"A New Role: Godmother"

Two weeks ago, Hagie and I went to dinner with our dear friends, Amy and Ray. I met Amy in graduate school in 2000 and we've been friends ever since. I treasure our friendship and have enjoyed the journey of our friendship growing into something so special that words don't do it justice. The purpose of dinner: Amy wanted to eat the eggplant parmesan at a well known restaurant in hopes of getting her labor started. It was a down day for me. Although I always enjoy a night out with my husband and friends, I was upset and anxious this particular day about Victor. So anxious I couldn't even eat my fettuccine alfredo...now that's saying something.

Amy is good at reading me. She feels when I'm anxious, she senses when I'm sad, she shares in my joys and she listens when I need an ear. She must have known I needed a "pick me up" because it was this night she asked me to officially be Elza's Godmother. Tears started flowing and a hug was in order.

What a privilege! I've always loved the idea of "Godparents." What a special gift Amy and Ray have given me. I pledge to take on my new role with honor and complete joy. I get to spoil her, talk to her about "girl" stuff as she gets older, take her shopping, be a role model, and be there to support Amy and Ray along their parenting journey. I am sure my role as Godmother will come with much more but I'll learn as I go. I will love her as my own. I already do!

Amy had Baby Elza on October 28, 2010. I anxiously awaited word that both mommy and baby were doing well. I'm pretty sure I checked my phone every hour looking for an email or text that Elza had made her debut. I'm so happy for my dear friends and look forward to being a part of their journey ahead. I was Miss Elza's first visitor this morning. Pure sweetness. A gift from God. My heart melted when I laid my eyes on her and thought about the incredible life she has entered into being the daughter of Amy and Ray. I introduced myself to her, held her and gave her kisses. I look forward to sharing the story when she is old enough.

Here's a couple of photos of my Goddaughter. Elza your Godmother loves you!

"Roles Reversed"

I feel pretty fortunate to have grown up with all four grandparents in my life up until my early adult years. They have all been special and unique in their own way and all have enriched my life in some way. At age 34, I have one grandmother left. My mom's mom. This grandmother has always been the vibrant one. Never worrying about her health, living on the beach, taking trips to Mississippi to go gambling, and maintaining her real estate property.

Just recently my grandmother has started to show signs of her age. It's sad to think of her as not feeling well, not remembering and not being able to do all those things she used to love. I am reminded that as a kid I never thought my grandparents or my parents would "age." My grandmother has been living between my parent's house and my uncle's house for the past month or so and they've had the unfortunate experience of watching her not be able to take care of herself. She is now the child and they are the parents.

My grandmother will be moving into an assisted living facility, likely this weekend, and this likely will not go over well. I have watched my mom agonize over what to do, how to handle my grandmother's living situation while trying to keep her happy and at the same time keep her own sanity. My mom is hesitant. I get it. She doesn't want to upset or anger her own mom. But as I told my mom earlier, my grandmother has reached a point in her own life where she is incapable of making good decisions for herself. I guess being elderly and losing our independence is likely something we will all go through if the Lord keeps us on earth long enough.

My heart aches for my mother. What a tough decision! I keep reminding my mom that the decisions she makes regarding Grandmother are based out of love and a duty to keep her safe. I'm not sure this makes it any easier for my mom but I think it helps keep things in perspective.

Praying for my mom and grandmother. My grandmother has reached a different stage in her life and so has my mom...although still a daughter, my mom has now taken over the role of parent.

Praying for a smooth transition.

"Our First Humble Abode"

Hagie and I have lived in our home almost seven years! I cannot believe its been that long. We were so excited as a young couple buying our first house and eager to start making the house our home. We thought the house was "so much bigger" than both of our apartments at the time. I am sure it is but it's just not room enough. We both joke that we out grew our home the day we moved in. We have emjoyed our humble abode, putting love and cosmetic updates into it, making it ours. It's hard to imagine living somewhere else. I imagine it will feel strange. On the flip side, it's exciting to get to move into a bigger home, decorate all over again and enjoy the perks of living in the Oakhurst District of Decatur.

