crew member. I cannot think about my life without him. And what I realized is that while I sit around and worry and try to plan for perfect timing I am reminded that there will never be a perfect time and the world goes on. So what in the heck am I doing??? I know without a doubt that I am meant to be a mother and my God continues to speak to me in ways that only whisper...Stacie look at the big picture...or as my father would say...Boo keep your eye on the prize. Stated simply, the big picture is that I do want another child, I do want Connor to have a younger brother or sister and I'd love for Vic to have the opportunity to be around to watch another younger sibling grow and look up to him.
All this being said, I am one step closer to surrendering to my "big picture" and accepting that if I continue to wait til the perfect time I will never move forward.
Thanks Hagie, Amy, Elantrice and Aunt Donna for your feedback. I love you all!
All that being said, I just read many comments made by my hubby, Amy and my aunt...and I have to say tears came to my eyes. For one, I felt bad because I immediately thought all of you must think I am ignoring your comments and secondly because I realized how much I value feedback from the people I love the most.
Interestingly, I was just reading a comment my favorite aunt made in relation to my post about Connor wanting me to "build him a baby." I became tearful. Tears came to my eyes because I know that I want another baby and tears because I know there are no circumstances in this world that would make me regret having another child. My aunt commented "you'll never regret having children, but you will regret waiting." Thank you Aunt Donna for giving me a reality check. I totally agree with you. Connor has added so much to my life and the lives of those that are lucky enough to know my little crew member. I cannot think about my life without him. And what I realized is that while I sit around and worry and try to plan for perfect timing I am reminded that there will never be a perfect time and the world goes on. So what in the heck am I doing??? I know without a doubt that I am meant to be a mother and my God continues to speak to me in ways that only whisper...Stacie look at the big picture...or as my father would say...Boo keep your eye on the prize. Stated simply, the big picture is that I do want another child, I do want Connor to have a younger brother or sister and I'd love for Vic to have the opportunity to be around to watch another younger sibling grow and look up to him.
All this being said, I am one step closer to surrendering to my "big picture" and accepting that if I continue to wait til the perfect time I will never move forward.
Thanks Hagie, Amy, Elantrice and Aunt Donna for your feedback. I love you all!
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Hooray for Small Group
I just joined a group of fabulous women for Bible study and fellowship (which often turns into five women sharing the stressors of our lives as it relates to what we are studying) on Monday nights and I love it! Hagie and I were members of a small group for couples but that doesn't work too well for us considering my other half isn't home during the week to participate. Soooo, I stepped outside of my comfort zone and joined a group of women that I didn't know, only knowing one of them and just barely at that, and its been great. I am really focusing on self care these days and deliberately trying to do things to enrich my life and keep me focused on the "big" picture. The "big" picture for me is my family, my spirituality, my friends and how to keep all crew members afloat during a stressful time at the Cook household, and continue to enjoy my job which I love!
My small group is studying the book "Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World" and boy does it hit home. Last night we reviewed a chapter dedicated to anxiety/fear vs. concerns. For those who know and love me definitely understand why while reading this I felt like the author was speaking directly to me. One of the exercises related to the reading encouraged us to recognize the difference between a worry (something we have no control over) and a concern (a legit worry that we can take steps to feel more comfortable about.) I admit, this was tough for me. I am a definite worrier, I'm convinced it is a "Chisolm" gene....handed straight down from my precious Memaw. Boy I miss her! Anyhew, here's my list of concerns and worries. I share them because I am still struggling with which ones belong in what column and I continuously struggle with giving up control...helllooooo anxiety!
Concerns: Need a bigger house within the City of Decatur preferably, my need and desire to return to part-time work, my husband's travel schedule and wondering when will it slow down a bit, and Connor's continued poor eating habits.
Worries: Having a second baby and the timing associated with this (and the space to put a little one), my high level of anxiety, being able to handle an additional crew member with a husband who is on the road more than he is home and the health of my family, both immediate and extended.
There are plenty more that could be added to this list but the above are the big ones for me. So I am practicing what we are learning in small group which is to do what I can about my concerns and hand over my worries...easier said than done...but I continue to be a work in progress. I am trying.
My small group is studying the book "Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World" and boy does it hit home. Last night we reviewed a chapter dedicated to anxiety/fear vs. concerns. For those who know and love me definitely understand why while reading this I felt like the author was speaking directly to me. One of the exercises related to the reading encouraged us to recognize the difference between a worry (something we have no control over) and a concern (a legit worry that we can take steps to feel more comfortable about.) I admit, this was tough for me. I am a definite worrier, I'm convinced it is a "Chisolm" gene....handed straight down from my precious Memaw. Boy I miss her! Anyhew, here's my list of concerns and worries. I share them because I am still struggling with which ones belong in what column and I continuously struggle with giving up control...helllooooo anxiety!
