Well, the ball is rolling and Hagie and I have started the steps towards getting custody of Victor. This is our second try together, and the first ended in major disappointment. My prayer is that this one works out in the best interest of Vic!
Today I have experienced so many emotions, most of all, anxiety and excitement. I remember the day I met Vic. He was about 9 or 10; shy, skinny like his daddy, a joy to be around and easy going. Not much has changed except now he comes with the demeanor of a seventeen year old male :). From day one, I accepted Vic as if he was my own. I know he has a mother but I am also very aware that his mother has not done right by him and he deserves better. The love I feel for this child that isn't biologically mine is overwhelming! And it's because of this love that I am able to maintain some level of sanity throughout the trials and tribulations regarding Vic. It's also this love that gives me such a feeling of excitement to FINALLY have him in our home.
Tonight I got to talk to Victor one on one. I loved every minute of it. Yes, it was an intense conversation about the difficult days to come involving court and school changes but it was also a conversation where I was able to provide this deserving child with unconditional love and security that all decisions are being made with a sincere attempt to meet his needs. Victor and I got to talk about trust and how he has often found it hard to trust either biological parent because of lies he was told by his maternal side of the family. The best part, Vic was able to verbalize that he has complete trust in me, "the second mom" as he refers to me, and I WILL NOT let him down!
I look forward to helping Vic get his room set up, I look forward to helping Vic navigate his way through a new school and making new friends, I look forward to being the "mom" at home when he gets home from school and most of all I look forward to offering this child security and love that he has not experienced in any other place. Did I mention that I look forward to having him in our home...praying that it is soon to be HIS home too!
I know God is in control and God has a plan for this family that includes Victor. I pray for peace and a decrease in anxiety as Hagie and I work together to make this upcoming transition (fingers crossed and praying) as easy as possible for Vic. I ask that you all pray for the same thing. I pray that Vic feels an overwhelming sense of unconditional love and acceptance and continues to talk openly with me about how he feels and what he needs.
Updates to come, hopefully, the ball keeps moving and we can have resolution to a situation that has been a long time in the making! Asking for prayers :)
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Friday, August 21, 2009
Early Morning Thoughts...3am
I'm starting this post about 3am on Friday, now whether or not I finish it before trying to go back to bed is another story.
So my last blog was about Connor's desire for a sibling and the beginning of my thoughts on having a second child. Life is hectic for the Cook's right now. Not to repeat but Hagie travels a lot, I am working full-time because I choose too, and I've discovered that parenting a preschooler is challenging, at best on good days.
Now..life has thrown a curve ball...one I welcome but a curve ball that comes with a different kind of stress. Victor, my stepson, is in a position where he NEEDS to live with us and has voiced that he would like to come live with us (we've been down this road before but it didn't work out how we had hoped). WOW...I love it! My other reaction is whoa....that means my life will change drastically. As I told Hagie today, I will willingly change my schedule and adjust my life so that Victor can have better. After all, isn't' that what moms do..even though I am not his biological mother, I sure feel like his mom in many ways and think of him as my own. Why will my life change? Well, Hagie will continue to travel which places me in the role of primary caretaker not only to an active preschooler but to a teenager who has a whole new set of needs. This does not scare me and care taking is what I love. HOWEVER, I love my job too. This is where all the internal conflict about having a second child comes into play along with the fact that I'd be single parenting it the majority of the week. Hagie...I'm not picking at you...just being real.
Here are my worries about all of this but I have made a decision to pray about it all and I know that it will all work out...God's way not always Stacie's way (boy that's a hard one for me sometimes)!
1. We DEFINITELY need a bigger house. I think we out grew it the day we moved in over five years ago.
2. To have Vic and a second child will definitely mean a reduction in my private practice...this is a big decision for me and one that I struggle with A LOT.
3. Currently, there is no real end in sight to a reduction in Hagie's travel schedule. Hagie I love you and KNOW that you work hard and do what you do to support us and make sure we are comfortable....I appreciate you for that!