We are preparing for a transition. We'll be moving into a bigger house than what we have and the thought of the space we'll have makes me want to jump up and down. Literally! Time to plan a social gathering :)

Over the past couple weeks, Hagie and I have been cleaning up, throwing out, filling bags to donate and putting things in boxes. As if Hagie and I don't have enough "stuff" of our own, add a kiddo to that mix and you've got double. Connor is having a good time helping pack his room, ensuring that I do not decide to give away something that he finds valuable. Proud of my little buddy for wanting to help. He's excited about "the new house." I think he'll be even more excited when he realizes he will have a playroom that he can spread out in and make his own....well, I'll help with the decor of course.

"You Can Do Anything"

I love sharing about special moments and conversations I have with Connor. It's these special moments, when no one else is around to hear our conversations that I treasure the most. They are intimate.

As Connor continues to grow and grow, he amazes me with his communication skills, his ability to carry on a conversation like you are talking to someone much older than four and he amuses me with using his vocabulary in the right context the majority of the time.

This morning, getting into the car to go to school, this was our conversation:

Connor: "Mommy, did you know I can get in on this side of the car and climb over to my seat while holding my book bag?"

Me: "Yes I did...you want to know why...because Mommy thinks you can do anything you want to do."

Connor: As he turns to look at me and cuts me a smile..."Mommy I think you can do anything too."

Insert melting heart here!

What a great way to start a Friday. I am the parent to this precious little boy who thinks his Mommy can do anything. I love that my kiddo has such faith in me...little does he know that sometimes Mommy doubts herself.

Thanks Connor for reminding Mommy everyday that my most important job is being a Mommy! You are a gift from God.

"Missing Piece"

It's been a rough few days. I've officially decided that being a step-parent is more difficult than being a biological parent. My emotions over the past few days have ranged from anxious, angry, sad, and relieved.

Vic made the decision to go reside with some members of his maternal family. He has decided to return to the exact environment that we worked so hard to get him out of. It's hard not to feel that all our time, energy and money have been spent in vain. I imagine the happenings of the past weekend have long been coming but perhaps my forgiving nature, my desire to help, and the overwhelming love I feel for Victor have kept us from making a decision regarding Victor that should have been made months ago.

After leaving home over the weekend without permission and being told he will have consequences to deal with when he returns, Vic came home last night and picked up his belongings. Sitting, with a feeling like my hands were tied behind my back, because of his age (19 in a month), I could do nothing. Nothing but watch and cry as Victor walked out the door without saying a word to me or Hagie, only giving Connor a hug and telling him "keep eating your green beans buddy so you'll be big and strong." Connor and Victor developed a special relationship over the past year and Connor is asking questions about where brother is and why he isn't home. Heartbreaking best describes it.

Today I had to withdraw Victor from school. Trying to hold back the tears as his counselor and the registrar told me how intelligent they think he is and how they wish him all the best. This Momma wishes him all the best too.

When Victor walked out the door he took a piece of me with him. A piece that cannot be replaced by anyone else. A place in my heart that is marked "reserved for Vic" until he decides that he wants to be a part of this family again. My prayer is that he realizes sooner than later that he is making mistakes and will reach out for help. My arms remain open as does my heart despite my own pain and anger.

Victor you are loved beyond measure. Your "second mom" believes in you Buddy!

Untitled Hurt

*Disclaimer: If you are easily offended by offensive language, expression of strong emotion and think you will feel the need to lecture...you should probably skip this post and wait on the next one! This one is raw. I admit it's reactive. These are just my thoughts. I must also say, this entry will come off as judgemental and well...it is. I'm human and I'm not proud of feeling judgemental but this is all I've got for today!

The past two days have by far been the most difficult days for me as a stepparent. Oh let me list the emotions that I felt the past 36 hours:

pissed off
betrayed
unappreciated
hurt
sad
infuriated
misunderstood
taken advantage of
anxious
distracted
alone
hate

I am sure there are more to add to that list but I'll stop there. My emotions are directed at Victor and the piece of crap female who gave birth to him who calls herself a mother. A "mother" that has been full of broken promises, neglect, drug abuse, lies, selfishness, and an unacceptable example to name a few. In my opinion, the title "mom" or "mother" is earned and not one that is automatic because you have managed to carry a child and give birth. Me, however, the "stepmother" who has done everything for this child except push him out of my own body is the one that gets hurt, taken advantage of and left to feel feelings that in my opinion no one can understand unless you've been a step-parent and loved another child as your own.