Concerns: Need a bigger house within the City of Decatur preferably, my need and desire to return to part-time work, my husband's travel schedule and wondering when will it slow down a bit, and Connor's continued poor eating habits.
Worries: Having a second baby and the timing associated with this (and the space to put a little one), my high level of anxiety, being able to handle an additional crew member with a husband who is on the road more than he is home and the health of my family, both immediate and extended.
There are plenty more that could be added to this list but the above are the big ones for me. So I am practicing what we are learning in small group which is to do what I can about my concerns and hand over my worries...easier said than done...but I continue to be a work in progress. I am trying.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Weight Loss Journey Update
Just a quick little update of my weight loss adventure. I have one more weigh in...on November 7th and I'll officially be a Weight Watchers Lifetime member. I am thrilled. I've lost 18 to 20 pounds and have been maintaining below my set goal weight...Wahoooo for me! I do have to say that having Vic in the home...thus buying way more junk food than I normally would...has made WW a little more challenging the past few weeks. The great news is that I think my body has leveled out and I am now much more aware of what and how much I can eat to maintain a healthy weight. Not to mention, I am enjoying buying the size 6's as opposed to the alternative so I am motivated to maintain!
I haven't been to the gym in about two months because of the various physical ailments but I am definitely looking forward to returning to the Y next week. I hope my muscles are ready to WORK. I have missed the energy and nice increase in serotonin that exercise gives me. I can't wait to get back to my routine and hopefully I can get Vic on board with a workout routine too.
Thanks to all my friends and family for their support along my journey!
I haven't been to the gym in about two months because of the various physical ailments but I am definitely looking forward to returning to the Y next week. I hope my muscles are ready to WORK. I have missed the energy and nice increase in serotonin that exercise gives me. I can't wait to get back to my routine and hopefully I can get Vic on board with a workout routine too.
Thanks to all my friends and family for their support along my journey!
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
MIA no more....
The past few weeks have been busy at the Cook household. Between a quick trip to Disney, stomach flu, bronchitis, walking pneumonia and a broken rib, I haven't had much time to write nor have I really felt like it. Not to mention, we are all still adjusting to having the newest crew member...Vic. Vic is such a delightful new addition but the experience definitely calls for a learning curve. I continue to learn everyday something new about parenting a teenage boy. Let's see....a few new things I have learned about "Victor P"
He can easily drink a 12 pack of Sprite in just a few days, grape soda runs a close second.
He moves about as quickly as his father in terms of getting out of the house to leave...NOT QUICKLY AT ALL...like father like son.
Potato chips, Poptarts, and cereal are among his faves and Butterfingers are his favorite candy bar....like stepmother like son :)
Teenage boys, well mine anyway, needs lots of reminders to take care of chores. I guess chores aren't high on his list of priorities when compared to friends, girls, etc.
Victor has turned out to be an amazing big brother. I like to watch him interact with Connor and my heart sings when Vic refers to Connor as "buddy." Vic even babysits every now and then and doesn't complain. Nice bonus.
So that's where we are at the Cook household. I am still recovering from the bout of bronchitis that I swear feels like it is lingering on and I am still dealing with some pain related to the broken rib. But life goes on and we continue to put one foot in front of the other.
Stay tuned for an update on my weight loss journey and a new women's group I am participating in each week.
He can easily drink a 12 pack of Sprite in just a few days, grape soda runs a close second.
He moves about as quickly as his father in terms of getting out of the house to leave...NOT QUICKLY AT ALL...like father like son.
Potato chips, Poptarts, and cereal are among his faves and Butterfingers are his favorite candy bar....like stepmother like son :)
Teenage boys, well mine anyway, needs lots of reminders to take care of chores. I guess chores aren't high on his list of priorities when compared to friends, girls, etc.
Victor has turned out to be an amazing big brother. I like to watch him interact with Connor and my heart sings when Vic refers to Connor as "buddy." Vic even babysits every now and then and doesn't complain. Nice bonus.
So that's where we are at the Cook household. I am still recovering from the bout of bronchitis that I swear feels like it is lingering on and I am still dealing with some pain related to the broken rib. But life goes on and we continue to put one foot in front of the other.
Stay tuned for an update on my weight loss journey and a new women's group I am participating in each week.
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