So, as jumbled as that all my sound at 3 something in the morning, those are my thoughts. I'll keep writing about this ongoing topic; it definitely helps!
So my last blog was about Connor's desire for a sibling and the beginning of my thoughts on having a second child. Life is hectic for the Cook's right now. Not to repeat but Hagie travels a lot, I am working full-time because I choose too, and I've discovered that parenting a preschooler is challenging, at best on good days.
Now..life has thrown a curve ball...one I welcome but a curve ball that comes with a different kind of stress. Victor, my stepson, is in a position where he NEEDS to live with us and has voiced that he would like to come live with us (we've been down this road before but it didn't work out how we had hoped). WOW...I love it! My other reaction is whoa....that means my life will change drastically. As I told Hagie today, I will willingly change my schedule and adjust my life so that Victor can have better. After all, isn't' that what moms do..even though I am not his biological mother, I sure feel like his mom in many ways and think of him as my own. Why will my life change? Well, Hagie will continue to travel which places me in the role of primary caretaker not only to an active preschooler but to a teenager who has a whole new set of needs. This does not scare me and care taking is what I love. HOWEVER, I love my job too. This is where all the internal conflict about having a second child comes into play along with the fact that I'd be single parenting it the majority of the week. Hagie...I'm not picking at you...just being real.
Here are my worries about all of this but I have made a decision to pray about it all and I know that it will all work out...God's way not always Stacie's way (boy that's a hard one for me sometimes)!
1. We DEFINITELY need a bigger house. I think we out grew it the day we moved in over five years ago.
2. To have Vic and a second child will definitely mean a reduction in my private practice...this is a big decision for me and one that I struggle with A LOT.
3. Currently, there is no real end in sight to a reduction in Hagie's travel schedule. Hagie I love you and KNOW that you work hard and do what you do to support us and make sure we are comfortable....I appreciate you for that!
So, as jumbled as that all my sound at 3 something in the morning, those are my thoughts. I'll keep writing about this ongoing topic; it definitely helps!
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Today...Frustration!
As I sit and write this, Connor is screaming while he sits in time out. He sits in time out because he continues to poop in his underwear. He didn't poop because he does not know...he pooped because he REFUSES to poop in the potty. In fact, he'll ask for his underwear to be put back on him after sitting on the potty just so he can poop.
Today is not the day! So he is sitting in the corner, calling for "daddy" because I'm the bad guy. I hate that. These are the times I wish Hagie was home too. So for today, I am choosing to let him sit in time out, I took away his favorite car, and he'll be going to bed after he has a bath to get the poop washed up. Next on the list is to light the candles in the house to cover up the poop smell, a nice warm bath for myself, a glass of wine and an early bedtime.
Dear Lord,
Grant me the patience I feel I don't have,
Let my child know I love him even though I have to discipline him,
and give me the strength and tolerance I need to do it all over again tomorrow!
Today is not the day! So he is sitting in the corner, calling for "daddy" because I'm the bad guy. I hate that. These are the times I wish Hagie was home too. So for today, I am choosing to let him sit in time out, I took away his favorite car, and he'll be going to bed after he has a bath to get the poop washed up. Next on the list is to light the candles in the house to cover up the poop smell, a nice warm bath for myself, a glass of wine and an early bedtime.
Dear Lord,
Grant me the patience I feel I don't have,
Let my child know I love him even though I have to discipline him,
and give me the strength and tolerance I need to do it all over again tomorrow!
Thursday, August 13, 2009
"Build Me a Baby"
My favorite little guy was three in March and everyday he surprises me with what he says and his ability to carry on a conversation, which in my opinion, is obviously better than any other three year old out there...he's ahead of his time :) That being said, he is well aware that many of his friends have become brothers or sisters within the past two years.
For the past month, yep its taken me a month to write about it because it has taken me this long to begin to think about the possibility, Connor has consistently asked me to "build him a baby." I think once or twice he has said the same thing to his father but I seem to be the steady target. Maybe this is because somehow he knows I am the hesitant one. Hagie would have "built him a baby" two years ago.