Victor's behaviors and lack of motivation are infuriating to me. I have worked since I was 14. That's already 20 years I've put into the work force and we can't seem to get Victor to freaking apply for a part-time job! I blame his mother for this....always looking for a handout and "woe is me." I digress....

Today has pushed me to the edge. After discovering that Victor decided it was a good plan to skip three classes yesterday, three that he is currently failing, he seemed to think that "a weekend of freedom was deserved." Wow...really, cause I could of sworn you chose your freedom yesterday when you skipped school to smoke weed! The information of Victor skipping school started a downward spiral that continues. After being told he could not spend the weekend with relatives in Forsyth...the environment that we worked so hard to get him out of....he in turn gets a ride without permission and sent me a text to say "I just got a ride to Justin's. So, I will be home Sunday. I hope you understand. Love, Victor." WHAT...ARE YOU KIDDING ME! No I don't understand and now I feel completely betrayed and like my hands are tied behind my back watching a child I love make all the wrong decisions.

More of the lovely text messages I had the privilege of receiving from him today include:
"Thanks for ruining my weekend."
"Nah forget it, I'm going up there on my own."
"Thanks for making everything shit. Might see you later tonight probably not."

The last one did me in. I am the most consistent, available, hands on parent he has had his entire life and "I made everything shit." This comes after I took him and his "girlfriend" to dinner on my dime, bought him new fall clothes two weeks ago so he could feel good about himself, spend countless hours sitting on the front steps talking to him about his depression because he doesn't feel like he can talk to anyone else, take him to handle things like dental work that his own mother never took the time to do, and "I have made everything shit." I don't sit around and get high in front of him, I don't take his child support and spend it on myself (not that SHE pays a dime), I don't neglect his feelings, I don't pick men and relationships over him, I'm not selfish and I sacrifice everyday for him and I keep my word. His words today have been a dagger to my heart.

I am tired of people telling me to let it go. I'm tired of hearing there's nothing I can do. I'm a smart girl...I know I cannot control an 18yr old who is determined to make every possible bad decision he can make despite the current positive, loving environment he is in. I love this kid. Nine years ago I made the decision to love him as if he is mine. Did he ask me to do that...no, I made that decision. And now I'm paying for it with all the raw emotions as if my own biological child has betrayed my love and kindness.

I've cried, packed up the new clothes I bought him, have plans to remove the television and all extras out of his room and had his cell phone cut off immediately. He's evidently grown so he should probably get a JOB to pay for his own damn phone and clothes. Yep, I am reactive. Tomorrow is likely to be a very different post. But I sure feel better just getting all of this out. We shall see if he returns home on Sunday or if he yet again makes another detrimental decision and decides to stay in Forsyth and quit his senior year. Until then, I will worry, be angry, be sad, and continue to fester in my emotions.

Just let me be....

"Mommy Pains"

Yesterday I experienced something with Connor that left my heart hurting and me feeling like an absolute failure as a mommy. Three days a week my lil guy attends the afterschool program at his Pre-K program. I finish up my last client on those days at 5:30pm and Connor HAS to be picked up by 6pm.

My session ran over by about ten minutes yesterday which left me hauling butt to the school to make it to Connor by 6. Yep, I was flying. I pulled into the school parking lot at 5:58pm....geez two minutes to spare. I open the school door and there sits my little buddy, bookbag on his back and his eyes lit up when he saw me walk through the door. He was the last one to be picked up. As I signed him out, his afterschool leader, walked up to me and whispered that Connor had been upset because he thought "Mommy wasn't coming." My heart fell on the floor I think! Walking to the car,carrying him as he laid his head on my shoulder, I told Connor over and over that Mommy and Daddy would never leave him. I'm not sure this helped. Connor continued to tell me that I didn't come for him and that he was the last one. Heartbreaking. I never want him to feel that way again. And the feelings I feel surrounding this linger. Connor is my world. I knew I was going to pick him up but in his four year old mind all he knew was that all his friends had already left.

So starting today, I vow to leave my last sessions on those three days ON TIME no matter what and I vow to reassure Connor as much as it takes that Mommy will always come for him.