My Hurting Heart

Please excuse this post as it is likely to be somewhat depressing but I am "journaling" as if I would in my own private journal. My heart is heavy and I want to just allow my stream of consciousness to flow so that I may gain understanding and peace.

For many of you that read my posts, the name Page Walden won't ring a bell. For others, those of you who have known me many, many years, Page is the mother of Zack. Zack was my first love.

Many years ago, 17 to be exact, Page and Dan welcomed me into their home and family as if I was one of their own. I have so many fond memories of Page and Dan that include Dan cooking Sunday dinners, looking through the Sunday AJC with the family, going to movies and plays with Page without Zach and Dan,or tender moments with Dan as we discussed old cars and discussed our mutual worries about Zack. I was even a hostess at their daughter, Katy's wedding. Even after Zach and I called it quits off and on, I continued to enjoy a glass of chardonnay with Page when we could meet for dinner. The relationship I had with the Walden's is one that will never be repeated and is so hard to explain even through examples.

Page has always been such a tender, spunky spirit. Any time spent with Page is sure to be fun and exciting. Her love and empathy for others is amazing and she continues to touch so many through her volunteer work and cancer survivor support groups.

My heart is heavy as I sit here in tears. Page has battled cancer off and on since 1990. I met her in 1992. She is such a fighter and has beaten cancer in the past against odds. God has truly held her in his hand and I know that he continues to hold her. Tears flow as I have learned this week that they have found tumors on her brain. My heart aches as I pray for her as well as her amazing family. How difficult this must be for them. Page is currently at Emory Hospital while the doctors run more tests and develop a treatment strategy. I get to visit with her this week and I am so eager to hug her neck! And Dan's too!

I try and control my tears but they flow so I let them. I cry because it just doesn't seem fair. I cry because I continue to see the impact cancer makes on people I love and people that I work with in therapy. Cancer sucks! I cry because I worry about how Zack is dealing with his mom's illness. I cry because Dan is a strong christian man who has stood by his wife for so many years and how his own heart is broken at the thought and reality of Page having to undergo more treatment. I cry because in the past years when Page and I have been out of touch we shouldn't have been. I cry because cancer is real and it impacts families every day and unless we are one of them, we have no idea how it feels to be them. I can imagine though that it is terrifying, creates anger and sadness and leaves the family of someone battling cancer feeling absolutely helpless.

I close knowing that God is holding Page in the palm of his hand and that he will continue to be in control of her body...as he has been since 1990. I pray Page continues to fight and that her family feels a blanket of comfort that can only come from someone far greater than any of us.

Pouting for Nothing....

I was just talking to Hagie about how I seldom get feedback from my "favorite" people on my blog and he says..."are you sure, I send something to you every time you post?" So I did some looking around on gmail and realized that some of you do offer feedback and I just wasn't getting it because your comments were going straight to my gmail email acct which I don't use. I only have the gmail account because I had to create it for the blog.

All that being said, I just read many comments made by my hubby, Amy and my aunt...and I have to say tears came to my eyes. For one, I felt bad because I immediately thought all of you must think I am ignoring your comments and secondly because I realized how much I value feedback from the people I love the most.

Interestingly, I was just reading a comment my favorite aunt made in relation to my post about Connor wanting me to "build him a baby." I became tearful. Tears came to my eyes because I know that I want another baby and tears because I know there are no circumstances in this world that would make me regret having another child. My aunt commented "you'll never regret having children, but you will regret waiting." Thank you Aunt Donna for giving me a reality check. I totally agree with you. Connor has added so much to my life and the lives of those that are lucky enough to know my little crew member. I cannot think about my life without him. And what I realized is that while I sit around and worry and try to plan for perfect timing I am reminded that there will never be a perfect time and the world goes on. So what in the heck am I doing??? I know without a doubt that I am meant to be a mother and my God continues to speak to me in ways that only whisper...Stacie look at the big picture...or as my father would say...Boo keep your eye on the prize. Stated simply, the big picture is that I do want another child, I do want Connor to have a younger brother or sister and I'd love for Vic to have the opportunity to be around to watch another younger sibling grow and look up to him.

All this being said, I am one step closer to surrendering to my "big picture" and accepting that if I continue to wait til the perfect time I will never move forward.

Thanks Hagie, Amy, Elantrice and Aunt Donna for your feedback. I love you all!

Hooray for Small Group

I just joined a group of fabulous women for Bible study and fellowship (which often turns into five women sharing the stressors of our lives as it relates to what we are studying) on Monday nights and I love it! Hagie and I were members of a small group for couples but that doesn't work too well for us considering my other half isn't home during the week to participate. Soooo, I stepped outside of my comfort zone and joined a group of women that I didn't know, only knowing one of them and just barely at that, and its been great. I am really focusing on self care these days and deliberately trying to do things to enrich my life and keep me focused on the "big" picture. The "big" picture for me is my family, my spirituality, my friends and how to keep all crew members afloat during a stressful time at the Cook household, and continue to enjoy my job which I love!

My small group is studying the book "Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World" and boy does it hit home. Last night we reviewed a chapter dedicated to anxiety/fear vs. concerns. For those who know and love me definitely understand why while reading this I felt like the author was speaking directly to me. One of the exercises related to the reading encouraged us to recognize the difference between a worry (something we have no control over) and a concern (a legit worry that we can take steps to feel more comfortable about.) I admit, this was tough for me. I am a definite worrier, I'm convinced it is a "Chisolm" gene....handed straight down from my precious Memaw. Boy I miss her! Anyhew, here's my list of concerns and worries. I share them because I am still struggling with which ones belong in what column and I continuously struggle with giving up control...helllooooo anxiety!