When we talk about his desire for ME (he's not so far ahead of his time that he knows it takes two of us) to build him a baby, it is a very serious conversation. Connor knows exactly what he wants this baby to be...a boy and he would like the baby to have a green shirt.
Connor's consistency and sweet desire for a "baby" has left me with a lot to think about. Do I want another child...absolutely. Am I waiting for the "perfect" time....absolutely. Yea, yea, yea I know, there will never be a perfect time (which is what I've been told numerous times and my rational brain agrees). So, I'll be doing some thinking and praying about this and you can look for more blogs about my thought process related to this and all the emotions that go with it.
Feedback welcome :)
For the past month, yep its taken me a month to write about it because it has taken me this long to begin to think about the possibility, Connor has consistently asked me to "build him a baby." I think once or twice he has said the same thing to his father but I seem to be the steady target. Maybe this is because somehow he knows I am the hesitant one. Hagie would have "built him a baby" two years ago.
When we talk about his desire for ME (he's not so far ahead of his time that he knows it takes two of us) to build him a baby, it is a very serious conversation. Connor knows exactly what he wants this baby to be...a boy and he would like the baby to have a green shirt.
Connor's consistency and sweet desire for a "baby" has left me with a lot to think about. Do I want another child...absolutely. Am I waiting for the "perfect" time....absolutely. Yea, yea, yea I know, there will never be a perfect time (which is what I've been told numerous times and my rational brain agrees). So, I'll be doing some thinking and praying about this and you can look for more blogs about my thought process related to this and all the emotions that go with it.
Feedback welcome :)
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
The Power of Human Connection
Given the current state of our economy, I feel fortunate to have a job. But more than that, I feel extremely fortunate to have MY JOB. I LOVE my job. In addition to having the flexibility to set my own hours, take a day off when I want it, and have a work environment that is healthy and free of chaos (most of the time); I get to work with people. People in one of the most intimate of settings....a therapy session. People who are vulnerable, scared, depressed, anxious, and every other emotion you can imagine. And the best part is they invite me into the most intimate part of their lives....their thoughts and feelings. Some people that read this blog have been to therapy and some have not. For those of you have who never ventured into the office of a therapist, I'll be honest, it can be terrifying and relieving at the same time. Terrifying because you are likely their to deal with uncomfortable feelings and situations and relieving because you likely enter the office praying someone has a magic answer. Over the years, I have gotten better at not "taking my job home" and do a good job at giving my clients 100% each visit they have and then going home to my own family. However, yesterday I had a session with a client that I have seen now three times and every time I see him my heart literally feels like it is breaking in half. So much so that I feel the need to write about this individual, confidentially of course, so that you too may learn a lesson from him. I had the opportunity yesterday when bringing a close to his session to tell him that I learn just as much from him as I hope he does from me.
Withholding his name, this individual is a sixty year old man who lost his only daughter 13 years ago when his wife and daughter were in a car wreck, which happened to be the fault of the mother. Upon losing his daughter, my client lost all ability to manage his life and grief took over. He left his family which included three sons and his wife and became homeless. For years he lived under bridges and in homeless shelters and told me he made the decision to leave because he knew the pain in his eyes was more than his family could bear to see. During these years, he was often hospitalized for suicidal intent, his God just didn't think it was his time. While living on the streets, he was diagnosed with larynx cancer and had his voice box removed. He now feeds himself through a tube and uses a device to speak that makes sounds and words out of the vibrations in his throat. You are probably reading this wondering why in the world I am choosing to share this story. This man has strength that I believe is only provided by his Lord and Savior. He shares this same thought with me.
For homework, I asked him to bring in a picture of his deceased daughter and be prepared to tell me about her. So on yesterday, he brought in this beautiful picture of his daughter, taken on her first Christmas, and with shaking hands handed it to me. As we talked about his memories of her and how her death impacted him, he was also able to see how his inability to cope had "cheated" his three sons out of having a stable father figure in their lives for years. So there sat this 60 yr old man in full blown tears, telling me how ashamed he feels and how guilty he feels for leaving his family. Through his tears and his difficulty communicating, he was able to share with me that it is now his priority, regardless of how much longer he lives, to walk step by step with his sons and model for them that people CAN change. This is why I share this story. What an inspiration to me and his children. Despite this man's major challenges in life, he has been able to make tremendous changes in his life.....he is back home with his family and states that he has never felt more loved, attends therapy twice a month (all he can afford) to learn how to cope better and talk about his losses, he takes his medications regularly that help manage his depression and keep the suicidal thoughts at bay, and he is there for his sons whenever they need him.
He is learning self-forgiveness and I feel honored that he is allowing me to be a part of his journey. It is stories like this that remind me of why I do what I do and why I love it so much. This man trust me with his inner most feelings and feels safe enough to sit in my office and weep for the man he was and the man he wants to be. I admire his strength and am thankful when I am reminded that people can change and we all have inner strength that is there, we just have to utilize it!
Withholding his name, this individual is a sixty year old man who lost his only daughter 13 years ago when his wife and daughter were in a car wreck, which happened to be the fault of the mother. Upon losing his daughter, my client lost all ability to manage his life and grief took over. He left his family which included three sons and his wife and became homeless. For years he lived under bridges and in homeless shelters and told me he made the decision to leave because he knew the pain in his eyes was more than his family could bear to see. During these years, he was often hospitalized for suicidal intent, his God just didn't think it was his time. While living on the streets, he was diagnosed with larynx cancer and had his voice box removed. He now feeds himself through a tube and uses a device to speak that makes sounds and words out of the vibrations in his throat. You are probably reading this wondering why in the world I am choosing to share this story. This man has strength that I believe is only provided by his Lord and Savior. He shares this same thought with me.
For homework, I asked him to bring in a picture of his deceased daughter and be prepared to tell me about her. So on yesterday, he brought in this beautiful picture of his daughter, taken on her first Christmas, and with shaking hands handed it to me. As we talked about his memories of her and how her death impacted him, he was also able to see how his inability to cope had "cheated" his three sons out of having a stable father figure in their lives for years. So there sat this 60 yr old man in full blown tears, telling me how ashamed he feels and how guilty he feels for leaving his family. Through his tears and his difficulty communicating, he was able to share with me that it is now his priority, regardless of how much longer he lives, to walk step by step with his sons and model for them that people CAN change. This is why I share this story. What an inspiration to me and his children. Despite this man's major challenges in life, he has been able to make tremendous changes in his life.....he is back home with his family and states that he has never felt more loved, attends therapy twice a month (all he can afford) to learn how to cope better and talk about his losses, he takes his medications regularly that help manage his depression and keep the suicidal thoughts at bay, and he is there for his sons whenever they need him.
He is learning self-forgiveness and I feel honored that he is allowing me to be a part of his journey. It is stories like this that remind me of why I do what I do and why I love it so much. This man trust me with his inner most feelings and feels safe enough to sit in my office and weep for the man he was and the man he wants to be. I admire his strength and am thankful when I am reminded that people can change and we all have inner strength that is there, we just have to utilize it!
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Unseen Moments
I am sure that every mother can relate to this and this was an experience I had last night that I just couldn't not share.
Each day with Connor brings new memories and new challenges and my love for him grows more and more each day. It's amazing. The day he was born I thought "I didn't know I was capable of loving someone so much." This loves grows beyond anything describable every day!
Connor and I spend a lot of time together and I wouldn't trade it for anything...well...maybe a weekend at the spa :) ! Last night Connor and I had a moment that made my heart feel so warm and those that love me and Connor should be able to share in this little moment....this is why I blog.