Concerns: Need a bigger house within the City of Decatur preferably, my need and desire to return to part-time work, my husband's travel schedule and wondering when will it slow down a bit, and Connor's continued poor eating habits.

Worries: Having a second baby and the timing associated with this (and the space to put a little one), my high level of anxiety, being able to handle an additional crew member with a husband who is on the road more than he is home and the health of my family, both immediate and extended.

There are plenty more that could be added to this list but the above are the big ones for me. So I am practicing what we are learning in small group which is to do what I can about my concerns and hand over my worries...easier said than done...but I continue to be a work in progress. I am trying.

Weight Loss Journey Update

Just a quick little update of my weight loss adventure. I have one more weigh in...on November 7th and I'll officially be a Weight Watchers Lifetime member. I am thrilled. I've lost 18 to 20 pounds and have been maintaining below my set goal weight...Wahoooo for me! I do have to say that having Vic in the home...thus buying way more junk food than I normally would...has made WW a little more challenging the past few weeks. The great news is that I think my body has leveled out and I am now much more aware of what and how much I can eat to maintain a healthy weight. Not to mention, I am enjoying buying the size 6's as opposed to the alternative so I am motivated to maintain!

I haven't been to the gym in about two months because of the various physical ailments but I am definitely looking forward to returning to the Y next week. I hope my muscles are ready to WORK. I have missed the energy and nice increase in serotonin that exercise gives me. I can't wait to get back to my routine and hopefully I can get Vic on board with a workout routine too.

Thanks to all my friends and family for their support along my journey!

MIA no more....

The past few weeks have been busy at the Cook household. Between a quick trip to Disney, stomach flu, bronchitis, walking pneumonia and a broken rib, I haven't had much time to write nor have I really felt like it. Not to mention, we are all still adjusting to having the newest crew member...Vic. Vic is such a delightful new addition but the experience definitely calls for a learning curve. I continue to learn everyday something new about parenting a teenage boy. Let's see....a few new things I have learned about "Victor P"

He can easily drink a 12 pack of Sprite in just a few days, grape soda runs a close second.

He moves about as quickly as his father in terms of getting out of the house to leave...NOT QUICKLY AT ALL...like father like son.

Potato chips, Poptarts, and cereal are among his faves and Butterfingers are his favorite candy bar....like stepmother like son :)

Teenage boys, well mine anyway, needs lots of reminders to take care of chores. I guess chores aren't high on his list of priorities when compared to friends, girls, etc.

Victor has turned out to be an amazing big brother. I like to watch him interact with Connor and my heart sings when Vic refers to Connor as "buddy." Vic even babysits every now and then and doesn't complain. Nice bonus.

So that's where we are at the Cook household. I am still recovering from the bout of bronchitis that I swear feels like it is lingering on and I am still dealing with some pain related to the broken rib. But life goes on and we continue to put one foot in front of the other.

Stay tuned for an update on my weight loss journey and a new women's group I am participating in each week.

Down and Out...and trying not to be!

Well, I am on day four of feeling like crap and on like week 7 of not feeling like myself. Bronchitis that never went away, followed by a horrific case of stomach flu topped with walking pneumonia. Nice! I am not used to laying around, resting and just taking care of me. Afterall, I have a household to run, two boys to take care of, a husband to tend to and clients that truly need their time with me each week.

After talking to my girlfriend, Mrs. Toot-Toot, realization kicked in that, yes indeed, God is teaching me a lesson in self-care. It's so easy for me to teach my clients how to do this but not so easy for me to do myself. So I am working on it. Since Monday, I've been worried about the clients that I see each week, what their needs are, how easily can they be rescheduled, the money I am losing and what my colleagues must think about me being out.

I am slowly accepting that
1) It does not matter what my colleagues think!
2) God will provide financially and ensure that my family is OK despite the loss in income for the last two weeks
3) I cannot meet anyone's needs until I meet my own. For all you caretakers out there reading this.....this is always hard for us...its always others before ourselves.

So...I am trying to embrace this time period that God has given for my body to heal and am trying to let go of my worried thoughts about the little things that don't matter in the long run! I have a dear cousin that made that comment to me after she struggled with the possibility of thinking she may have had a recurrence with cancer. Now please understand, I am certainly not comparing my illness to a possible recurrence of cancer but the point is the same....the things we THINK matter in life really don't when God allows us to examine our lives and take stock of what really is important :) Thanks Caelyn for reminding me not so long ago of this lesson!

So Far...

So...We have had Vic since the weekend, won't be official until September 14th when we go to court. Hagie was home for the weekend and since then it's been me and the boys..transitioning, adjusting and doing the best we can. Victor is enrolled in Decatur High School. I have attended enrollment, attended registration and met with his counselor and gearing up to attend my first official "real" open house tomorrow night. I just wanted to quickly document some of the lessons I learned very quickly in terms of parenting seventeen year old boys:

1. No...they don't want you to walk with them through their new school to see the layout of their school and to see where their classes are.....this is an embarrassment to them!

2. On the list of importance these days at high school is the important question of "do you smoke?" and no we aren't talking about cigarettes. I was informed that this question is asked within the first few minutes of talking to other students. And if you answer no...you are looked at like you are a "nark."

3. Independence within limits is necessary....this is how teenagers grow and learn to make decisions on their own...hopefully good decisions.

4. Evidently, too many notebooks are overrated....one five subject spiral is sufficient until told otherwise.

5. Even as cool as I think I am...there really is no such thing as a "cool" parent in the mind of a seventeen year old.

6. Most important...they need all the love and support we can give them...because being a teenager is hard!