Yesterday was a rough day...emotionally. So by 8pm I was ready for Connor to go to bed and I was going with him. This tends to be more our routine these days. So we laid down in his comfy big boy bed and did our usual hugs and kisses and I turned over to rest so he'd go to sleep. About five minutes later, he says "mommy look at me," so of course I obliged. He snuggled up right to my face and noticed that I had a tear coming down my cheek (like I said, yesterday was a hard day). My little sidekick wiped my tear and said "mommy don't be sad, we'll hold hands." So he grabbed my hand, held it tight and proceeded to drift off to dreamland. Luckily he fell asleep quickly because of course after that interaction the tears flowed like Niagara Falls. What a precious, precious child that God has made and the best part is that God is allowing me and Hagie to raise him! I hope I never forget what it felt like to hold his little hand and drift off to sleep.
Each day with Connor brings new memories and new challenges and my love for him grows more and more each day. It's amazing. The day he was born I thought "I didn't know I was capable of loving someone so much." This loves grows beyond anything describable every day!
Connor and I spend a lot of time together and I wouldn't trade it for anything...well...maybe a weekend at the spa :) ! Last night Connor and I had a moment that made my heart feel so warm and those that love me and Connor should be able to share in this little moment....this is why I blog.
Yesterday was a rough day...emotionally. So by 8pm I was ready for Connor to go to bed and I was going with him. This tends to be more our routine these days. So we laid down in his comfy big boy bed and did our usual hugs and kisses and I turned over to rest so he'd go to sleep. About five minutes later, he says "mommy look at me," so of course I obliged. He snuggled up right to my face and noticed that I had a tear coming down my cheek (like I said, yesterday was a hard day). My little sidekick wiped my tear and said "mommy don't be sad, we'll hold hands." So he grabbed my hand, held it tight and proceeded to drift off to dreamland. Luckily he fell asleep quickly because of course after that interaction the tears flowed like Niagara Falls. What a precious, precious child that God has made and the best part is that God is allowing me and Hagie to raise him! I hope I never forget what it felt like to hold his little hand and drift off to sleep.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Surprise!
So, I have to say....I was able to pull off a surprise party for Hagie's 40th birthday! This surprises me as much as it does the people that know me. I am definitely not the most organized person in the world; I tend to wait to the last minute to do,well, most things, and working full time and being a mommy hasn't exactly left me with much spare time.
Hagie is an amazing person! He hasn't had many "real" birthday parties in his 40 years so I was glad to show him just how much I love him as well as how much he is loved by so many others. I tell ya....I have NEVER meant anyone, friends, business associates, old classmates, family etc that don't just adore Jahaziel Elijah Cook (aka Hagie)!
It was nice to see Hagie be the center of attention and soak up all the warm fuzzies he could for one night. We enjoyed catered barbecue, awesome company, great music from our fave DJ James, kegs o beer, great cocktails and best of all....a Superman cake (this was probably Hagie's favorite part).
I don't always do the best at showing Hagie just how much he is loved and appreciated EVERY day so this party was my way of saying "hey babes, you are loved beyond measure and treasured for the person you are."
Cheers to Hagie....my now "over the hill" hubby who always puts me and Connor first!
Hagie is an amazing person! He hasn't had many "real" birthday parties in his 40 years so I was glad to show him just how much I love him as well as how much he is loved by so many others. I tell ya....I have NEVER meant anyone, friends, business associates, old classmates, family etc that don't just adore Jahaziel Elijah Cook (aka Hagie)!
It was nice to see Hagie be the center of attention and soak up all the warm fuzzies he could for one night. We enjoyed catered barbecue, awesome company, great music from our fave DJ James, kegs o beer, great cocktails and best of all....a Superman cake (this was probably Hagie's favorite part).
I don't always do the best at showing Hagie just how much he is loved and appreciated EVERY day so this party was my way of saying "hey babes, you are loved beyond measure and treasured for the person you are."
Cheers to Hagie....my now "over the hill" hubby who always puts me and Connor first!
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